Hajime has long since lost his hearing to the absurd demands of this worlds "Creator". He stares blankly at the clouds, remembering better times. His eyes are hollow. His soul? Cashed out and emptied.
Somewhere in the distance, he can vaguely hear:
“Bathtub stream collaboration with—”
Then blissful silence blesses Hajime again. His body has evolved to block out the horrors of absurdity.
He sighs and opens his Cheapo Hero Subscription.
A transparent screen materializes:
“The Cheapo Chosen Hero.”
The stats have improved slightly, but the Ad-Resist stat still flickers with an error warning. One number catches his eye — his follower count. It’s over 5,000 now.
He hasn’t done anything.
“What are these people even doing with their lives?” he mutters.
Then he remembers — oh right, they don't have lives, this damned world...
He sighs again and checks Elnora’s stream page. It’s down for maintenance.
“Finally quitting streaming?” Hajime wonders aloud. “I doubt it...”
He flips over to Merry’s page — she’s shilling reconstruction ads for Adlantis.
“They’re probably fine…” he says, voice flat as ever.
Unbeknownst to Elnora, her grand “reunion surprise” has already been spoiled by Hajime’s casual lurking on the forums. He won’t worry or wonder about her anymore — he’s got enough paperwork trauma to last a lifetime, considering her wants is secondary for now...
Zombie-like, he watches the divine debate. It’s the spiritual equivalent of watching paint dry.
A lion girl scribbles on celestial tablets while shouting legal jargon at a blocky god.
Hajime sighs. “I could be watching Tentacle-san’s new season right now…”
Then—
“Testing, testing! Can you hear me?”
Hajime blinks. “I must be hallucinating… but this voice feels… warm.”
His vitality begins to return.
“You’re not insane, my herald! I’m back!”
“...Wait, what? I must be deluding myself.”
Then an intrusive ad interrupts his thoughts:
“Subscribe to Chutubits v3 for high-definition multidimensional cable! Call now at—”
If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.
“Wait a damn minute,” Hajime says, wide-eyed. “I’d never imagine an ad in my own mind. She’s alive!”
“My herald,” says Tentacle-san, “to finalize our contract, summon me to the mortal plane!”
“I can’t,” Hajime says. “I’m stuck in a divine realm right now.”
“Perfect!” she replies cheerfully. “That makes it easier to find you. Whose realm is it?”
“Deus’s,” Hajime answers instantly. “Please help me.”
“Even better,” Tentacle-san says. “I’ll be there soon.”
Moments later, Deus freezes mid-sentence. “What… is this? Who’s trying to invade my domain?”
Knock, knock.
The sound echoes through the heavens like a salesman at the front door of creation.
“It comes for me,” Hajime whispers.
“What comes for you?” Deus asks suspiciously.
Valiant hears the noise and immediately foams at the mouth. “WHAT THE HELL IS SHE DOING HERE?!”
“Ignore the marketer,” Deus snaps. “Let’s continue the debate.”
They try to continue but the knocks grow louder, shaking the skies.
Knock. Knock.
Valiant rushes through her notes. “Addendum to ToS 34798668! Hajime shall not be obligated to discriminate against demons — it violates the Neutral Content Clause of the Amanonus Era!”
Knock. Knock.
Deus fires back, “Competition protocol ToS 77909878, act two! We must remain competitive against rival marketing entities. This is non-negotiable!”
Knock. Knock.
Valiant yells, “Addendum to ToS 111297 — Hajime should not have to sell his soul to his patron god!”
Deus replies coldly, “He’s not selling it. It’s just being held as collateral.”
A thunderous KNOCK shatters the artificial sun. It breaks like glass.
“My sun!” Deus screams. “It took me seven days to make that!”
She storms toward the edge of the realm. “I’m answering the damn door!”
Valiant screams, “NOOOOO!”
Deus opens a small divine window and peers out.
A cheerful, distorted voice greets her:
“Yes, hello! My name is (#&@@(#)E)E) and I’m offering a Chutubits Subscription for my herald currently residing in your domain! Please open the door to finalize the transaction!”
Deus looks back at Valiant and Hajime.
Valiant silently mouths “NO.”
Hajime looks hopeful and nods.
That pisses Deus off even more.
“No. He’s not interested in your subscription. Please leave!”
She slams the window shut and sits back down.
Knock. Knock.
The noise doesn’t stop. The sky itself begins to crack.
Deus grits her teeth. “What is that thing outside my domain?”
Valiant mutters darkly, “An otherworlder… She never stops.”
PTSD flickers across her eyes. The knocking continues—
Hours pass. The realm flickers between day and night with every knock. Planets are born and destroyed in a rhythmic syncronicity. What was once pristine and holy now looks like damaged cosmic drywall.
Hajime watches with mild amusement. “At least something’s happening…”
The room morphs into a desert mid-argument.
Valiant growls, “Hurry it up! We need to finish this!”
Deus, sweating digital static, yells, “My domain is in ruins! I’m this close to blowing up reality!”
Hajime shrugs. “Please do. Maybe something better will replace it.”
“Shut up!” Deus snaps, and divine tape materializes over Hajime’s mouth.
Knock. Knock.
Valiant mutters, “What weak-ass door. I held her off for five hundred years.”
Deus snarls, “I’ve held her off for eternities! And she’s still breaking through!”
The door hinges finally snap.
A dark green energy seeps through, warping the air.
Eldritch ads leak into the realm — colorful, glowing, and unreasonably persuasive.
Deus gasps, “Oh no, you don’t!” She splits herself into clones, one launching a War Ad Campaign against the invader.
Panic fills the divine halls.
For the first time in ages, Hajime smiles faintly.
He’s rooting for the marketer.