Wait a minute. If I was actually dead and my brain was deactivated. I wouldn’t be able to think right now, would I?

  No.. no no, no, no no, oh fuck! Did I just do what Cade mentioned earlier and let him wire me? No- even worse, all my memories are gone. These were never memories at all were they? These periods of my life I thought I was recalling, that was just a warped perception of my life I had due to the drugs they had me on, wasn’t it? I felt like I was an outsider looking in, when I’ve been the goddamn subject I was observing all along. FUCK!

  …

  “Heha, good morning to you too. I guess Cade did a good job bringing you here, didn’t he? By the way, He doesn’t exist.” Ava teased, her soft face hovering a mere inch above mine. She had bright pink eyes, luscious black hair. God, the volume. So thick and smooth, not a single stray hair in sight, it almost glowed. Perfectly shaped eyebrows, thin, attentive- finely trimmed. Two silver rings on her right brow. Pearly white skin, not a hint of human tone left. The pure alien beauty of an albino goddess.

  So here I am, in her bed. Her bead is attached to the back of her neck, her lips brushing mine, her weight crushing me as she lays on me, but it’s nothing I’m not used to with what I wear every day. Her hand rubbed my cheek. It’s so cold. Yet I don’t want it to leave. I don’t want to leave. “I want to stay with you forever~” I murmur lovingly, my body overwhelmed with feeling so my mind cannot think.

  “You can! I’ll be with you forever. Don’t worry, I can see what you’re thinking, you don’t have to try to explain.” She assures me, wrapping her arms around my body, encased in metal. “You’re scared, but I won’t hurt you. Unless you want me to.” She invited me, swinging her hips on top of me, and claiming her seat. This warmth in my groin again, what is it?

  …

  What?

  …

  “R-really? You aren’t scared of me..? You don’t think I’m inhuman, or strange, or-”

  Her finger muted my lip. “I think you’re really cute, and smart, and you make me feel safe.” She praised, a grin crawling up her face as she watched my body relax, as she felt my mind give way to her every word.

  …

  Stop. Stop it. This isn’t something I want. I don’t even know what’s going on. Or where I am. I see bright lights, I see her face, I see her chest, I see her hands on mine, I see her lips moving as she speaks, I see her piercing pink eyes. Where am I in this picture?

  …

  “Hey.. hey wait. Where a-am I, if it’s okay to ask that?” I stutter, as I watch her face so closely, analysing it like a computer for the slightest hint of disapproval. Anything I could latch onto. I knew this wasn’t what I wanted. I know I could break through, I knew I could still choose. I just have to find my choice. I just have to last until it becomes clear. Until it becomes clear.

  …

  You know you’re going to hurt her. Regardless of how you do it. If you wait for your evidence that she isn’t what you want and then seperate from her, you’ll hurt her. And if you do it right now before you know, you’ll hurt her less. Why are you doing this?

  Because I’ve never felt accepted before.

  What about Adam?

  He was imaginary. What we had was a connection, and a crucial part of my life, Adam kept me mentally afloat when I was so alone and afraid.

  He hurt you too. You hurt him too.

  Who is Adam?

  He doesn’t matter anymore. You have someone who truly cares about you in your arms right now. You need to let yourself care about her in turn. It’s okay. It’s okay. It’s

  …

  “Hey, look. It’s fine. Look. I’m here now. I’m here. It’s okay.” She assured me, curling my head into her arms, into her chest.

  “W-where am I though?” I stammer again. God, her words of assurance feel so good. Why am I even asking where I am? I’m with her. That’s all that matters.

  “You’re in my house, my little Owl.” She assured me softly, stroking my sweat-knotted hair.

  “Where is cay, where is Cade?” I stammer. My breathing sped up, as I took in the scent of lavender. A black roof is above me, with LED strips stuck on. Controlled by the wires inside her body, commanded by her mind linked to them, just like mine.

  …

  Good god. Don’t you remember what the Obelisk said, what YOU also said?

  …

  “He doesn’t exist, remember?” She laughed it off, and pressed her face into mine, something wet from her lips dripped onto mine, something fleshy and moving- her tongue. It’s disgusting.

  “I spoke to the machine, using what I call, full conscience.” I repeated to her. The lustful gaze in her eyes contorted. “And I said, If you touch me again, I will stop pretending to be someone else. I will stop pretending to be the person you want me to be, and I will violate my own desires and wishes for the sake of personal growth.”

  Ava slowly moved her body off of mine. “I wasn’t lying to you, you know. About those Brighton wires of yours. Rejects inbound traffic like I reject men with good intentions.” She said in defeat, and slinked off me. She began sliding her black leggings back on, then pulled her black hoodie back over her noticeably large frame. I could have sworn she was smaller. Was she using cog art to slim herself down, or just change her bone structure?

  Wait. I know what cog art is? When did I learn that?

  …

  Deca Machina, what just happened to me?

  This period was an odd one. It seems I got disconnected from my past self for a moment, thanks to something taking over my neurological processes. Don’t worry. I’m back now. I hope I didn’t confuse you too much, you’re probably the only one following me in this deep after all.

  …

  With a sudden click, Cade is sitting in front of me again, hands wavering as he carefully moves back from me. “Dude, you’re in reality right? I gotta ask just to be safe. What’s my name? Where are you right now?” Cade questioned, staring at me intently.

  I coughed, and fell over staring at the table, my face an inch away from planting into it. “I’m in Deca Machina, at Zev’s, a local bar in District 9. I came here with the high profile criminal organisation known as The Scourge. You are Decade Gene, a cognitive arts dropout who is in a one sided open relationship with a third year cognitive arts student, Ava Frithia, of whom-”

  Cade shoved a hand over my mouth. “Good. Good, you know. Fuck.. I guess I do know a thing or two.”

  “Cade what did you do?” I press, bringing my arms up and comfortably leaning into the table. Sucks I can’t move my fingers though.

  “I wired you. Only way to do that to a Brighton wire is a direct connection to the access port. Blocks inbound traffic, so a physical connection to the internal system is the only way.” He explained. “So, do you know anything new?”

  My eyes widen behind the visor magnetically secured to my skull, with an electromagnet far too strong to be removed by anything of this world. I thought it was bolted into my skull before, but that wouldn’t really make sense. A spark of knowledge whittled across my brain. “I actually do. I can talk to any device with wireless capability using my thoughts. My thoughts translate to reality, like when I used it to dial with Shula’s phone.” A smile grew across my face the more I spoke. The more I normalised it.

  “Now I uh.. I got a big ask from you. I wanna unwire myself from Ava. But there’s only two ways to do that. Shut off the controller, or shut off the reciever. Our brains. Since you have a Brighton and all, something like a starry should be easy to shut off with a thought. It has division level clearance to the mindcloud network. You can shut her off for me right?” Cade pleaded. But he realises what he’s saying right? He’s asking me to kill her.

  “Cade,”

  “I know what you saw while you were wired to me. That’s what it’s like for me, man. At her command I become like that and there’s nothing I can do to stop her. This isn’t a relationship, it’s a dependency and she owns me.” He begged further, clasping his hands around each other. I had to. After living through that, I can’t imagine being subject to that. No, I can imagine it. And I hate it.

  “Alright Cade. I’ll do it. Even with the Brighton though, I need a frame of reference to know where she is and access something as complex as a wire.” I affirmed.

  “I’m gonna wire you again. You.. know how to get out of it now though. At the end there when you snapped out of it, your Brighton overloaded my bandwidth. Entire mindcloud database versus a subscription based low tier mindcloud service and a homemade wire, well…” He trailed off, as he pulled the bead out from his arm again, and attached it to my access port.

  …

  Disconnected again am I? Why do I always feel like I’m looking back, when I know damn well I’ve never left the presence? I’m not disconnected. I’ve always been me. Me is all I am.

  Ava is terrified.

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  …

  Hidden in the corner of the dance floor, masked by a cognitive veil. I felt her shudders as she watched her sister look in her direction, terrified she might know exactly where she was. Shula looked pissed. Ava could see why too, and without using cog assist. That poor girl wasn’t even trying to hit on Cade, she was just greeting him. And like always, Ava flew off the handle at the first sign she could lose something important. Because she’s never been important. And the moment she loses control over the things in her life, let’s be honest, the people in her life, let’s be more honest, her boyfriends, she won’t matter anymore. Because she’s only relevant if people have a reason to judge her, or a reason to start shit. She’s useless and outside of creating conflict has no real way to engage with the world. No passion. No curiosity. No knowledge. Just beliefs and grudges, fears and boundaries, she would probably kill herself if not for the things that make her feel relevant.

  “Ava.” I call quietly, “I can see you.”

  “Tedd?” She clambered.

  “Yeah. Ava. I uh… Cade told me some things about you. I need you to unwire him and let him go.” I ask nicely, stepping beside her as I speak. The disco lights shone through me of course, I’m not really there. I’m at a table with Cade, barely within sight of the dance floor.

  “No. And I’d suggest you stay out of my relationship. You’re inside my wire right now, I could cause you brain death from here.” Ava threatens, turning to face me directly. Only she saw people walking through me, and rays of light obscuring my figure. But my pale glowing eyes revealed themselves to her. She’s the first to see them.

  “Ava, you’ll hurt yourself if you do that. I’m giving you a chance. Come on-” an ear piercing ring cut me off, along with a bitter cold that shot through my nerves. My body stiffened up as if I were frozen solid, and it felt like I was too. Fine. I’ll let you see a bit of what goes on in my head, since you’re so eager to reveal how vile yours is without hesitation.

  Die.

  …

  I shrugged Cade off me, and the bead disconnected from my access port. I heard a couple screams from over by the dance floor, and someone shouting about someone bleeding from her nose and ears. I know what happened.

  I disrupted her wire, and it likely spiked her blood pressure and heart rate, perceiving it as imminent death. Her brain is shut off. Nothing left in it. Pray to Deca Machina her conscience is stored too, because that certainly wiped her memories. Only her wire would be able to turn it back on. Lucky for her, a wire can operate your vitals automatically. That part of your brain can’t be shut off by your wire, not any normal wire. Mine can, but that’s different.

  So she looks dead, but really, her conscience and most of her subconscious are shut off, with only life support systems online.

  A malicious smile rests upon my face. I had the power to spare her, and I tried to. She refused to comply, she refused to stop hurting him. She was incorrect, a defect that refused to remedy itself. So I made the logical decision. “I removed the defective conscience from society.”

  Standing over me were the faces of my friends, no doubt wondering-

  “I know you fucking did this shit.” Kiara spat, gripping the back of my head and lifting my hair up, revealing the cerebral access of my Brighton wire. “I know what the fuck this is too, I was banking you didn’t know what the hell it was or how to use it. That’s what we get for trusting you right?” She raved in an obviously false joy, hand twitching on the back of my head. She let go and stepped away from me, mumbling something to Shula as she walked past. Shula stood still over me. Her palms were bleeding. Demi had a hand on her shoulder, so did Balor. “The moment you step out of this building, Tedd. I am going to kill you.” She started coldly, tears fighting not to form. “So you better fucking run as fast as you can while these two are holding me.”

  Balor looked down at me with a crooked grin, overjoyed at this outcome clearly. “You should listen to her, Tedd.”

  I stood from my seat without speaking. My heart was racing, but it wasn’t anger or righteousness I felt. It all faded to guilt, fear, and pure humiliation. I had no right to even talk right now. Ava was in Shula’s arms, still dripping some blood and unconscious.

  Step by step I approached the exit, and with a swing the door opened before me. I left.

  …

  This is the turning point, I believe. The first time I hurt people I cared about, and the first time I hurt someone while in a sound state of mind. I can’t blame what I did to her on rage or panic. I did that knowing what would happen to Ava.

  In a previous period, I mentioned exploring myself in a way I was taught to never even think of, a taboo.

  This taboo is the capacity to feel anger, or malice, directed at someone other than myself. And past this point, that mental inhibitor is gone. So please don’t hold this against me. After all, I am only human, and I can only suppress it so long.

  …

  What happened to Ava? I can’t very well ignore her after what I did. And I know about my wire now. So I can probably spy on her mind or something, since she’s unconscious and all. Can’t reject a connection if she isn’t even awake to receive it.

  …

  This is going to need to stop. I’m losing access to my memories when this happens. I’ve managed to synchronize myself to the moment my conscience wires into another, so I can remain aware just long enough to know I’m about to lose sight.

  But who am I kidding. I’m lying to myself. Ava is what I need to focus on right now.

  …

  A bungalow with a black exterior. Weathered from the flood, but generally intact. On the interior, charred holes in the walls reveal all of the water pipes burst and had icicles forming below. Sealed beverages had cracked open from freezing. The ceilings and walls were charred, and all the highly flammable materials in the house had been burned considerably. Traces of my power lingered on the scene. Two bodies sat at a dining table, one a cold hearted nymph, the other a burning heart eating itself alive with its own bitter rage.

  Her house is destroyed, and she has no idea why. The walls and floors are burnt and charred pieces are still falling as she looks around. As if the house caught on fire, right? Then why can she see through the burned holes, burst pipes, and icicles hanging down from the underside? Her sister sat at the table opposite her.

  She can’t remember anything she said. The whole memory has faded. Everything but Shula’s disappointed glare. The resentment in her eyes. Her sister didn’t even want to speak to her. No, her sister wanted her to disappear. And she wanted to disappear too.

  I rest my chin on her head, pushing down her silky black hair. “Well, you got your wish. You disappeared, didn’t you? You’re brain dead. I’m the only thing keeping you alive right now.” I half tease, though I had to bite back tears. Dr. Brighton told me it’s best to laugh things off when something terrible happens. But I’m the only one laughing, because I won. I ended it. What kind of sick person enjoys this, the feeling of completely holding power over someone, and using it to judge them and punish them? If it were me, I would use this power to love someone.

  …

  Then why don’t you?

  …

  “Oh.” She dreaded. “It’s you. Tedd.”

  The moment she knew I was there, she left her little memory. The floor under my feet shifted into knee deep snow, the air conditioning sped up, until it picked up from a strong draft to a bitter gale, so cold I already felt my nose freezing and my lips cracking. The house around us crumbled down, charred walls and ceiling blowing away in the wind like snowflakes and revealing dark gray skies. Ava stood up from where she sat and turned around to face me with different eyes. Glowing, white, like polished titanium. “Disappear?” She laughed, and leaned into my face. “No. Look around you. I’m,” She breathes in deeply, a crazed grin slowly creeping up her cracked lips.

  “Everywhere!” Ava shouted into the blizzard, and thousands of eyes stared at me from the depths of the storm, each pair her own. My head ached, like they were all poking and prodding at me to learn everything and anything about me. My darkest secrets. My fears. My love life?

  I step forward, making contact with her. The moment my body touched hers, the eyes slammed shut, and the whirling snowflakes froze in time. “No. You’re here.” I stated, and let my head drop onto hers. It was warm, despite the snow weighing me down almost as much as my plates. “That starry of yours. You put an illegal module in it, didn’t you. That’s why your mind is covered in snow. You know this is stopping you from processing emotions properly, right?”

  Ava stepped back from me, and in her wake, a wall of dense snow rose up to block me from her vision. It multiplied itself, expanding left, right, and into the sky, until as far as I could see was a barrier between us.

  “Ava. Ava, listen to me.” I rest my head on the wall, squinting my eyes under my visor. It’s getting really cold. I don’t want her to die.

  Her mouth formed on the outside of the snowy wall. “I’m not going to die. I fucking know what the IC3QU33N module does, okay? Cade made it himself. He gave it to me before we were dating. Tedd, do you know how shitty my life was before this? I couldn’t even walk outside without feeling everyone’s eyes on me. Seeing how disgusting I was. Watching application after application get denied. Assignment after assignment, failed. Like the world is looking for a reason to push me away. Because I can’t fucking do anything right. I’m supposed to be smart and successful, my IQ is 35 points higher than my sister, and she actually graduated from Rex-U with a Level 1 Military Clearance for District 9. I was forecasted to get an Executive placement. By my third year, I still hadn’t even qualified for Workforce!” She vented. Her words drove nails into my mind one after another. None of this checks out.

  She sobbed, as droplets of ice formed around the wall between us. “But when I met Cade, when he gave me this, everything changed. I know why they hold me back. I know why they look at me that way. They’re afraid of me because I’m better. They don’t want ME to win.” She grimaced.

  My confused frown grew to an angered scowl, then my mouth opened slightly, then closed and my face was blank. My nose twitched. “What?” I ask plainly, having not understood anything she just told me.

  “Did you not hear a single thing I just said?” The mouth in the wall spoke dully.

  “No, I just… It’s really stupid. Why would people be disgusted looking at someone pretty and popular like you? Jealous maybe. And I know for a fact our education system is designed to help people succeed. If you’re having this level of difficulty, there’s an outside factor of some kind preventing you from giving school your attention. Ava. Is there something you aren’t quite telling me?” I prod, pressing my hand into the snowy wall before me.

  “No. There’s nothing else to it, Tedd. I know I’m the girl everyone wants gone. You can see it in their eyes, hear it in that fucking venom that laces their words when they speak to me.” She deadpanned.

  I felt something deep within my chest. A bitter pain, yet it was so warm. My eyes soften behind that visor of mine, and a feeling of complete warmth surges through me. I reach through her walls, and I touch her hand with the exterior of my wrist cage. “I don’t want you gone, Ava.” I spoke truthfully.

  What just happened to me? Cade told me exactly who she is. She hurt him. She cut him. She wired him, and he doesn’t have a way out. He’s the victim here. She hurt him. But he let her hurt him, right? And he’s not stopping her either. Why isn’t he stopping her? He made the “IC3QU33N” module and put it in her wire, and also let her wire him. Why is it starting to sound like there’s so much more to this story than I’ve been told?

  I don’t think she’s really the one at fault here.

  There are people in the world who will say they feel scared, people who will say they feel hated, and people who say they feel misunderstood to mask the fact that they just want attention.

  Or are there? Do they just want attention, or is their problem simply too complex for you to understand? Is wanting attention the only way you can process it without going insane from trying to unpack it all?

  I watched as my thoughts bled into her, and the snowy wall came crumbling down. And just like a TV shutting off, I was blinded by a brief blip of light, before it went black.

  …

  Disconnected again, but now I’m back, as predicted. I’ve found a way to maintain full awareness of when I disconnect and reconnect, and retain knowledge of events in between.

  Think of it like this.

  My connecting to my past to relive my life is like me joining someone else’s game, and controlling their avatar. Whenever the connection gets cut, their avatar is all that’s left, and I’m not in the picture anymore.

  So I went a step higher. I hosted the game itself. Both the avatar and my connection to it now run directly through me.

  In other words, I’ve disconnected my conscience from spacetime, and now I can see the whole continuum like a cosmic flow chart, except the flow chart is a hyperrealistic series of memories and I can barely tell whether I am remembering the past or living in the present. At least I can see ALL of it now. I didn’t want to resort to this, but I desperately need to understand.

  Why did I die so young?

  But that’s so bullshit, right. I’m still alive. I’m telling you this story. Right? Then again, it ends the moment you stop reading, and so do I, and all I’ll ever stand for.

  …