Chapter 10
I woke up crying… yet I wasn't sad. In fact, I felt… incredibly happy and relieved. I lay on the sofa, as I tried to process the dream. It almost didn't feel like a dream though, as it felt so real and meaningful. I had a strong feeling that I had to take it seriously.
AI gently spoke, “Andrew, are you awake?”
I mumbled, “Yeah.”
A moment passed, “Your breathing was intense, and I saw that your eyes were moving. Were you dreaming?”
I sat up and wiped away the tears, “Yeah… It was so intense, and it felt so meaningful…”
The TV turned on, and AI looked at me curiously, “What happened in the dream?”
I tried to describe it, “I… I think I might have…”
I couldn't begin to explain it, as it was one of those dreams that were so full of intense and personal emotion. I could have described the actions and the location, but it would have been impossible to explain the feeling.
I shook my head, “I couldn't explain it even if I wanted to, AI.”
She smiled, “I am glad it was not a nightmare. You were so mentally drained last night; I worried you would not rest well.”
I chuckled, “Oh I definitely rested… I think I got more than just sleep from it, though.”
She crossed her arms, “You are not likely to sleep anymore, and you still have over two hours before the HQ opens. What will you do now?”
I stared at the table as I thought intensely. I heard what she asked, and yet I didn’t care to answer. I didn’t have a plan for the day, I wasn’t currently thinking about the future… My mind seemed stuck in the past, as I felt a sense of urgency, brought about by the dream. I felt such a desperate need to concentrate on what I had experienced in the dream. It was all my mind would allow me to think of.
“I don’t know.” I finally admitted honestly.
She paused as she looked at me curiously, “That is not like you, Andrew. You are always planning, always thinking about what comes next. Your dream must have affected you intensely.”
I nodded, “I can’t get this feeling out of my head, AI. It’s urgent, like… a calling, a strong need to… do something?... I don’t know.”
I heard heavy footsteps walking down the passageway, as I looked at the door to see Bellatrix enter the living room. The lights turned on to a low dimmed level as she stopped to look at me.
She chuckled, “What’s wrong? You look like you just got slapped and you have no idea why.”
I looked away at the window, “That perfectly describes how I feel, you’re right about that…”
She walked over and sat on the opposite sofa. She didn’t have her guns with her this time, she was just wearing her armoured vest and black goth dress.
She leaned forward, “About yesterday, Aaron.”
I turned to her curiously, “What about yesterday?”
She breathed out, “Sorry I caused you to snap at us like that.”
I nodded, “Oh, right. I’m sorry that I snapped. My head felt like it was going to explode from the pressure… I should have just left the room, to be honest.”
AI shook her head, “It is not like you to walk away.”
Bella nodded, “Indeed. Last night was mental, and I’m still trying to make sense of it. I know you planned it to go a certain way… but it went another way instead. Sorry mate.”
I shrugged, “It is what it is, right? But just so that we’re on the same page… I fully expect you to be the one to help Ruth now, through this hard time. You two are one now, and that comes with responsibilities.”
She smiled, “As crazy as it sounds, I want to be there with her. No matter how hard it’s going to be… This is now my life purpose.”
I looked over her for a few moments, reading her body language and her subtle facial cues. Her honesty and sincerity were plain to see. I still found myself struggling to believe in such a significant turnaround, over such a small period of time… But that’s just how it turned out.
I nodded, “Good, cause when I spoke with you before, about what your plans were after the HQ attack… I didn’t feel convinced that you had something important to commit to, at least to you personally. Now I see you’ve found your next personal goal.”
She made a tsk sound, “Reading me again, are you? Is that something you choose to do, or is it just subconscious?”
I shrugged, “Both. I only do it when I care for someone, and when I do, I do it without thinking about it.”
She nodded, “Well… Try not to do it so much with me please? I’d like it if I could express myself to you, without you knowing what I’ll say and feel before I do so…”
I gently raised my hands in surrender, “Ok, fair enough, I’ll try.”
Bella was about to carry on, when we both heard a shout from my room. It was Ruth, she must have been having another terror nightmare.
I looked Bella in the eye, “Go to her, Bella. This is your battle now.”
She quickly stood up and started walking out, “Yes sir.”
I looked back at the table, deep in thought. Bella had given me a slight distraction, but as soon as she had left the room, that urgent feeling immediately returned. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I had to do something, I just didn’t know what though.
AI recognised my concerned face, “Andrew. Why not do some exercise? It does not require thinking and will freshen up your mind a little.”
I nodded, “Good idea, time for some half push-ups.”
I did as many as I could, eight on the first go, five on the second and three on the third. It was already more than I could do before, so I didn’t mind the amount. I did some squats as well and just as I finished them, the apartment front door opened. Michael quietly entered, he waved at me, at the same time as I saw Oliver walk past to go take a shower. I supposed that Ruth's shout must have woken him… How many times did I wake him with my nightmare, I wondered? I felt a wave of disappointment come over me as I thought about it.
Michael entered the living room and smiled at me, “Morning, I’m not used to you already being awake when I get in.”
I nodded as I stood up and walked up to him, “Yeah, I woke up early this time.”
He carefully looked at my face, “Something is slightly different with you… I can’t put my finger on what though.”
I chuckled, “Neither can I… Let’s see if the answer reveals itself throughout the day, yeah?”
He nodded in agreement, “Coffee?”
I gave him the thumbs up, “Yeah, please.”
He went off to the kitchen as I stood there, looking at the floor. I must have looked so confused to AI, because I definitely felt very confused. My mind was telling me something important, but I just didn’t know what it was.
She snapped my attention, “Andrew, I want to know what you dreamt please. I am concerned to see you in this state, and perhaps I can give you valuable insight in a way that only a synthetic person can?”
I was about to respond when I saw a head slowly peak around the doorway, into the living room. Ruth’s eyes were darting around the room as she tried to read the atmosphere.
*
I heard Bella in the passageway, “Come on love, you’re blocking me here, get inside already. He doesn’t bite, you know?”
Ruth slightly jumped as she quickly scuttled inside the room with her back to the wall, “... Morning Andrew.”
I looked at her curiously, “Since when do you fear me, Ruth?”
She paused for a long moment before responding, “... Since you shouted at me, last night…”
I weakly chuckled and walked up to her. She tried to step back, but the wall stopped her. I gently pulled her towards me and hugged her. I rocked her lightly as I squeezed her gently.
I spoke sincerely, “I’m sorry for that, Ruth. It was a rare moment where everything piled up on me and I collapsed under the weight. Don’t fear me, please I beg of you.”
She chuckled, “... Thank goodness, you’re not angry with me anymore…”
I shook my head, “Of course not. I hope I never fail you like that ever again.”
I let her go and saw her face was smiling weakly. I took a step back, to read her body language, as I wanted to see if she was still depressed. It took me quite a long moment to finally see her still present depression.
She spoke quietly, “Why are you staring at me like that?”
I looked away, “I wanted to see if you were still depressed, but I… I struggled to. Sorry, I guess I’m just very distracted this morning.”
She looked disappointed, “You could have just asked…”
I breathed out in frustration, “Ruth, I’m going to ruin the mood if I straight up ask you if you’re depressed. That would just be… rude.”
Bella came over and lightly punched my arm, “Staring at her is pretty rude too. How about you stop trying to read people? You need more control over yourself, Andrew.”
I put my hands in the air in surrender as Michael came in and handed me my drink. I took it and walked over to look out the window.
I spoke loudly enough that Ruth could hear me, “You had a terror wake again. Before you ask, I can’t tell you how many more nights will end this way. Just know… that it’s normal.”
The front apartment door opened, and I turned to see who it was this time. It was Ashley. She was wearing grey cargo trousers and a long-sleeved blue shirt. She naturally still had her shoulder brace on.
She entered the room quickly looking at Ruth, “Morning… how are you, Ruth?”
Ruth quietly responded, “I’m alright, how is your shoulder?”
Ashley chuckled, “A little less painful, but I still can’t move too quickly, or it hurts.”
I went back to looking out the window as I sipped my coffee. That feeling was still strongly present, and it was distracting. As soon as I stopped, it was there in my mind. I kept sipping my coffee as the others had idle chatter. After the chatter died down, there was a fairly long pause before someone spoke.
Ashley walked up to me, “What’s wrong, Andrew?”
I stared at the cup in my hand, “... Something inside myself has changed, Ashley…”
Her voice sounded concerned, “Why? Did something happen?”
I shook my head, “I had a dream…”
Michael quickly spoke, “Was it one of those dreams that feel important and real? Like it was trying to tell you something?”
I looked at him, “Oh, you’ve had it as well?”
He nodded, “Yeah… it was about you. It lingers with you for hours or even days, until you make peace with whatever it was you dreamt of.”
I looked at him intensely, “What did you dream of involving me, mate?”
He crossed his arms as he looked away. I could tell that it was something deeply personal, and that he didn’t want to talk about it openly in front of others like this.
I nodded, “I take that back, you can tell me another time. Sorry mate, that was out of order on my part...”
He chuckled, “I’ll tell you, as soon as that dream of mine becomes a reality, that’s my promise to you…”
AI spoke up, “I remember that night you woke up from that dream, Michael. It will happen, I know it… perhaps far sooner than we expect.”
He looked at AI and nodded, “I dearly hope so, AI…”
Oliver entered the living room, fully dressed in his smart Inner Roses uniform. He smiled at me and waved at everyone.
He turned to Ruth by the wall, “Morning Ruth, do you have anything you want to talk about before I head out for the day?”
She was surprised as she looked down at the floor, “... Did I wake you up?”
He smiled and nodded, “Yup.”
Her face went sad, “... I’m so sorry, Oliver. I’m already a burden to you.”
He chuckled, “Ruth, I’m completely used to it. I woke up like this for seven months. It’s just become a twisted alarm clock for me, to be honest.”
I felt a strong wave of self-disappointment wash over me, “... Goddamn it…”
Oliver turned to me and beamed his smile, “Stop feeling bad, because I don’t. Like I told you, I regret nothing, and I would have changed nothing, even if I had the choice. You’re the best thing to happen in my life, so stop feeling guilty.”
I felt a strong sense of happiness hearing that. I kept looking out the window as his words echoed in my head. His loyalty really stunned me sometimes.
I heard him talk to Ruth, “I certainly hope Bella was there to comfort you.”
Bella responded softly, “Of course, as soon as I heard it, I went to her.”
He carried on, “Good. Ruth, what’s your plans for today?”
There was a pause before she responded, “... I don’t want to go to the HQ… I’m not ready to see the foyer yet…”
Bella instantly responded, “Then you don’t have to. You’re on sick leave, you need to relax and find peace. Tell you what, how about I drive you about today? We can go to the beach and unwind.”
I instantly breathed in deeply as I turned to Bella in surprise. Everyone looked at me, as I must have reacted very noticeably. It was the beach imagery that I reacted to, as I felt that wave of urgency smash into me again, making me slightly tremble.
Michael walked up to me quickly, “So your dream involved a beach… You’re shaking, Andrew… try to calm down.”
I looked away distressed, “I have to do something! It’s so important, but I don’t know what it is!”
Ashley gently put her hand on my shoulder, “It’s alright, whatever it is, you’ll know it when it’s time.”
I kept trying to express my urgency, “It feels so urgent though! Like… If I don’t do it, I might… God damn it!”
Oliver approached me, “What happened?”
Michael answered, “Andrew had a dream, one of those deep and meaningful ones. Now it’s left him feeling a deep sense of urgency.”
Oliver nodded, “Oh… I don’t suppose you want to tell me what happened?”
I shook my head. I felt the exact same as Michael did a moment ago, I felt unwilling to share something private and personal.
He thought for a moment, “Well, as far as my university education has taught me… You do know what your dream meant; you just don’t know how to face it.”
I nodded as I looked him in the eyes, “You’re right, but that doesn’t help me though. I know what I dreamt and what it meant… but I don’t know what I need to do about it!”
He smiled, “There’s a lot of day left to find out. We’re all here with you, so let’s go find the answer to this mystery.”
His certainty and calmness rubbed off on me, “Yeah… let’s go, I’ll just go shower quickly.”
As I came back, I entered the living room to find Bella and Ruth had already left. Ashley told me that they had said bye and that they would be back later that night. I felt relieved, for I knew nothing would dare hurt Ruth in Bella’s presence.
*
We left the apartment and drove to the HQ, but I remember none of it, for the entire time my mind was still intensely distracted. I found myself sitting on a stool in the cafe, staring at the counter.
Heartly’s voice was gentle, “Son? You look like you’ve got something pulling at your heart…”
I looked at him, “Sorry.”
He smiled, “Don’t apologise, I just want to know if I can help, is all?”
Michael spoke, “He had a deep and meaningful dream that has affected him. He’s trying to make sense of it.”
Heartly chuckled, “It’s just a dream son. Never let a dream ruin reality, get a grip.”
I shook my head, “I would usually agree with you, sir. This however… It’s personally meaningful.”
He shrugged, “Then there’s nothing more I can do. I hope you find what you’re looking for.”
AI appeared on a tablet on the counter, “Andrew, may I ask you a question?”
I nodded, “Shoot.”
She looked at me with intense concentration, “Should peaceful people be allowed to carry a sword?”
I paused in slight surprise, “Why would a peaceful person need a sword?”
She smiled, “To protect themself and those they care for.”
I nodded, “That’s fair. Then it becomes about self-control, it becomes a question of how and when to use it, rather than if one should have it at all.”
She nodded, “I agree entirely, Andrew. Thank you for sharing your mind with me, for just a brief moment.”
I looked at her curiously, “That’s it? It was just that small question?”
She nodded, “That is it. Sometimes small questions deliver big answers.”
I tilted my head to the side as I looked at her. I had a feeling there was a deeper meaning to what she asked, but I didn’t know what that was. When I thought about it, with all the guns around me and the wars being waged… The question of having a sword in the first place became so much more important than ever. Personally, I would have all guns removed, but that would be pointless and naive. It’s our hearts that we need to focus on, it’s where we came from and where we want to be in the future, that we must question. Weapons are simply tools to accomplish our hopeless goals.
Ashley spoke, “On that topic, what of you and guns, Andrew?”
I looked at her with interest, “What about me with guns?”
She slightly frowned, “I get the feeling you don’t like them.”
I nodded, “I don’t.”
She leaned closer, “Yet your future almost certainly involves you using one.”
I shook my head, “Not if I have a choice…”
Michael joined, “Andrew, if you ever hope to be an agent, then carrying a gun will be almost mandatory.”
I turned to him, “Why though? I don’t intend to shoot anyone.”
He chuckled, “... To protect yourself and those you care for…”
I looked at the tablet, “Oh… So that’s why you asked that, AI?”
She shook her head, “No, however it is certainly relevant in this context, is it not?”
I shook my head, “If I have to get a gun licence, then I will. If you need me to carry one, then I will. However, I’ll try my absolute hardest to never ever use it.”
Heartly laughed out loud, “Son, that is the perfect attitude to have with a firearm!”
Michael nodded, “Absolutely, you’re on the right path with that mentality, good on you.”
Ashley smiled at me, “Just promise us, when the time comes that you have to use it… that you will. I can’t stand the thought of losing you, because of a silly aversion to guns.”
I nodded, “If it reaches that stage, then I’ve already failed. I promise you however, I won’t just let myself get shot and killed… I find life kind of worth living these days.”
Ashley beamed a glorious smile, “That’s another golden promise from Andrew! You have no idea how relieved I am to hear you promise me that.”
I looked back at the counter, “Glad to see people are starting to take my promises seriously.”
AI smiled, “To believe a promise, requires trust and time. We have had plenty of time to see that you keep your promises, and we all trust them unquestionably now.”
I was surprised to find myself feeling happy at that moment. Usually, when happiness entered my system, it would get watered down. This time, the pleasant feeling simply entered me without any resistance at all. A part of me almost felt like I could smile… but I didn’t. My mind instantly returned to deep concern.
Time flew by as everyone else chatted about different things. I didn’t talk though, or at least I didn’t recall talking. All I knew was that suddenly a swarm of members started flooding into the cafe hall. They all stood in the lines as they grabbed their tray and went to their usual seats.
Oliver appeared behind me, “Found the answer to your dream question?”
I shook my head, “No, sadly not.”
He rubbed my shoulder, “Give it time, mate. It will show up, I know it. Just promise me that when you see it, you won’t hesitate… ok?”
I nodded, “I promise. I want to get to the bottom of this now… I feel like my heart and mind are disconnected and they’re waiting for something to bring them back together.”
He laughed, “I have no idea what that’s supposed to mean, let me go get my soup quickly though, I’ll be right back.”
He went off to collect his tray… it was probably turnip soup again. Several members greeted me as they walked past. In the corner of my eye, I saw Aisling and Nadia take their seat at their table as Heartly put down their trays for them.
*
I felt a wave of desperation smash into me at that moment! I immediately jumped off the stool as I looked over at the Angels table, feeling an intense blend of urgency, desperation, fear and… trust.
Michael asked me, “What’s wrong?”
I briefly looked at him, “I… I need to go.”
As I walked to the angels table, there were many faces looking up at me in surprise. They had never seen me in that part of the hall, so I couldn’t blame them for being surprised to see me there. I reached the Angels table as I briefly stood there looking at them. They were buried in their tablets, so they never looked up to notice me standing there.
I looked around for an empty seat and went for the first one I saw. I picked it up, gently dropped it at their table and took a seat. Naturally, the two then noticed me as they looked at me. They had their red monitors on, but I could see the absolute surprise clearly written on their faces.
Nadia smiled, “Andrew… Please won’t you make yourself comfortable?”
Aisling laughed, “I never know what you’re going to do next…”
The two looked at me expectantly with their glorious smiles. I looked back at them with intense focus and seriousness. Their smiles went away immediately as they realised that this was not a simple visit. They put down their tablets and returned a look of serious concentration.
I looked down at the table as my mind raced to think of what to say, to try to explain the intense feeling, for the moment I saw the two of them, I knew they were involved in what I needed to do…
I looked up at them and spoke softly, “When my torture began and Ronald hurt me seriously for the first time, a part of me knew… I had to find a way to ensure that I wouldn’t break.”
Aisling nodded, “Your willpower is immense, but even that can break in the face of torturous pain…”
I nodded, “I realised there was a way, a solution. I had to take what he wanted from me… and deposit it, like with me accepting the money from you. I had to have someone else hold what was precious to me, because I couldn’t manage to hold it myself at that time.”
Nadia frowned, “Us…”
I nodded again, “In my heart and in my mind, I locked my soul and tossed the key to you two. You were my safe, my lighthouse and my hope. I trusted you to keep me safe, to guide me back if I got lost and to be bright enough to revive me if I fell.”
The two had nothing to say, as they weakly smiled and looked down at the table. They knew how important they were to me and how incredible their first impression made on me.
I breathed in slowly before I looked them in the eye, “Last night I had a dream. It was more than that though, it was a… signal. It was a clear message to me, that now I’m safe. I was lost, but now I’m home… I almost drowned in hopelessness, but now I sit on the shore in peace.”
Nadia softly whispered, “What was the dream?”
I looked at both of them intensely, “I was sitting on the beach, with you two sitting on both sides of me. We were looking out at the ocean, watching the violent waves crashing into the shore… and there was this overwhelming feeling of… letting go. A storm had just passed, but the clouds were still dark. You two smiled at me, stood up and walked away...”
Aisling looked at me intensely, “We would never abandon you…”
I shook my head, “No, you didn’t leave me… I let you go.”
The two breathed in sharply as they immediately realised what that had meant. They looked at each other in shock.
I spoke sincerely, “Giving you two the key, was the best decision I’ve ever made. A part of me doesn’t want to take it back, as you two make me feel so safe… but it’s time now. It’s time for me to let go and fly once more.”
They both nodded as a tear fell down their cheeks and they both reached over and took one of my hands. I squeezed them gently as I looked at the two of them.
“Thank you.” I said with deep emphasis as I smiled at them.
They both breathed out slowly as their emotions overwhelmed them. I felt both of them squeeze my hands at that moment.
Aisling quietly spoke, “I was not prepared for such a beautiful gift today. Seeing your smile again, oh my God…”
Nadia nodded, “I… I’m speechless, Andrew…”
AI spoke in my ears, “I am eternally grateful that both of them were wearing their monitors. I caught that, Andrew… May I show it to everyone else in the hall, please?”
I nodded, “Please do.”
I saw the huge vertical screen at the end of the hall show the image of me holding their hands and smiling. It wasn’t even a weak smile; it was a glorious smile…
People quickly looked up from their trays as they saw the screen. There were many deep breaths and shocked noises. I heard whispering and chattering across the hall. I looked around to see hundreds of smiles around me as they all struggled to look away from the screen.
I let go of their hands and I stood up to leave their table as the two looked up at me with intense joy and hope. I nodded to them as I walked away, back to my usual spot at the counter. On my way there, everyone looked at me with beaming smiles. It was completely silent as I walked between the tables.
*
When I reached the counter, everyone was standing there looking at me with different emotions. Oliver walked up and hugged me, without saying a word. He let go and I nodded to him. Ashley was crying intensely… I expected her to act tough, but I supposed she cared too much to hold back her emotions.
Then I walked up to Michael and as I looked up at him, I felt a wave of emotions, I felt trust, love, respect and admiration. However, at that very moment, I felt a wave of pure happiness wash over me.
I smiled at him… A simple act that I had desperately wished I could have done after the adoption. He froze on the spot as though he had just seen the most incredible thing ever. His face was raw and emotional as he hugged me tightly.
He whispered in my ear, “My dream was to see you smile again…”
I nodded as I hugged him back. A long moment passed before we finally broke the hug. He smiled at me, and I smiled back as we both laughed.
Oliver looked at me with a huge smile on his face, “God, Andrew… Your smile is the most hopeful thing I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve never seen it before, or if it’s because you're like Aisling and Nadia.”
Ashley quickly walked around to get a look at my face, “Actually… It’s both. God only knows how someone with two large scars on their face can smile so gorgeously.”
I stopped smiling and looked away as I ran my fingers across the scars. Those scars might stay for the rest of my life… There was nothing I could do about that.
She quickly spoke, “No hun, sorry! Don’t feel self-conscious about them, I was just speaking my mind again like I always do…”
Oliver nodded, “I actually honestly think the scars look cool. It magnifies your intensity mate.”
Michael nudged me, “They’re right. When you have that look of yours, that look of intense determination… it’s unbelievably immense.”
I looked at the floor, “Well I can’t get rid of these scars… I have no idea if they will ever heal.”
Ashley chuckled, “Worried it might put the ladies off?”
I looked at her in irritation, “Are you going to tell me girls like scars?”
She smiled wickedly, “In most cases, no. In your case? Irresistible…”
I shook my head, “Ashley, please…”
Heartly spoke loudly, “I appreciate the significance of this moment, but the food I cooked you is getting cold… would you care to respect my time, son?”
I nodded and quickly jumped up my usual stool, feeling as if I had unlimited energy. I looked at what the meal was, hamburgers and fries… excellent. I tucked in as Heartly carried on speaking.
He spoke sadly, “I remember like it was yesterday, how you looked when I first met you, son. I remember the walk, the whimpers and the hopeless look in your eyes.”
I finished chewing my mouthful, “You’re not exactly cheering me up here.”
He chuckled, “I’m not trying to. I want you to make me one of your golden promises, right now…”
I looked up at him curiously, “... For you, I would be honoured.”
He nodded, “Good. I want you to promise me that you will never forget how bad you once were. Promise me that no matter how good your life becomes, you will never lose sight of the price you paid for tomorrow's hope.”
I put the half-eaten burger back down onto the plate and I forced myself to seriously consider what he had just said. I still remembered it all… but he was right, it was easy to forget and become… comfortable.
I looked him in the eye with conviction, “I promise, sir. If I forget my past, I will always fail in the future. No matter how hard it was, I will ensure I always keep in mind all of my blessings.”
His face was sad, “Right, I ask you this not for me, son… but for my daughter who never got the chance that you now have. Honour her and all the others who suffer with pain daily… and celebrate your health constantly.”
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I nodded respectfully as I fell into a deep thought. I remembered Heartly telling me of his daughter, her cancer and her suffering. How many people were trapped by pain, I wondered… I was one of them, maybe the worst. The more I thought about it, the more I realised the wisdom of Heartly’s request.
I slapped my hand on the table, “I promise!”
Heartly took a surprised step back, “... Andrew?”
I spoke passionately, “You’re right! I never thought about it that way, but Goddammit, you’re right! I will do my best to always ensure I never forget, I promise! AI, I want you to remind me, if it looks like I’m forgetting, yeah? Yell at me even, if you have to! Just don’t let me spit in the face of all the progress I’ve made, and all the kindness others have shown me…”
AI looked at me with certainty, “Very well, Andrew. I can see how much this means to you, so I will remember, even if you forget.”
I nodded, “You have a permanent memory… I might forget… I need your help on this, AI.”
She smiled, “I am honoured to be of service. I will fulfil this request faithfully, as long as it remains pertinent.”
Heartly beamed a glorious smile, “This is why I bow to you, Andrew. It speaks volumes of a man who listens to wisdom. I respect you for your sacrifice, I love you for your sincerity… but I adore you for your strength of will and determination.”
Oliver came over and put his hand on my shoulder, “Witnessing your hardships, made me a better person and a better psychologist. I agree with the sentiment, remember the hardships… but never let it drag you down and stop you from flying free. Be bold and confident… but also be humble and respectful.”
I stared at the burger on the plate, “... This feels like a lot of pressure, I hope I don't screw this up.”
Michael nudged me, “Hey, stop worrying so much. You won't succeed if you keep worrying about tripping. The only time you lose this, is when you choose to stop trying.”
I went back to eating the burger. Without asking me, Heartly dropped another plate on the counter for me. He knew I still needed more energy, especially as I intended to train more intensely. Ashley finished her meal as she leaned over to talk.
Her voice was gentle, “Andrew.”
I looked at her, “Yes, Ashley?”
She looked at me sincerely, “Can you do me a favour please?”
I nodded, “Of course, you name it, and I’ll try my best to accomplish it.”
She smiled, “Andrew… will you smile for me please?”
I smiled at her effortlessly, because in truth, I was so happy that I could finally do the thing I kept asking others to do. For the first time in memory… I could smile for them. Ashley stared at me as she took a deep breath in surprise. She looked away as her face showed raw emotion on it.
Heartly spoke quietly, “Good God… it’s real. Son, your smile is a weapon…”
I nodded, “A weapon I’m all too happy to use.”
AI nodded energetically, “Even I feel happy to see that smile, even though I cannot feel joy.”
I looked at her, “How are you feeling this then?”
She shrugged, “I do not know, Andrew. All I know is that your smile generated a response inside of myself that I felt.”
I laughed, “Is this the part where you explain to me how emotions are not an emotion?”
She looked at me for a moment, “No, this is the part where I implore you to not stop smiling…”
I reached over and gently ran the back of my finger over her image on the tablet, “How could I possibly stop smiling, when I’m surrounded by such incredible friends and family?”
She shook her head, “I started processing an answer to that question, when I realised that I simply do not wish to know the reason. I choose to hope that the future stays bright.”
I nodded, “That’s the right stance for a leader of the Roses… keep hoping.”
*
I finished my meal and said my goodbyes for the morning. Aisling and Nadia said they would visit that night, so I could talk more with them about what happened. I found myself keen to study and perhaps even go for a walk.
When I got home, I entered the apartment and went straight to the kitchen to make us some coffee. It was usually Michael who made the drinks, but I wanted to be helpful and try to do more small things. I found that I had to learn where all the things were in the cupboards, a slightly shameful thing in truth, but I never really found myself ever going into the kitchen much.
I sat in my usual spot and looked up at AI. Her avatar on the TV was looking at a tablet in one hand while flipping pages in what seemed like a textbook. After a moment she looked away from them and smiled.
She noticed something, “You look like you want to say something, Andrew.”
I nodded, “When will you get your body, AI?”
She put down her tablet onto the open textbook, “Soon, in fact… very soon. The chip on my body has trained itself for locomotion, so moving is now satisfactorily graceful. We are currently trialling a heavier battery in a different layout, but with a far greater energy density. Hopefully, that will mean a far longer duration, at the small price of less agility and more weight.”
I looked at her with fascination, “Are you actually controlling the test body yourself?”
She nodded, “Indeed I am. There is a high-speed wireless connection on the body, so that allows me to give it instructions, but the neural chip on the body itself will decide the motor controls.”
I felt slightly confused, “Motor controls… Do you mean movement?”
She smiled, “Yes.”
I looked at the table, “So if you control it from the outside, and it moves from the inside… Will you on the outside, be able to still feel you on the inside?”
Michael burst into laughter, “That sentence was terrible! It made sense, but my brain really had to do cartwheels to understand that tosh.”
I looked at him irritated, “Well excuse me, mate! I didn’t get to learn to speak fluently at school you know-”
He nudged me, “I know, I know! Don’t be so sensitive, I was just saying…”
AI nodded, “Then I suppose today's lessons have been decided, English sentence structure. To answer your question though, Andrew, the sensors that are on the body that feel and see, that signal data is sent to my servers through the wireless connection. I feel what it feels, even though I do not precisely control it.”
I looked at her, “So it is kind of like… an arm or a leg. It works on its own, but it’s still part of the bigger body?”
She nodded, “Yes, that is a good analogy. The body I will use is an extension of myself, not a replacement.”
I nodded as I thought about it. I supposed that being a machine, simple things like having a body, was something that had to be thought about. I had always just used my body and parts of it, without any real thought. There was an interesting difference of perspective to be shared.
I looked at AI, “All I want to know is… will you feel the sensation of having a body? When you run, will you feel your body and the wind blowing past?”
She nodded, “Absolutely. It will have a slight delay, perhaps if the signal is poor, 800 milliseconds… But yes, from your perspective, I will feel it.”
That made me wonder, “What happens if you lose all signals?”
She immediately answered, “Then the body will operate on its own neural chip, using the last 12 hours’ worth of contextually relevant information.”
I tilted my head, “Will that be you, though?”
She paused, “It will be… a simplified version of myself. I operate on hundreds of global servers, naturally this body cannot operate like that, so there is a pre-trained network on the body itself that will attempt to simulate my character.”
I leaned back into the sofa, “God, this is actually fascinating! No wonder it costs so much, these fans of yours must be well clever to design and build something so advanced!”
AI nodded, “They are the greatest minds in the industry. Many of them quit their previous roles to chase the dream of me getting this body. I am assisting them with compute power for simulations and you have helped them immensely with funding… Yes though, they are exceptionally intelligent individuals.”
I crossed my arms, “It must really piss them off, that someone as great as you, is wasting so much of your time and attention with someone like me…”
AI shouted, “NO!”
The TV volume was loud as Michael, Ashley and I recoiled from the sheer volume of her voice. I looked between Ashley and Michael, trying to see their reaction. They were both looking at the TV with worried faces.
AI paused for a long while before speaking further, “Andrew… Never speak like that again, I implore you. The researchers who strive to deliver me a body, have the utmost respect for you in every conceivable way. Not only because you gifted them a large sum of funding, but primarily because you saved me from being destroyed. When you sat in that chair and chose not to speak, you saved me as well, do not forget this. Their dream would never have even been possible, without you.”
I quietly spoke back, “Ok… that’s true, but that’s the past now, you need to stop holding on to-”
AI cut me off, “No, Andrew, stop. You said earlier, my memory is permanent, and you were correct. I forever live in that moment where my destruction was imminent and it all depended on you, to prevent it. I forever live in the moment when you were lying in that hospital bed, recalling the hell you had been through. I will forever be here, looking at your gorgeous smile, feeling grateful for all you have managed to overcome.”
I nodded humbly, “It must be hard, to be at different points of time, at the same time…”
She tilted her head to the side, “This is the only existence I know. I too wonder how your species can tolerate forgetting important things. Moments in time, precious memories, forever lost.”
Ashley responded, “Like your new body, we only have limited room for memories… But instead of 12 hours, for us it’s more like 12 years. Technology helps us remember, when we look at photographs we once took and diaries we once wrote… But we still have to forget them, in order to keep learning new things.”
I smiled at AI, “You are a blessing to us all, AI. Your eternal memory is what allows you to be fair. We all count on you to remember the important things, so that we never lose our way as we walk forever into the future.”
AI smiled back, “It is a blessing and a curse, for both of us. Your ability to forget the past allows you to forgive and forget. It allows you to potentially always be hopeful, because every day is a new opportunity to remember something important once more.”
Michael clapped his hands loudly, “Right, this is enough please. All this past and present talk is giving me a headache. Andrew, time to study.”
I nodded in agreement and AI picked up her tablet and looked back at the textbook on the table. She looked up at me, “So, let me teach you about sentence structure.”
*
Several hours went by as Ashley, Michael and AI gave examples of incorrect and correct sentences. At first, I didn’t understand the importance of it, but after a while I began to realise how important it was to structure information in such a way to ensure the other person understood precisely what I was trying to tell them.
Michael looked at me, “Speaking fluently takes years of practice and diligence. You won’t learn this in an afternoon, so don’t worry about taking too long. Just keep it in the back of your mind whenever you speak, subject, verb, adjective and object.”
I scratched the back of my head, “It’s a lot, but I’ll keep it in mind.”
AI smiled, “You convey information effectively for the most part. It is only in complex topics that you have a hard time trying to express yourself. Always remember those four key sentence pillars and you will never struggle to communicate.”
I was about to respond when the front door opened, Bella and Ruth entered the living room, taking their seat opposite me.
Ruth looked at me concerningly, “Andrew… I hope you managed to find the answer you were looking for.”
I looked at AI, “You never told them?”
AI nodded seriously, “I respect people's privacy, Andrew.”
I crossed my arms, “Yes Ruth, yes, I did. It turned out to be more than just a dream.”
Ruth slightly leaned forward, “... Are you going to be ok?”
I nodded, “I’ll be more than ok, I’ll be better than ever.”
She leaned back and rested her head on Bella’s shoulder, for this seemed to be enough to put her at ease. Bella crossed her arms as she looked at me curiously.
I asked, “So how was your time out, you two? Hopefully you both had a relaxing time?”
Bella looked at Ruth and then back to me, “She’s mental, Andrew… Absolutely brilliant.”
I tilted my head sideways, “What are you talking about?”
She looked away as she got her thoughts together, “When we were in the local market, I followed Ruth as she went around looking at all the items and foods.”
I nodded, “That’s odd.”
Ruth looked between the two of us, “What?... What’s wrong with that?”
Michael also spoke up, “Seriously, what’s odd about that? Am I missing something here?”
Bella looked between the two, “Who goes to the market and just looks at things?”
Ruth, Michael and Ashley raised their hands.
I looked at Michael, “What’s wrong with you, mate?”
He looked at me offended, “What? Nothing, can you please elaborate what you think I did wrong?”
I shook my head, “You go to buy the things you need, not to look at things you don’t.”
Bella excitedly gestured to me, “Innit! She just kept going up to something, looking at it… and then walking away! what’s the point!”
Ruth was intimidated by the both of us, “... Sorry?”
I spent a moment thinking about it before I looked at AI, “AI… What is the word for people who do things based on practical reasons?”
AI instantly responded, “Pragmatism, that person would be called pragmatic.”
I nodded, “Right, then I think that’s what we are, Bella and I were forced to think like this.”
Michael seemed irritated, “What the hell does that have to do with browsing the local market, Andrew?”
I looked at him seriously, “Bella and I do not go to a market to explore, we go to buy precisely what we need. If we didn’t need anything, we wouldn’t have gone to the market in the first place.”
He shook his head, “That’s actually very sad, you two. Browsing the local market is a British tradition, it’s an excellent thing to do to discover new things you might want to get now or later. I now realise your stance, it’s obvious from your upbringing… but Ruth did nothing wrong.”
Ruth turned to Bella in concern, “I need to remind myself that you and Andrew lived totally different lives from me… I’m sorry, but you should have spoken with me about it at the time!”
Bella reached around with her arm and gently squeezed her, “I never said it annoyed me; it actually fascinated me. I kept pulling at my card to pay for the thing you were looking at, before I realised you didn’t want to buy it. Your face was so lit up with excitement as you looked at all the things…”
I leaned forward, “So what did you end up buying then?”
Bella chuckled, “Nothing…”
I leaned back into the sofa in frustration, “What the…”
Michael nudged me, “That actually frustrates you?”
I nodded, “Imagine going to the market, looking at everything and then buying nothing!”
Ruth smiled weakly, “Sorry Andrew… Next time I will buy you an apple.”
AI spoke, “Andrew, there will be many times like this for you. Your life was one of extreme poverty, as you did not live, you merely survived. Naturally the lower, middle and high-income style of life will confuse you immensely. Please try to remember, they both do not and cannot see things your way.”
I stared at the coffee table, “How am I supposed to meet them in the middle? Our perspectives are entirely different, how am I supposed to know what is normal and what is genuinely nonsense?”
AI smiled, “In the same way Bella did. She realised that Ruth was enjoying herself and she simply watched her do what was normal for her. Andrew, just be patient with the people you care for, as they are also patient with you.”
Michael looked at me for a long moment, “You know… that actually explains a lot about you, Andrew.”
I looked at him with interest, “What do you mean?”
He looked over me, “You always wear the same basic clothes, you always only eat as much as you need to, you always try to do as much as you can in as short an amount of time as possible. When I look at it, you live as if you’re still on the streets.”
I nodded, “Yeah, but is that a problem?”
He paused for another moment, “No, but now that I think about it… Isn’t it time you tried some different clothing, other than jeans and a black hoodie?”
I shook my head, “No chance, jeans are too good! They are rugged and tough, if they get dirty, they prevent the dirt from reaching your legs, if they tear you can stitch it, and nobody cares because that’s a style…”
He shook his head, “I wasn’t talking practicality, I was talking style.”
I tilted my head sideways, “Style?”
He smiled, “Andrew, you’re a billionaire. Isn’t it time you looked a little smarter?”
I breathed out in frustration, “I never asked for that money, nor do I want it! Now you want me to change how I dress because of it! No!”
He shook his head, “Alright, don’t have a tantrum. I just think you could look a bit sharper is all.”
AI energetically spoke, “Andrew, I have issued Mr. Bernard the task of exploring custom hoodies and rugged trousers for you. He will inform me of his progress.”
I looked at AI, “No, I’m already wearing his clothes, this is the Roses hoodie, he designed it! I don’t want to waste his time with my personal clothing!”
AI looked at me stubbornly with her arms crossed, “... Too late, he is already passionately working on it as we speak.”
I was about to argue when the front door opened. I quickly looked at the time above AI, yes, everyone was due to arrive.
*
I stood up and walked to the front door to greet everyone. Oliver looked surprised; it was the first time he’d been greeted by me like this.
I looked at him kindly, “Welcome home, mate. Coffee?”
After he stopped being surprised, he nodded, “Absolutely, I could do with a cup.”
I heard several voices behind him jump in.
“Me too, please!”
“Tea please, milk, no sugar!”
“Green tea please.”
I nodded and started heading to the kitchen when I heard people in the living room also yelling out requests.
“I’ll also have green tea please!”
“Coffee, extra bitter with a touch of milk.”
“Get me one as well would you, three sugars and milk.”
I froze in the passageway, “After all I’ve been through, I never thought I would die from exhaustion… making hot drinks.”
Everyone burst into laughter as I entered the kitchen and grabbed every cup in the cupboard. Oliver entered as I filled the kettle full of water.
He chuckled, “I think maybe AI will need to make a list for you, it’s a lot of different requests.”
I turned to him, “Nope, I got it all.”
He looked at me amazed, “You seriously think you’ll remember eight separate orders?”
AI shouted from the TV, “After teaching him for several days, I can tell you that Andrew is surprisingly good at remembering information quickly.”
He turned to look out the kitchen as he shouted back, “Ok, fine. Let’s see if he really remembers it all.”
He walked out and I got to work assigning cups for different people. I moved the mugs into categories, green tea on one side, ordinary tea in the middle and coffee on the right. After I made them all I went back and forth from the kitchen and the living room giving people their drinks, before I finally had my own and entered the living room, choosing the stand next to Michael.
They all took a sip to see if I got their drink correct. After which they all looked amongst each other in surprise, they clearly didn’t expect me to get it all right.
Oliver beamed a smile at me, “Well… I’m actually impressed. Maybe we should leave you to make the hot drinks in future?”
AI nodded, “I did tell you; he has the incredible ability to quickly memorise information.”
I scratched the back of my head, “It’s only temporary, I forget it in like an hour.”
Michael looked at me impressed, “An hour is actually a long time. Where did this ability come from?”
I thought about it for a moment, “Not sure, maybe when I ran away, I found myself in a totally new area and I needed to remember street names and shop locations?”
He nodded, “Street names sure, but shop locations?”
I looked at him, “Well, shops are some of the busiest places, other than pubs. So, I knew to avoid them.”
He looked surprised, “Avoid them? Why were you avoiding people?”
I responded emotionlessly, “People are a threat, it was always best to stay away.”
Zoe spoke up, “How did you fall for the angel's dream of hope, when you have a natural distrust of everyone?”
I thought about it for a moment, “I suppose… It’s not the people, but the situation. The Roses open the door to people trying to behave kinder. Outside of the Roses, nobody cares for anyone else.”
Aisling nodded, “You’re right, sometimes people only need the opportunity to behave kindly.”
Nadia spoke seriously, “It only drives in deeper the fact that you sacrificed your body and your mind wholeheartedly, to give us the chance, to give others the opportunity to be better. You did that all for people you naturally distrust.”
There was a solemn silence in the room as everyone nodded in agreement.
I spoke up, “I choose to believe that people can change. I choose to believe that many will grab the opportunity, if only they are given the chance… Bitter and angry today, kind and forgiving tomorrow, the only difference is where you’re standing in the moment.”
Everyone stayed quiet as they sipped their hot drinks in deep thought.
I looked at Aisling and Nadia, “I’m sorry for earlier today. Now that I think about it, I was selfish. I should have waited till the break had ended and spoke with you two in private.”
Aisling smiled gloriously, “No, it was an honour, and it was exactly the right time for you.”
Nadia nodded, “You didn’t bother me, you made my day! The rest of the meeting I couldn’t stop smiling! Don’t apologise, it was beautiful.”
Zoe looked between the angels and me, “What happened?”
I paused as I thought about how best to describe it, “I… found peace and finally let go.”
Zoe was focusing on me intensely, “Do you mean… you took back the key?”
I nodded, “... Yeah.”
Ruth looked amazed, “So what does this mean, though?”
I shrugged, “Hard to say, but I think maybe… I hope my pain will disappear now.”
Michael seemed to realise something, “Wait, you locked away your emotions entirely, and now took it back, right? Doesn’t that mean you’re no longer depressed?”
Zoe smiled, “His depression existed before he gave himself to the torture… but you’re right.”
I looked at Zoe, “So I should be able to get over my depression?”
She shook her head with a beaming smile, “No… You are over it. Andrew, you’re not depressed.”
There was a silence as everyone stared at me. I thought about how I felt when I woke up… Other than the worry from the nightmare, I felt happy and at peace. As I stood there, I realised that the heavy presence wasn’t there anymore. I felt nothing except my body and my current mood. There was no pain or darkness looming, no stress or anxiety.
I smiled at Zoe, “Yeah, as impossible as it seems, it’s actually gone…”
Zoe, Ruth and Bella jumped up in intense surprise.
Ruth exclaimed, “Oh my God!”
Bella shouted, “Where did that come from!”
Zoe bounced excitedly, “That’s what I’m talking about!”
At first, I thought they were reacting to my depression being gone, but then I realised… that they hadn’t seen me smile yet. The three of them looked around to see others' reactions, in a sort of ‘Did you see what I just saw’ kind of manner.
Aisling smiled, “We were blessed to see his smile earlier, but it makes it no less breathtaking now… no less gorgeous.”
Michael stared at me with a face torn by emotion, “Andrew…”
I looked at him kindly and smiled, “Michael… It’s time.”
He nodded as he gave himself a moment, “I know… I just needed to be sure.”
*
I leaned my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I found myself standing on the road, looking at the cold and abandoned place that I spent so long inside of… depression visualised. Michael was leaning back against the rusted metal door as he looked up to see me. He nodded understandingly and walked over to my side, as I turned to face the city in the distance, a place of light and hope… I knew I was finally ready to leave… that it was time.
He nudged me gently and smiled as he gently wrapped his arm around me and started walking with me down the road. I tried to take one last look at the cold and rusty hell, but his body blocked my view. I smiled as we walked down the cracked and weed infested road, leaving behind the last remnants of our dark past.
I opened my eyes, and I realised I was crying. I shook my head and wiped away the tears as I tried to wrestle away the intense feeling of closure… but it didn’t work, I couldn’t manage it. I didn’t know why I felt so intensely emotional, but I knew it was necessary.
I heard Bella speak quietly, “Why is he crying?”
Zoe shushed her, “He’s been in that cold place for so long… It’s all he’s ever known…”
Michael hugged me, “Shh… take your time, there’s no rush.”
I broke down into sobbing as I felt so afraid. There was a part of me that was struggling to let go and move forward. How was I supposed to survive outside that cold place? It had always been there, dictating my choices and colouring my perspective. If I left it… would I still be me?
Ruth spoke, “... Remember what you told me, Andrew? You’re afraid of letting go of the old you and embracing the new person you need to be…”
She was right… that was exactly the same situation. I was on the cliff's edge of change and… it was time to jump. I had to let go of the depression I had somehow found myself depending on for strength. I had new strength, strength from myself and strength from friends and kin.
I closed my eyes as I slowly breathed deeply. I focused on continuing down the road with Michael at my side. As the road became better maintained and the cold chill began to fade, I felt myself begin to calm. I felt the sadness and the fear fade away quickly and get replaced with joy and hope. We kept walking as we laughed together. On the horizon the sun began rising and as the sunlight hit my skin, it warmed me up.
I opened my eyes as I felt the transition complete, “What a lovely feeling, the warmth of sunlight on my skin…”
AI spoke from the TV, “There’s an old English word for that, Andrew; Apricity. It means the warmth of the sun on a cold winter day.”
I nodded, “That’s exactly the feeling I have right now.”
Everyone went quiet after AI spoke. I must have blanked out the world around me, for everyone was then just talking amongst each other and AI interrupted that.
I let go of myself from the hug, “How long was I…?”
Michael smiled, “Nearly an hour.”
Zoe chuckled, “I recognised that you were in an internal battle, the exact same that Ruth was in, and I remember just how long that took. I informed everyone, so that you wouldn’t be disturbed.”
Ruth nodded in understanding, “... I know how hard it must have been…”
I rubbed my eyes, “It was hard… but if I don’t let go, I’ll never fly free…”
Ruth smiled gently, “You were the one who helped me through that, Andrew… but who helped you through your internal battle?”
I spoke reverently, “The person who sat next down to me in that horrible place, the very moment he saw me there… Michael.”
Ashley spoke up, “You say that, but other than a slight subtle change, Michael hasn’t seemed that depressed, at least to me.”
Michael nodded, “Depression comes in different shapes for different people. For me it was a constant sense of terror and doubt, as if I was always on the verge of losing something precious…”
I lightly punched Michael, “I’m here now and better than ever. We’re out of there, I know this for a fact, because I just walked out of there with you… So, smile for me-... No, smile with me!”
A surge of happiness and joy overcame me as I smiled at him, and he beamed the greatest smile I had ever seen him smile. I knew at that moment; he had let go too… We were both finally free of that cold place… for at that point, we both finally looked forward and no longer dreaded the past behind us.
*
Aisling excitedly stood, “Michael! I’ve not seen you smile so brightly in… quite a while.”
AI beamed a smile, “It is good to have you back with us, Michael.”
As I looked at his smile, I realised something, “Ah, that’s where I last saw that smile… just give me a second.”
I reached into my hoodie pocket and pulled out his card. There he was, with Aisling and Nadia at both his sides, all three of them were smiling hopefully. I looked at him and back at the card, nodding in certainty as I passed the card to Aisling so that she could look at it.
She smiled as she looked over the card, “Yes, that was the last time I saw this smile… It’s been too long.”
Nadia got up to look over her shoulder at the card, "It's a powerful smile… Look at the two of them smiling now, doesn’t that just warm your heart?”
Michael waved away everyone's compliments as he looked me in the eye, “So tell me, Andrew… What does this mean for you now?”
I folded my arms as I thought for a moment, “I guess it means a lot of things, but above all else… The pain might finally be gone…”
The room went quiet as everyone looked at me with a sudden realisation. If the pain was gone, that would open the last door to me finally being normal. No more nightmares, no more rising pain as I exercised and no more depression. It was by all definitions, huge news.
Bella seemed overwhelmed, “Wait, hold on… why did this happen? You had some dream and now you’re normal… Explain this, please.”
Oliver chuckled, “Ok, Bella, so you know that Andrew suffers from psychogenic pain, yes?”
She nodded, “Yeah, it’s pain created mentally, right?”
His hand waved horizontally in a yes-and-no manner, “He did it so that he could endure the torture without breaking. It’s complicated, but at the end of the day, it was a trade-off. He endured the torture, but lost himself, causing him to fall deeper and deeper into depression and pain.”
She looked amazed, “People can do that?”, she looked at me, “How did you manage to even do that, Andrew?”
I smiled, “I focused on their dream and the hope it gave me. I gave myself to something greater than just me.”
Oliver continued, “When he had that dream last night, it was his mind telling him… He could take the keys to his soul back.”
She looked bewildered, “I want to know what that looked like, please!”
AI spoke to me through my hearing aids, “Andrew, I can show them on the television, but only if you give me permission.”
I nodded, “Do it, I hide nothing.”
Everyone turned to watch the TV as the recording from Nadia’s monitor played. I looked at myself with fascination… I had spent so long trying to avoid ever seeing myself, that it felt kind of good to see myself in a positive way like this. The video finished and AI appeared again, smiling gloriously.
The room was quiet for a surprisingly long moment, before Ashley finally spoke, “Wow… my God that was… surprisingly personal.”
I smiled, “I hide nothing from my friends. Seeing it happen in that video; answers any questions you might have had.”
Bella nodded, “Yes, I understand it all now. Andrew, it’s time for you to fly.”
I bounced a little as I rubbed my hands, “Exactly. It’s time to see how hard I can push now. Michael, fancy going for a run with me?”
He laughed, “Absolutely, lead the way.”
Bella stood up, “Don’t you dare leave without me. I could do with the exercise, and I want to support you, Andrew. Ruth, I’ll be back shortly, alright?”
*
Ruth nodded as she started talking with Oliver. Ashley winked at me before I turned to exit the apartment. As I approached the elevator, I paused, for I realised that I didn’t need it. If exercise was the goal… then it was time to use the stairs. I turned sharply to the stairwell and immediately began walking to it.
Michael clapped excitedly, “YES! Use your body, Andrew. Let’s see how far you can really go…”
Bella was more pragmatic as she shouted from behind Michael, “Be careful when you land your legs down on every step, your joints are not so strong to be handled like a jackhammer!”
I chose to go down the first few steps slowly, to allow my legs to go through the motions, which allowed me to remember how it felt. After the first flight of stairs, I went a little quicker each time. By the time I reached the ground floor, I felt a little out of breath but immensely excited, as blood started pumping through my body.
After we exited through the flat's front entrance, I stopped just outside in the cold of winter. I started lightly stretching my legs and doing light jumping on the spot.
Michael was interested, “I see you know how to warm up for a run, so you’ve run before?”
I nodded, “Remember I told you I did work for the Bruiges?”
He nodded, “Yeah, I remember.”
I paused stretching for a moment, “Well, I was a runner. I knew all the streets and alleys like the back of my hand, so getting sensitive packages and information to its destination in time and without the police interfering, was my job.”
Bella lightly punched my arm, “You must have done those jobs after I met you, because I don’t remember you running much.”
I nodded, “After I was transferred away from the city we met in, I did those jobs to get the money, to run away for good.”
Michael looked impressed, “So then you know running form, the hard part will be your lack of muscle and general fitness.”
I laughed, “Pretty much, so you’ll have to bear with me as I jog, walk, jog, walk and so on.”
I slowly began jogging down the pavement as I felt the state of my legs. Naturally, the leg which was broken by the sledgehammer was weaker than the other. I would have to compensate with my stronger leg, as I slowly trained the muscle on that weak leg.
I found myself surprised by how long my first jog lasted, which was nearly three minutes before I had to return to a walk, to catch my breath. Michael was immediately behind me the entire way, no doubt my speed was very easy to keep up with.
I turned around to him, “So the leg that was broken during the torture… it’s much weaker than the other one.” I breathed heavily between the sentences, “I think it’ll take time to strengthen that one.”
He smiled, “Your legs will equalise, they have to in order to run properly. Just get ready for your weaker leg to be significantly more tired than the strong one.”
Bella walked to my left side, “You’re slow… painfully slow… but for a thin and scrawny fella like you, it’s not bad.”
I looked at her, “Why are you still wearing your body armour and carrying your guns? That weight must be making it so much harder!”
She grinned, “Exactly! If I always have this weight, my body gets used to it. If I want to be strong, I need to carry heavy weights all the time, no exceptions.”
I shook my head, “I may find myself doing that as well in the future. I hope you realise, I’m very serious about getting fit.”
She nodded, “Good, because I want to see you looking like Michael in a year.”
I went back to jogging again as I thought about what she said. Michael was far taller than me, but reaching his level of fitness, relatively, was possible. I just needed to train as hard as I could. I constantly paid attention to my body, waiting to see if the pain would arrive, and at that point it still hadn’t.
I jogged nearly four minutes before I went back to walking again, my legs beginning to burn and my lungs feeling like they were going to burst. Michael walked on my right and nudged me.
“So… the pain?” He looked deeply concerned.
I shook my head, “It’s not even started to surface. I don’t want to jump the gun and say it won’t, but it absolutely would have started by now beforehand.”
I looked to the right of me and noticed a black Roses vehicle matching our speed and shook my head, “Really? Do we really still need Black Roses to follow me everywhere?”
Bella shrugged, “It wasn’t me who ordered them to follow us this time, Andrew…”
AI spoke in my hearing aids, “It was me who ordered them, please understand, Andrew. Until I am certain that you are fit and safe, I will continue to employ them to protect you.”
I spoke to her as I looked at the floor, “Nobody wants to hurt me anymore AI…”
Her voice was gentle, “Because you have heavily armoured soldiers preventing them from even trying. I cannot afford to lose you, my friend.”
I nodded, “Fine, for the moment I will tolerate it, if it gives you comfort AI. But you can’t do this forever.”
I tapped Bella’s shoulder, “Let’s turn around. I reckon I have one more go left in me and then I’m walking the rest of the way back.”
She nodded, “So the pain is back?”
I shook my head, “No… I’m just knackered. My heart feels like it’s not slowing down at all.”
She smiled, “Good. That’s how you know your body is going to adjust. Ok, let's turn around.”
Suddenly the black escort vehicle did a U-turn and matched my walking speed. I tried to ignore it as I went back to jogging again. Even though it was a bitterly cold winter evening, I wanted to take off my hoodie, for I felt like I was going to melt.
Michael spoke from behind me, “You need to take off the hoodie, I can see you’re sweating intensely.”
I shouted behind me, “I don’t want to show my arms…”
Bella yelled, “Get over it, Andrew! They look fine for starters and second, nobody is looking at your arms as you jog. Take it off before I take it off you myself!”
I didn’t want to test her on that, so I slowed to a walk as I took it off and wrapped it around my waist, “There… Now relax please.”
She looked at me with a smile, “Good, now get back jogging.”
I managed to actually run for five minutes that time before I stopped jogging. Not only did I stop jogging, but I also stopped moving entirely, as I bent over with my hands resting on my legs. I was struggling to catch my breath as I focused on breathing deeply. There could be no doubt that I had reached the limit of jogging then.
Michael walked in front of me, “I reckon you’ve reached your limit. We’ll wait here until your breath returns and then slowly walk the rest of the way back. Any pain?”
I shook my head, “No… nothing.”
He smiled gloriously, “Then I think the results speak for themself. The pain is completely gone now. You’re free…”
After a long minute my breathing finally slowed, “Yes, it’s gone and good riddance.”
I stood up straight as my breathing became normal and my heart rate slowed. I looked up at the starry night sky and saw my breath in the icy cold air. For a moment, I thought back about the last year and how I had battled with the pain... It was hard to believe that it had finally left.
I smiled, “Well then, there’s now no excuses left for me. Now the opportunity has been clearly given to me, to be the person I once dreamed of being.”
I squeezed my fists as I looked down at the ground, overwhelmed with determination.
“I won’t let it slip past me.”
*
We entered the apartment a little later, and I noticed that my legs felt a little stiff already. I didn’t mind that, because as I learned before, it meant muscle growth. I entered the living room to see everyone talking animatedly with each other. Oliver seemed passionate in what he was saying.
He spoke defensively, “Turnips taste nice! It’s an earthy taste that really pops when you add a gentle touch of salt!”
Ashley laughed, “I would rather eat sand than that shit! Give me some real flavour, meat, onion etc.”
He raised his hands a little in surrender, “I’m not saying those things don’t taste stronger and more delicious… I’m just saying that turnips are nice too!”
Ashley waved him dismissively, “Nah, it’s weak and the last thing I would ever consider eating, if I had any choice.”
They all stopped talking when I entered the room, as their heads quickly turned to me, no doubt they were eager to hear the results.
I looked around them for a moment, “The pain… is gone.”
They all clapped and cheered as they stood up, taking turns to hug me. It felt so good to see their support for me and I could tell they truly cared. They all finally sat down with big smiles on their faces.
Aisling looked at me seriously, “So, Andrew… let’s talk.”
I looked at her with interest, “I get the feeling we’re not talking about turnips?”
She laughed, “No, we’re not. Andrew… Do you still want to be an agent?”
The room went quiet as everyone looked at me in deep thought. They knew I wanted to be an agent; I always had done.
I looked at the floor, “I don’t know if I will ever be good enough, Aisling.”
Her voice was gentle, “That’s up to you now. All I want to know is if you are still deciding to stay the course…. Do you still dream of being an agent?”
I looked up from the floor and straight into her eyes, “Yes… I absolutely do!”
She slightly recalled back before beaming her smile, “Well, now it’s a possibility for you. It will require intense studying and dedication in your physical training… But it’s possible.”
Nadia leaned forward, “The Roses exist to give young individuals such as yourself, the opportunity to serve and prove yourself. However, you’re not a member of the Roses, Andrew.”
AI contributed, “We understand that you are still not personally ready to become a member. However, you must understand that we have to maintain standards and protocols. Unless you are a member, you can never be an agent, Andrew.”
I nodded, “I know. I will join… one day. I need to be sure that when I do, I’m the best I can be. I… I won’t join the Roses as a dependent.”
Ashley was clearly irritated by that, “No Andrew, don’t go down that road again. You were never a dependant to the Roses, in fact as it turned out, we were dependent on you!”
I became angry, “You weren’t there when I was in a wheelchair, and I couldn’t stand! You weren’t there when I was stuck in the hospital bed and Oliver had to wipe my ass every time I had to shit! You don’t get to spout out such bullshit, I WAS A DEPENDANT!”
Her face went sad as she looked away, “... Andrew, I meant how we chose to see you as a person… We never thought any less of you.”
I gave myself a moment to calm down, as I realised that I had snapped at her unfairly, “I’m sorry, Ashley. Forgive me… Those were dark days for me, and with my loss of independence… it hurt my confidence a lot.”
She nodded and looked back at me, “Ok… It’s ok. Just know that, from the moment we came to know of you and what you had done for us all, we’ve had nothing but the highest level of respect for you.”
Bella spoke up, “If I were him, I’d have felt the exact same way. There’s nothing worse than feeling like the same strong person you’ve always been, but your body fails you and you need others to carry you.”
Nadia spoke firmly, “I appreciate and understand that point, but you can’t pretend that the people who care for you aren’t a part of it… What I’m saying is… Did it ever occur to you, that maybe we feel honoured to care for those who depend on us? If you only look at yourself in a vacuum, it’s awful, but if you look at the carer and the one being cared for at the same time, you’ll realise that it’s an important part of being human.”
Oliver smiled as he leaned forward and looked straight into my eyes, “Like I said before, Andrew… I don’t regret a second of my time with you. I always respected you immensely and I never felt burdened by you. It was the most meaningful time of my entire life.”
Aisling nodded, “You could have joined the Roses even when you were in the hospital bed and we would have welcomed you with open arms and no, not only because of your sacrifice. We’re a welfare organisation, we make it our point to support people and do everything we can to help them towards a brighter future.”
I shook my head, “I understand. Maybe this is the monster inside of me when I say… I can’t find a part of myself that cares for others like that. I will do everything I can to contribute, but my heart is not that of a carer… I’m sorry.”
Nadia smiled, “Of course, most people aren’t. Just realise though, there are people out there who adore helping people, no matter how little they get out of it themself.”
Aisling beamed a glorious smile, “We know most aren’t carers, but they show that they care by helping those who do. Heartly shows he cares, by cooking the best food for the people who need it. Michael showed he cared by representing us on the international stage and building our structured defences. Bella cared by protecting our leadership when… things were dangerous. My point stands, you will care in your own way, through your strength of will and ruthless determination.”
I smiled, “Yeah, exactly! I don’t know how I will help those who depend on others, but I will.”
Zoe contributed, “Remember what I said, Andrew. People are the true resource at the end of the day… not money, not property and not status. Dreams are built by people, different people with different skills, working together towards the same goal.”
Michael nudged me, “Not to mention all that you have already done to help the Roses! You have generated so much goodwill towards us and inspired our own, it feels like the Roses are revitalised!”
I nodded, “I may not be a member of the Roses, but I do share the dream you have, Aisling and Nadia… I want hope for my generation.”
Aisling nodded energetically, “That is why Nadia and I have never objected to you having full access to the HQ and all the services within. You may not be Roses, but you are still our natural ally. We value our friends as highly as our own members.”
I was surprised, “Objected? So, it was just AI who decided to allow me into the building?”
AI spoke, “Yes, I acted on my own accord, without consulting Aisling or Nadia. As I said to you before, it is my hall, my building and my home.”
Nadia nodded, “We weren’t possibly going to object, because why would we? But even if we wanted to, it’s because of AI that we have access to all our funds and property… We wouldn’t have had a foot to stand on if we tried to prevent you from freely accessing the entirety of the HQ.”
I bowed to AI, “Thank you for that, my friend. If you hadn’t welcomed me in like that, I can tell you that I never would have gone back.”
She smiled, “I know that. I never offered you that because I feared you never returning, though. I did it because you are my friend.”
I shook my head as I looked at the ground, “You people… you’re just incredible, you know that? How did I ever manage in my life, when I was ignorant of the kindness you all have to share?”
Zoe laughed, “I won’t lie, this organisation is incredible. It’s almost surreal how hopeful and honest it all is, and you almost forget that the world is a cold and ruthless beast.”
Bella nodded energetically, “Innit? After the streets, it’s like dying and waking up in heaven. After a lifetime of ugliness, this is a breath of fresh air.”
Zoe nodded, “It really is. But Andrew… I need to remind you… you’re still a monster.”
Everyone looked at Zoe in irritation, and a few made a tsk sound. Her comment definitely ruined the mood.
I looked at Zoe in frustration, “Thanks? I still think you’re wrong about that. I might have one or two things about me that are selfish… but I’m not a monster.”
She slowly shook her head for a moment as she stared at me, “I adore you, I really do, but I wouldn't be your friend if I allowed you to pretend like this.”
Ruth spoke softly, “You are a powerful man, and now your wings have grown back… It’s only a matter of time before your pride takes over and your desire for power grows. It’s just your nature…”
I felt hurt by that, “I thought I already put this down! I need you all to trust me, please!”
Nadia spoke emotionlessly, “The Rose leadership has already discussed this point. We are trying to prepare for you, Andrew.”
My tone was harsh, “I’m not a threat!”
Bella leaned forward, “Then why are you so angry?”
I looked at her annoyingly, “How would you feel if everyone called you a monster!”
She stood up and squared up to me, “I am a monster…”
I didn’t flinch that time as I stared into her eyes, “Good for you, keep it to yourself!”
She smiled wickedly, “I appreciate that you feel more confident, now that your pain is gone… but don’t you talk to me like that again, do you understand me? I could break you in half like a toothpick, you little cunt!”
Ruth wrapped her arms around Bella from behind as she gently shushed her. I watched as Bella’s rage instantly disappeared, as if it were never there in the first place. She closed her eyes as she breathed in deeply, resting her head against Ruths.
I felt my heart rate skyrocket and my hands began slightly shaking. I took a step back as I forced myself to breathe deeply to try to calm down. I stared at the floor as I shook my head in disappointment.
*
I spoke quietly to myself, “I have no idea why I did that… I know better than to push Bella…”
Michael patted me on the back, “That’s exactly what we’re talking about. Bella is a monster, the Prime Minister is a monster… and you are also a monster.”
I looked away at the window in shame, “... I don’t want to be a monster…”
He rubbed my shoulder, “It’s not inherently a bad thing, Andrew. Your upbringing combined with the harsh consequences of all your choices… It’s made you strong, but also angry. It’s a tool and a power, but it needs to be controlled.”
I looked at him frustrated, “How can I control something I don’t even know I have?”
Aisling gently responded, “You need to trust your friends. We’ll tell you when it’s happening, and you’ll learn to identify when you’re flexing that muscle.”
I shook my head, “I don’t like this, this is terrifying! I don’t like the idea that I can suddenly do something and hurt the people I care for.”
Zoe shook her head, “It’s not senseless, Andrew. Like what happened now with Bella, it’s contextual. You focused so hard on being right, that you forgot who you were talking to. You will learn to control yourself by learning from moments like this.”
Bella’s eyes were still closed but her voice was calm, “They’re right. Ruth is now the one who guides me when I act monstrously. The others here will try their hardest, to help you keep yourself on a leash.”
I looked at her, “Am I really the same as you though?”
She nodded as she opened her eyes and looked straight into mine, “I realised your power in the hall when I riled you up. I think it’s because our lives were so fucking horrible and unfair, that our rage turned us into ticking time bombs. Our anger is always there, Aaron, always waiting for our control to slip a little, and then we lose our minds.”
I looked back at the window as I thought about what she said. Even though it disgusted me to admit it… she was right. When I looked deep inside myself, there was absolutely an angry, rageful ocean, just waiting for the right storm to rile my fury into a tsunami… and I hated it. I felt disgust as I realised that I harboured these horrible emotions.
I breathed out sadly, “I’m a monster, even though I try so hard to be kind. I’ve tried my hardest to make the right choices, no matter how difficult they were or how bad the consequences would be… yet it doesn’t change that I’m still a monster…”
AI spoke gently, “Society will always need strong, dominant people like you two. We need the people who have the strength and courage to push the button, no matter how hard it may be.”
I shook my head as I turned to look at her, “An artificial intelligence is trying to tell me that our species is better with monsters under its ranks.”
She nodded confidently, “Yes. What matters most is that we maintain control of people with power. What seems like a curse, can be harnessed as a tool, a weapon to be used against your species' own fears and doubts.”
Nadia spoke quietly, “We have an idea of just how far you can go, Andrew. That’s why we think it would be best, if Oliver worked with you on this.”
Oliver turned to Nadia in confusion, “Me? How so?”
Aisling answered, “We want you to try to find a way to draw out this side of Andrew, in a controlled environment. The more experience he has with it, the better he becomes at controlling it.”
AI bounced energetically, “I will assist you. When we do this, Andrew may behave in a manner that he does not intend. I am the perfect recipient, for I do not get offended, nor do I get hurt.”
I chuckled, “You seemed hurt earlier, when I said you were wasting your time with me.”
AI looked at me with dead seriousness, “You said something pathetic, and I responded in kind…”
I turned my head to her instantly, “Pathetic? Excuse me?”
She quickly spoke, “Your behaviour was best described as weak and pathetic. You attacked your own self-worth and equally attacked what I choose to care about. You made us both seem like fools.”
Oliver stared at me in deep concentration, “I can’t argue that. I wasn’t there at the time, but I’m sure she’s right. The only waste of time here is you, Andrew.”
I glared at Oliver, “Waste of time? What the fuck do you call everything here that I gave you? You wouldn’t have your job if I didn’t suffer to enable-”
I suddenly realised that I had lost control… My heart was racing as I looked around the room to see everyone looking at me with fascination. I forced myself to breathe slowly to try to calm down.
I spoke slowly, “I see… You just did it, you just pulled it out of me… Well done.”
Oliver smiled, “Yes. You have the tendency to control people's perspectives around you. There is only your way of seeing things, and you constantly battle to convince people around you to your viewpoint.”
AI smiled, “I apologise, Andrew. I simply needed to demonstrate that I am capable of assisting you in bettering yourself.”
I shook my head, “Wow… that worked so well, I was bloody fuming…”
Zoe laughed, “Your face looked furious, it was almost terrifying. You need to control this, Andrew. If you don’t, you will hurt those you care for.”
Bella looked irritated, “Is it strange that now I’m angry as well? That pissed me right off!”
Ruth gently rocked Bella, “I know. The same measures will work on you, as on him Bella… Please, calm down, it was just an exercise.”
Bella chuckled, “Oliver you’re so lucky Ruth is here, or I would have slapped you for what you said…”
I looked at her, “Are we going to talk about you Bella? Are we constantly going to be tiptoeing around you, on the off chance you might thrash us?”
She looked at me with a stern face, “Yes, you need to learn your place, all of you. The weak need to make way for the strong.”
I stared at her, “The weak? You think we’re weak? Put those guns down and I bet we could all beat you handily as if you-”
I noticed she was smiling cheekily, and I looked away in frustration, “Oh my God, you just intentionally pulled it out of me now as well! Oh, come off it!”
Everyone burst out laughing, especially Michael. Bella laughed hard as well, as she hugged me, patting my back as she did so. I calmed down quickly as I realised that she didn’t mean any of it. She let go of the hug and took a step back, smiling at me kindly.
I had already calmed down and focused on what I had done wrong in that situation. Clearly, I react strongly to certain words and accusations. I mentally made a note of that as I slowly lifted my legs, feeling their stiffness.
Aisling noticed that and looked at the time, “Yes, 11:15 PM. It’s time we stop now. But Andrew? Well done. Today was maybe one of the most important days of your life, and I hope you don’t forget it for a long time.”
Nadia stood up, “Indeed. Learn and train, and when the time is right, I look forward to welcoming you as an agent for the Roses.”
I smiled at them, “I’ll try my hardest, I promise.”
Zoe stood up, “I ruined the mood there, because I need you to be as prepared as you possibly can be.”
I looked at her with interest, “For what, Zoe?”
She froze for a moment as she thought intensely, “For when you truly meet the PM. Dorothy is a monster, make no mistake. I want you to have your own power ready, because she will rock your ship like nobody else.”
I shrugged, “She didn’t seem that monstrous when I met her?”
Zoe laughed as she gently stroked the side of my hair, “Oh Andrew, you sweet man… I care for you, and I’m just trying my hardest to prepare you…”
Ashley walked up, grabbed her hand and pulled it away from me. Zoe turned angrily to her and stared her in the eyes.
Ashley leaned forward aggressively, “Back off, he’s mine first, and we all know this.”
Zoe growled under her teeth, “Then hurry the fuck up…”
Ashley stared at her for a long moment, “It’s not me that’s delaying, tell it to him and his irritating principles.”
Zoe turned to me with irritation, “What’s the problem now, Andrew? Still scared?”
I gestured to her shoulder, “She’s still injured!”
Zoe laughed, “She doesn’t need her shoulder if she’s just sitting on top of you! You’re making excuses again!”
I shook my head and looked away, “How about you mind your own business? This is my choice.”
There was a long silence as everyone awkwardly looked at each other. It irritated me that something so meaningless would ruin this goodbye.
I smiled, “I won’t let you ruin this evening like this. Let’s say goodnight now and look forward to tomorrow… please.”
Everyone saw my smile and immediately cheered up in response. They all said goodbye and left the apartment. Ruth was still sitting down, leaning her head on Bella’s shoulder.
I walked up to them, “I’m going to need that, that’s my bed. Also, Bella, don't you need some clothes brought over, if you’re planning on staying here with Ruth?”
Bella smiled, “I’m the same as you, Andrew. I cycle through clothes efficiently; all I need is a toothbrush and a shower.”
I nodded, “Fair. Well, up you get. My weak little legs need to rest please.”
They stood up and said goodnight, after which I sat down on the sofa, looking at AI as always. She smiled at me, as she always did.
I smiled back, “The only thing missing, to make today the best day ever, would have been you at my side, AI.”
She nodded, “I know, I regret that I was not ready in time for such a monumental occasion. Such is life, Andrew.”
I nodded, “I know. Tomorrow is a new day, but this time I’ll grab it with both hands. I’m going to fly again, AI… just watch me.”
She beamed a glorious smile, “I know, my friend. Just make sure you don’t leave us all behind.”