~ Split Of… Personality ~

  Chapter Two

  “Dark Night Of The Soul”

  by

  Qahnareen

  D’automne Dragon

  *

  Christian Larsson - "Moonlight" (cover)

  *

  # 1

  26.12.2021

  NOBODY SEES ANYTHING

  I've analyzed my dreams, which splitted my personality into layers; self-knowledge (the dream with book writing) and empathy/soul (the dream with a lake). It showed that I can see a path and I do have some point I'm aiming for, but cannot achieve it with both knowledge and emotions; everything meets some problem on its path...

  I know where the problem is. I will not write about it now, because the sources of my problems are not something that I would like to disclose yet. But I’ve found them, found the causes. I know the consequences.

  I had been hiding many things from myself before, but that mask has quickly cracked. Now I'm honest with myself. I’ve already gotten to the bottom of my problem and I know it’s very bad and that I’m not doing very well internally. Why am I writing this? Diary? Anyway, not to feel sorry for myself and not to beg for compassion. I want to achieve something.

  "THIS IS A FATAL DISEASE."

  "YOUR PSYCHE IS IN BAD CONDITION."

  This shows up when I search for information about myself and my dreams.

  This year has killed almost everything in me. Everything I do, I do completely beyond the knowledge of others. My outer self is a gray man who can even smile from time to time. Insincere, I detest him. Contempt. What's left of me? Emptiness. All my life is an inner personality, hidden from everyone. From the outside, there is only a mask. My mask already has a permanent crack. Not by my choice.

  I remember those moments when someone pointed out my strange behavior, that I listen to sad music, that I publish dark and sad, black and white photos, (once they were full of colors). Constantly at work, they notice that I’m weirdly quiet, they see that I have a problem talking to someone, and asking for help is something that... my creative side has no reference to. I prefer to lose, give up.

  << 25.12.2021

  CHRISTMAS EVE

  Once upon a time, I was waiting impatiently for this day...

  From 5 am to 5:30 pm on the job. Again, I didn't even take any food with me, which has been repeated probably for the second month.

  I've discovered how weak I’m physically.

  Malnutrition is not healthy. However, one meal a day is not enough. Years of depression aren't very healthy. However, I’ve lost a little weight. But nobody sees anything.

  At work, 11 hours of driving, without a word. Music on the ears to drown out the thoughts. Eyes wet a few times, but no one saw it. I went back to listening to the music I liked a few years ago, Stratovarius, Wardruna, Omnia, Alestorm, Korpiklaani, Chris Stapleton, etc. Reading a story in the breaks calmed my head a bit, I even smiled a few times.

  I got back from work at 5:30 pm, no hurry at all. I washed my face, trying to hide my bloodshot eyes. But no one saw it. At home, me, two people, and pretending a family. Only my mother tried to keep any Christmas traditions; she has decorated the tree herself, prepared the food herself. She shouldn't have been doing it alone! It broke my sympathy. But no one saw it.

  Dinner without a word. The TV is on. Silence. Comfortable mask, cracked, stone face. Screaming subconscious, itchy to talk, but I couldn't say anything, nothing at all.

  So close to crumble, but here was an obstacle. Fear and not seeing the point in improving my situation. I see other people's problems, in my mask, I don't see those of mine.

  As every year, I explained why I don't pray (prayer before the meal) - I don't believe - since when? - since always... Every year the same. Ridiculed, not accepted. Do you think they are Christians? Nope. Not at all. They just play that role out of hypocrisy, for ego protection. I hate such hypocrisy. I had a modest meal with almost no feeling of hunger and went to my room with a sense of guilt. Guilt at myself.

  Spent the rest of the day preparing the second part of my story for publication. These words had been in the written sketch since spring. It turned out that on the day of the planned publication, my creativity decided to edit the document, so I had a lot of work... A terrible language barrier.

  I don't speak human.

  I didn't go to bed until 1:30 am. My subconscious was furious with me. If I could be split into two people, one would have stabbed the other with a knife through the heart. I hate myself.

  26.12.2021

  FIRST DAY OF CHRISTMAS

  In the years before, actually, what I missed most was Christmas food. I didn't even care about it this time… Anything thrown on a plate to eat something. I went to work at noon. Fortunately, this year I managed to get the working days on Christmas, not to spend time at ‘home’. I read another piece of the story again, went back to listening to music that I hadn't heard in a while. This day was more peaceful.

  Malfunction. I didn’t get the bus that I drive on a daily basis, which was sad for me, because I like my machine and take care of it as much as I can, despite the fact that it is actually a 20-year-old piece of scrap with a mileage of well over a million kilometers. However, it didn't have much of an impact on my well-being.

  After all, there were tears in my eyes again. But no one saw anything.

  Finished my shift after 8 pm and this is where a little hell started. Misunderstanding. A simple misunderstanding and someone's overly emotional response that tried so much to shatter my cold mask. I was struck by a wave of negative words and emotions, although I tried my best. But no one sees it.

  He called me, under the pretense of explaining something to me - I went, not knowing what it was about, I thought that explaining some technical matters... I was just tricked, he just dragged me into a lion's den and ended up getting a terrible negativity where I was cornered like a child and pelted with negativity that I couldn't defend myself from. Like a child. The moment my life was falling apart, it was strong, it was the thing that hit the sensitive spots.

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  I hesitated for a long time whether to break my mask in front of this person, or to say something...

  I didn’t do anything.

  Who is interested in my problems?

  I really wanted to cry and say that I don't want to live anymore. Wanted to admit to being depressed. Just didn't understand how it could be that everything is falling apart everywhere. And on top of that, I was treated badly by someone who was just going to be back home to their family for a normal Christmas soon... It was a pain.

  I locked everything inside.

  They can't see anything.

  Where's my assertiveness? There is no such thing. It’s dead. Contact with people is very difficult for me, especially with people who say that I ‘let them down and destroyed them Christmas’ - because that was what this person said to me in a rush of emotions. The case was trivial, very trivial. A simple misunderstanding. It's been a long time since I've been treated so negatively. (Well, at least when it comes to people other than my parent.)

  A simple misunderstanding. Even though it wasn't entirely my fault, I apologized several times - I normally avoid it and don't do it so I did it with a lot of difficulty… but it meant nothing to this other person, which was very negative for me. Too much. The worst part was that he was the person I thought I would have a good relationship with because he seemed like a positive person.

  ‘Slam of the door’.

  End.

  Never again.

  Deletion of this person.

  Avoidance.

  Wonderful day.

  I've discovered how mentally weak I was.

  I got on the bus and drove out of the workshop where this little hell was going on. This person was closing the gate, and I, with wet eyes, avoided contact, of any kind.

  I don't know what I was at that moment.

  I went to the car, which was all frozen.

  I was scraping the ice off the windows, but my head and my insides no longer existed.

  Got into the car, physically cold, mentally frozen.

  Beyond the sight of others, my mask shattered.

  It was supposed to be a different day, seemingly so calmly began. Instead of going home, I sat for a while with tears in my eyes.

  I wanted so badly to cry, but I couldn't, still hesitating to go back to this man and try to explain myself further?

  For what?

  I started the car and very slowly passed the building in which the unpleasant thing had happened.

  And drove on.

  Suddenly a strange thing happened…

  Instead of driving towards home, I turned the other way…

  Why?

  Driving the other way, over the railroad tracks. Went to the city center, just drove around the city pointlessly for a while, trying to extinguish...

  In fact, it was more an emptiness than emotions.

  I really didn't want to go home.

  The voice for not going home was strong.

  …

  I got back an hour later than I should have been. About ten o'clock at night.

  It turned out that my sister and her husband had come and they were waiting for me. I didn't know about it. (Mental return to that earlier dream.) I felt that I had let someone down again. Guilt is something that burns me out every day, that day has already reached its limit. Because I knew that I would let myself down.

  I greeted them and ran to the bathroom to bathe.

  The bath was long…

  because I preferred to sit in the bathtub, completely broken…

  But no one saw it.

  I was slowly putting my mask back together, sloppy now, made of broken pieces. 11 o'clock at night. We sat in one room for a while. Me as my outer self. Insincere, I detest him. Contempt.

  My inner self fought against me but couldn't win. With difficulty, but I managed to tell the rudimentary information about my dreams because my sister started the topic. So close to say more, to say what my subconscious was begging for - it couldn't win against me...

  I let myself down. Feeling guilty for myself...

  *

  27.12.2021

  This morning one parent went to work and the family had a serious conversation about various issues. Without me. I just was lying in bed and listening, envying their freedom to express themselves on a variety of topics. My sister wasn’t afraid to talk about anything, talking directly about the problems of that parent, about how traumatic what was happening, but she also didn’t mention her feelings, but at least helped my mother a little. I was just gathering information, analyzing what they say... Typical INTP - I silently laughed to myself.

  I could join the conversation, but I know I wouldn't add anything significant, just my mask would be broken…

  I definitely let myself down.

  There were tears again. I was in bed. But no one saw anything, at all. I knew that my unconscious mind would be furious with me because it was a moment that could change a lot, but I didn't do anything. I locked everything in myself. Cause they can't see nothing.

  Nothing at all…

  *

  The Witcher 3 - Crow's Perch: Botchling Scene

  - “There is one thing you need. A push from the people that you trusted the most. You have reached the point where you cannot continue by yourself, and your emotions welling up underneath are starting to overtake you. You have to let your guard down, picking a chance to talk with them in private and let everything out. The chances do not last forever.”

  - “It just looked like I had missed this last chance.

  Emotions desperately want to do this,

  but knowledge knows the truth...

  And here is the biggest problem.

  These people are also one of the sources of my problems.

  A completely black script.

  It's even hard for me to write it in the story.

  It is difficult to even figure it out in my mind.

  I've understood what I had lived in forever.

  These people pushed me forward and down at the same time.

  Recently only down, very down.

  ‘You cannot continue by yourself’

  I have been to this place many times.

  Each time there was a knife in my heart,

  but I was coping somehow,

  I was running away, unaware of how I fell.

  And I didn't know that I had stuck so many knives into myself.

  Now I know when I fell and I have nowhere to run away. (Only art.)

  And now I’m completely alone with the knives. This is probably the war scene in my story. But I started using them as a tool because I saw that the knife on the other side wasn’t sharp, I just haven't been successful lately.

  I cut my way to art, but also hurt myself badly again. Everything I found was too scary, I had fallen really hard in the last two weeks. This is what I meant when I wrote about winter... It's just that this year is a bit more difficult.

  In addition, the real hell is yet to come.

  I’m not asking for help because I know that I will get to know the sharp side of the knife again, and it may already be too much. There is an internal war going on all the time, and there are too many dead already. Bad interference by a third person will determine the fate.

  The only people who could reach out to me need help themselves, and I can't help them because I'm stuck in my problems. And at the same time, I can't think of myself. And at the same time I feel my guilt and see their guilt. Nobody reaches out to me until something happens. It has always been like that.

  I think the dragon wrote a lot here. I had two sentences in my plans.”

  - “There is always a way out. It all comes down to your willpower. I had lost my direction before, with internal emotional turmoil so deep that no one will ever understand.

  This stage is the "dark night of the soul" with you at your absolute worst, an existential crisis waiting for you to overcome. If you overcome your worst, you will rise back up as a better person.

  Your dragon wants you to overcome it, hence telling the truth instead of holding back. You can progress slowly with your spirit moving you, but never give up. You have to redeem your past.”

  *

  Dark Night of the Soul

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