"Human, I require your assistance!"

  "Human? Wait what? Who said that?"

  "Down here."

  "Down...here? There's no one there, just a cat. Who's talking? How did you get in my house?! Show yourself before I call the police!"

  *frantic dialing of a phone*

  "Wait wha—my phone!"

  *sound of something roughly the size and shape of a smartphone being crushed into a pebble*

  "Stop playing with your silly toys and attend me human."

  "Attend who?!"

  "I said down here. Attend me before I start bugging you."

  "The... cat?"

  "You clearly aren't as smart as my kitten."

  "You're a talking cat!"

  "Are you broken human? Do you require healing? Have some soup."

  "Why is there a tal—" *gurgling and choking noises*

  "You're supposed to drink the soup not breathe it, stupid human."

  *more choking noises*

  "You really need to train your MIND stat. I said to drink the soup."

  *gagging and loud gulping noises followed by gasping*

  "That's better."

  "What... *retching* was *gagging* that?! *burp*"

  "Soup. The best kind of soup. Very nutritious and packed with mana. You will attend me and spread its glory to this planet called Dirt."

  "Soup—did you just call Earth 'Dirt'?!"

  "I agree it is a stupid name for a planet, but you foolish humans named it. Your collective MIND scores here must be pathetic."

  "That's not our planet's name!"

  "Oh? Then the System is wrong and requires an update. It happens with these backwards Tier 0 planets sometimes. What is the correct name?"

  "What system? Tier 0?"

  "Your planet's name is What System Tier 0? I fear for the collective intelligence of this planet's sentients. You need my help more than I thought."

  "No! Our planet's name is Earth!"

  "Earth is just as stupid of a name for a planet as Dirt. It's the same thing."

  "Why am I trying to explain this to a cat! Why can a cat talk! Your lips aren't even moving!"

  "Magic, stupid human. Keep up. I know your MIND stat is pathetic but even my kitten could understand such simple things when she was freshly born. It's strange, the soup should've fixed your brain by now."

  "Fixed my— *screaming*"

  "WHAT IS THIS SCREEN?!"

  "For some reason you didn't connect to the universal System, so I fixed that for you. Just needed a nice bit of mana to start things up, and a bit of healing to stop your head from exploding,"

  "My head's going to explode?!"

  "I said I stopped it from happening. You really need to train your MIND score. Have you tried reading?"

  "I. What. Huh?!"

  *sound of someone collapsing into a chair and sobbing*

  "What is all of this?! Did I finally lose my mind?!"

  "You clearly have a MIND stat of 7. Bit low for a level 1 but you definitely didn't lose any of your stats. You're just naturally kind of dumb."

  You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

  "You know what? I must be insane. I give up. I'm just sitting here in my pajamas and talking to a random magic cat that made a video game screen pop up in my eye and fed me strange soup after a ghost crushed my phone! Yup! Definitely just a normal day! Just me, my crazy self, and a figment of my imagi—OH GOD WHY IS THERE A GIANT SPIDER IN HERE WHAT THE FU—"

  *hissing*

  *screaming and the sound of glass and wood breaking* *loud thumps followed by a crack and a splatter*

  "DIE. *loud grunt followed by squishing sound* YOU. *more squishing* FUCKING. *even more squishing* SPIDER. *even more squishing* FREAK!" *sobbing*

  "Well done stupid human, you leveled up."

  *more sobbing*

  "Stupid human?"

  *sobbing mixed with manic laughter* "I've gone insane! Definitely insane! Only reason there's a giant dead spider the size of a cow where my coffee table used to be! I'm a video game character now! An insane one! A level 9 crazy person! Hahahahahahaha!"

  "I think you need more soup stupid human." *choking and gagging sounds*

  *some time later*

  "Okay! Okay! I'll help you! What do you want you crazy cat?!"

  "Excuse me?"

  "I-I mean, how may I serve you, Mistress Shiori?"

  "Better, stupid human."

  "My name is—"

  "Stupid human."

  "I-yes. Stupid human. That's my name. Right. What can I do for you?"

  "I have come here to share a wonderful gift to uplift this world."

  "G-gift? More of this l-leveling and g-giant bugs?"

  "No, stupid human. Most don't care for giant bugs. That would be a terrible gift. I'm not sure your MIND stat is high enough yet. Perhaps you require more leveling?"

  *more screaming and crashing and squishing sounds*

  "WHERE ARE THESE GIANT BUGS EVEN COMING FROM?!"

  "Congratulations on leveling, stupid human, now listen, because this is taking far more time than I want. I have to get back to my precious kitten."

  "..."

  "I have come to share the wonderous gift of soup. I hear you have this wonderous thing called the 'internet.' You will share my recipe with your primitive world and begin walking the Path. You may celebrate my generosity now."

  *somehow the sound of a poor human's soul twitching*

  "Of course it's soup..."

  Ingredients:

  Stock:

  4 lbs dragon bones ("D-dragons?! Like the giant fire-breathing flying lizard calamities? Those dragons?!" "Yes, but they're not that tough. A good swipe to the snout and they go from screaming they're the strongest to a blubbering mountain of meat." "I don't think we have dragons on this planet." "Well then use chickens, but you'll lose most of the mana.")

  1 medium sized onion, roughly chopped

  4 cloves of Vitality Garlic, smashed ("Uh... I don't think we have anything called 'Vitality Garlic'..." "How can a planet not have Vitality Garlic? It's one of the most common magical plants in cultivation." "I don't think we have magic." "Pathetic. Use regular garlic then.")

  Purified Life Infused Water ("Uh..." "You don't have this either do you?" "...no..." "Then just use regular water. At this rate you'll just have a tasty soup instead of a magic one."

  Salt, as desired

  Soup:

  8 cups of prepared stock

  2 lbs Dragon (chicken) thigh meat ("Maybe I should bring some dragons to Dirt." "Please don't.")

  3 tbsp vegetable oil

  4 ounces of nishime konbu (soaked, tied in knots, cut between knots) ("I'm not sure if we have this... let me check." *typing sounds* "Oh! We do. It's some kind of Japanese dried seaweed thing?" "Yes stupid human, konbu is some kind of 'dried seaweed thing.' You should specify konbu harvested from mana wells or oceanic dungeons." "Uh..." "You don't have those either do you?" "N-no..." "Pathetic.")

  12 dried Drake's Eye (Shiitake) Mushrooms (soaked, liquid reserved, stems removed, cut in half) ("Uh..." "You don't have these either do you?" "No." "Dirt sucks." "Yes. Yes it does." *sound of a plastic bag falling on a stupid human's head* "Hey!" "Just use whatever mushroom that is." "Dried Shiitake Mushrooms? Where'd you get this from?!" "You have a store full of food a few blocks away. They have a bunch of these packets there." "You stole them?!" "Of course not human, I'm not a savage. I left a pile of gold with the shop attendant. That should be more than enough." *muttering* "I should just stop talking back..." "Your diversions are wasting much time, stupid human.")

  1 lb mana-infused bamboo shoots (just use 2 cans of the normal stuff instead of whatever the crazy cat's making me write) cut into 1 1/2-inch pieces ("..." "If you tell me you don't have this either, I'm importing dragons to improve Dirt." "It's not Dirt!")

  8 oz of aburage (fried tofu) cut into bite size pieces ("They should get it from Inari. Her's is the best." "Who's Inari?" "Never mind, just write stupid human.")

  3 medium Soul Carrots (Just use regular ones) peeled and sliced into 1 1/2-inch pieces

  1 lb Lightning Daikon (regular ones are fine) peeled and sliced into 1 1/2-inch pieces ("Uh..." "What now stupid human?" "Our plants aren't electrified." "Of course they are. Your planet has power plants. The System said so." "They're not that kind of plant." "This planet is stupid.")

  1 large Life Lotus root, peeled and sliced into 1/4 inch thick slices ("Your changes are taking all the magic out of my soup, stupid human." "We don't have this magic you keep talking about!" "Well then hurry up and start trading with some magical worlds and import some." "Magical worlds?! You're an alien?!" "No, I'm a cat, stupid human. I know your MIND stat is low, but you're even stupider than your stats indicate. Maybe you should stop looking at all those pictures of naked humans and read more." "W-What?!" "My kitten also blushes like that when she sees her roommate naked, but she's clearly smarter than you. Probably because she actually reads instead of staring at naked people all day.")

  2 cups mushroom liquid

  1 cup dark soy sauce

  1/2 cup sugar, as desired

  4 cloves of Vitality Garlic (Just use regular garlic)

  1/8 cup grated fresh ginger (the crazy cat gave me another strange magic name but I'm not going to bother since we definitely don't have it.)

  Salt as needed

  Prepare your stock: In a large stock pot, add all ingredients, cover with water, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium and simmer for 4 hours. Strain before using.

  Prepare your vegetables as directed above and set aside.

  Lightly salt your Dragon (or chicken) thigh meat. In a large pot, heat oil and fry your Dragon (or chicken) thighs until lightly browned, then add prepared soup stock, mushroom liquid, garlic, and ginger. Bring to a boil.

  Reduce heat to medium and add mushrooms, konbu, and bamboo shoots. Cover and cook for 10 minutes.

  Add soy sauce, sugar (if you want it sweeter, can omit), carrots, daikon, and lotus root. Cover and cook 15 minutes.

  Add aburage. Cover and cook 15 minutes.

  Serve immediately.

  Good with rice or noodles and best enjoyed sitting on the local dragon's hoard.

  https://www.patreon.com/NekoSaigai