Listen to the audiobook of this chapter:

  “So, what do you want to do today?” I asked Mikael as I settled into my computer chair on a fine Sunday morning.

  “I’m a little burned out on Shakara? so I was thinking we could watch a movie together.”

  “Does Chatterbox do that?” I asked.

  “We can get Live View. It lets you stream videos online to anyone connected to the chat.”

  I was only vaguely surprised I hadn’t heard of it before. I didn’t have many friends I talked to online, after all. Well, just Mikael, really.

  I told him he could pick the first movie. He chose a teen comedy about a decade old that he loved. I hadn’t seen it before and really wouldn’t have chosen to watch on my own, but it sounded amusing enough to try for this experiment.

  The next hour and a half was us snickering and commenting on what was happening, and thoroughly enjoying ourselves. When it ended, he told me to pick the next one, and I chose a superhero movie that had recently been released, but I hadn’t seen yet. It wasn’t amazing, but it was better than some of the cookie-cutter stuff that had been coming out recently.

  After a few days of post-school movie viewing, I convinced him to watch one of my favorite spy TV series with me. He didn’t like the actor who played the main character, but I told him to give it just two episodes and if he still didn’t like it, we’d switch to something else. He agreed, and to his surprise – but not mine – he got into the show. Over the next week, we split our time between watching an episode or two a day and playing Shakara.

  It lasted until the day he got drunk again. It had been over a month since the last time, and I had actually been happy that he hadn’t felt the “need” to drink much.

  “Life sucks,” he mumbled almost as soon as we had gotten on Chatterbox together.

  “It’s not that bad,” I said, trying to comfort him. “Sure, shitty things are happening in the world right now, but day to day, it’s not that bad, is it?”

  “Blah. I’m so bored with life. Every day it’s the same thing, over and over.”

  I caught my breath. I knew this attitude. It was the one I dreaded most, and I knew our conversation could easily go downhill if I wasn’t careful with what I said next.

  “Well,” I responded slowly. “We can do something different today if you want.”

  “No, no, no, it’s not that. You’re fine. You’re great in fact. It’s the rest of the time, when you’re sleeping or at work or school. And I don’t have anything to doooo.” He drawled out the last word.

  “Sleep?” I said in a light, teasing tone.

  “Ya, sleep.” He grumbled. “Lots of sleep. And games and food and shows and nothing new or interesting.”

  I sighed. “I know the feeling. I’ve been there off and on, too.”

  “But this isn’t off and on!” He cried. “It’s all the time.”

  I didn’t know what to say so I sent him a hug emoji. “That’s about all I can do. I’m sorry things suck so much right now.”

  “You can’t really do anything, but thanks for caring.”

  This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

  It hurt to hear him like that, so much so that I almost wanted to cry in frustration at my inability to help. Instead I just sighed and said, “So, what do you want to do today?” and spent the next several hours playing the game since he didn’t think he could focus enough to pay attention to the show.

  The next day when I got home, he wasn’t online. I left a message, write when you get on! and spent the extra time finishing up a report for my Essay Techniques class and studying for my upcoming Portuguese exam. Fortunately, the end of the term was coming up in about a month, at which time I’d finally have a break from my hectic work-plus-school schedule. Maybe I’d even have time to visit my parents. They lived about a four hour drive away, and I hadn’t seen them since Christmas.

  When eleven o’clock rolled around that night and Mikeal still hadn’t gotten on, I sighed in disappointment and left another message. I missed you. Let me know when you get up. Love you. I couldn’t stay up any longer, I had to get at least some sleep, and I knew Mikael would understand.

  The next morning, there still wasn’t any message from him. I frowned and felt my stomach roil in worry. Hey, sup? Where you at, dude? I sent from my phone.

  It wasn’t until late that afternoon when I was heading across the school grounds on my way to class that I finally got a reply. Man, I slept like a baby! Best sleep I’ve had in months!

  I felt a mix between frustration and relief. Sup dude? Were you sleeping this whole time?

  Lol. Yeah, slept a whole 24 hours!

  I checked the time. It was just past 1:30 pm. It’s been more than 24 hours since we talked. It had in fact been a day and a half.

  Yeah. I didn’t go to bed right when you did. And I went to the store and got some food.

  I bit back what I wanted to write next. The messages had all come separately and by that I could tell he was getting irritated. So instead, I asked, how’d you manage to sleep that long?

  Sleeping pills, he replied.

  My throat worked like I wanted to say something but dared not. He wouldn’t hear me anyway. Sleeping pills and alcohol? Is that safe?

  Sure, dude! Would you stop worrying already? I’m fine!

  I sighed. Of course I’m going to worry about you. It’s not that often you don’t say much for a whole day.

  I don’t have to talk every day if I don’t want to. And you really shouldn’t worry all the time, it’s annoying.

  Uh oh. I knew it was time for me to stop, but I couldn’t. I felt a mix between anger at being told not to do something, anxiety that he might mix the wrong drugs and alcohol and never wake up, and frustration that he was pushing away my feelings again.

  I care about you. I love you. I’m going to worry when you start doing things that might be unsafe. I need to know what’s going on.

  You don’t need anything, he replied. If you want to worry about someone, go find someone else.

  I froze where I was, my chest going ice cold. Fortunately, I was in the college courtyard, where it didn’t look strange for me to stop and stare at my phone, as there were lots of students texting and talking between classes.

  Don’t say that. I don’t want to find someone else. I want you.

  We talk when you get home, was the reply. I swallowed hard. I knew something was seriously wrong when he started writing in broken English.

  Please don’t leave this in a fight, I hate it when I fight with people, I pleaded.

  We talk when you get home, he said again.

  Ok, I sent. I knew he wouldn’t say anything else now.

  Between then and the time I got home two and a half hours later, I’d calmed down enough to know I was probably being a little unreasonable and was ready to apologize. For what? I wasn’t quite sure. Pushing him, I supposed. Whatever it took to make things right for us again.

  You home yet? I got the message right as I walked in my apartment door.

  Just got home. Sup dude? I tried to play it cool.

  There was no response for a few minutes as I put away my school supplies and got out food for dinner.

  Then, I was thinking of what I could say to explain, but I thought maybe there’s no way to explain. It’s better if it just ends simply. I’m not the guy you think I am and I will never be that guy. You’re a wonderful girl and you’ll find someone who is right for you. Good luck with work and school, I know you will do great. Goodbye.

  And then he was gone from my Chatterbox friend list.

  I stood stunned, staring at the message. I couldn’t comprehend what I was reading. What do you mean, goodbye? I sent. Of course I knew what he meant, but it just wouldn’t register in my brain. Why would he leave? Mikael? Why did you say goodbye? Why are you leaving? Please answer me! I wasn’t angry anymore!

  Unless he had blocked me, I knew he would get the messages, but I never got a reply. Just an empty silence that I couldn’t make sense of. What happened? Why would he just end it so suddenly? We had been having a great few weeks, playing and watching the show together. Then out of nowhere, he’s… gone?

  I put my food in the fridge, unfinished. I wasn’t hungry anymore. I wasn’t anything. Except empty.

  Mentally, I logged the date. Wednesday, May 28. The day my world collapsed.

  Then the agony began.