Chapter One # 3

  Next day, next test. Closer to the truth?

  ~ Turbulent and Paradox ~

  30.11.2021

  MBTI

  THE SECOND ENCOUNTER

  “Turbulent”

  *

  Another test today. My general personality type is;

  Logician

  INTP-T

  I - 100%

  N - 62%

  T - 65%

  P - 69%

  T - 75%

  “Constant Improvers tend to be sensitive and introspective. They are often deep individuals who enjoy having their own space and freedom. In general, these personality types feel more comfortable on their own than mixed up in the judgment of the real world.

  This may be because they share the two personality traits most representative of sensitivity to their environment - Introversion and Turbulence. As a result, they may find it stressful to deal with tense environments or new situations. In these moments, Constant Improvers can be deeply uncomfortable - although they may not want to let on how they really feel. In reaction, these personalities might retreat inward, react defensively, or try to escape the situation altogether. Alternatively, they might give up their own wants or needs in an effort to keep the peace.

  Constant Improvers tend to experience self-doubt. They have a strong drive, but it comes paired with a strong fear of failure. These personality types invest a great deal of their identity in their successes. As a result, even a minor misstep or embarrassment can be crushing.”

  Some very important things and a summary of what my life is like. My depression is just an increase in these traits.

  I’ve transferred a lot of dark energy into the written word, into passion, into art and there I found a substitute for peace, my escape, satisfaction. And an unhealthy preoccupation with details. But not into happiness.

  *

  "You are much more negative than you think."

  Mentally returned to those words of the Weevern. A long moment of silence has passed since my last words, so I’ve already thought about a few things about my personal perception.

  - “It is like the price, for some it is high, for others it is low. (Although I don’t know what the product is or what the price/quality ratio is... (I think, I think too deeply.))

  Human is a beast that can get used to the worst conditions.

  For me, the everyday reality is complete closure. For another person this state in itself would be hell. So if my condition becomes worse than my daily condition, it's hard to compare.”

  The wyvern suddenly appeared as if it had literally stepped out of the shadow. - “I understand. I suffered through the same situation too. I hated the people around me too, but I kept moving on. I was immune to the negatives, but I became empty within before completely going against my entire life.

  Everyone around asked about my condition, people noticed that I'm not doing well. I was stuck in this endless loop of being in service for others, while the things I liked were taken from me one by one.

  The only thing I replied everytime was "I'm OK". When I returned home, it was already too late. I was already an empty shell, with no soul. Nothing interests me. The environment was better at home, but I got worse rather than improving. I couldn't smile or cry at all.

  There was one thing that I couldn't look at. Myself. I looked at the mirror, and I don't recognise who was there. I struggled with my identity all life, but it was never as bad as this. The worst of all, I did not know what I was doing.

  I lost my ability to question. I could only say "I'm fine". I started indulging in adult content and extreme violence, destroying my body in the process. That was my shadow taking over as a demon.

  I completely went against all my morals constructed all life, beginning with making my profile HERE. That's when I have tripped the last straw, and realised that I wasn't myself after finishing a story series of adult content. It became my worst mental struggle all life.

  Sometimes we just have to look in the opposite direction of things we normally face. Like crossing endless 2-way roads with no markings, we have to look on both sides. Focus too much on one, you will get hit from the other. Everything needs a balance.”

  - “I see formulas, repetitive themes, the same mistakes people fall into, and I immerse myself in it. As if my path led into the worst shadow, so that it would be another experience to draw conclusions. It's kind of like a path to forbidden knowledge, and I'm trying to turn it into logic.

  As if I found a passion for throwing human behavior and emotions into theories and concepts in a psychology that becomes assimilable with previously formed images of intuition and inner conversation.

  I ‘get infected’ easily with passion. It is enough for someone to present something appropriately and the greed of my dragon is already here. You can't fool the draconic nature - he wants to collect treasures, and throw them into his library.

  I still see more than one road, but it's a very dynamic situation… I don't have a good comparison, it's like the Grand Staircase in Hogwarts. Nothing is stable.”

  Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

  - “Use your drive to observe your power. Use your darkness as your strength, use your mistakes as lessons and wisdom. Embrace them as a part of you. Your dragon wants to collect treasures that are meaningful, not meaningless trash like the baddies outside.

  You can build a great library of wisdom. You should never only see a road, but a great expanse to explore. An expanse with unlimited possibilities. Plenty of trinkets outside with meanings yet to be discovered and added to your library.

  There is no need to follow a path like I do here. You desire FREEDOM like I do. Your dragon only wants you to move on. Stagnation only means ruin for us that fly. I have willingly offered sacrifices for the freedom, but I do not regret it. I can always redeem myself with my partner, which is already progressing. (Me'Zelf speaking.)”

  - “And not get lost along this path…” My dragon wanted to give a high-five in accord with these words… but where the hell are your forepaws… Weevern…

  *

  3.12.2021

  I'm here again... 5 hours of sleep again, 12 hours of work. It was a terrible day again… And this is a strange journal…

  “Paradox”

  I used this word about a year ago to describe the old dragon in my story. It was something that just described all his life desires… If I had understood it then…

  ‘I feel that I’m gathering knowledge. My self-knowledge. I can see the progress. I understand more… I…’ I know, the Dunning-Kruger effect is at work - this trap keeps catching me.

  Now that I know the meaning of the old dragon in my story, one of the many veils of secrecy has fallen. It wasn't easy, but became laughably obvious right away, especially since the dragon has been dead since the beginning of the story… Understanding should bring peace, and it brought a state of dread that I cannot explain.

  It was the same when I saw the next test results where my introversion hit 100% and the turbulent level - the terrifying red bar - got longer. This is my familiar state of dread when I do something against myself. This is now while I’m writing this and in the thought that I'll post it…

  At work… I ‘talked’ a lot today without meeting anybody at all. Began to understand what my Shadow is. And my "Library". A library that, in a sense, is a living entity… (Wow, that's a horror scenario).

  …The shadow side is the dragon and the inner world. The dragon and his library. Subconscious gathering of information, data processing.

  It's his personality and the inner world. I began to understand who the ‘chocolate dragon’ is…

  Does he have his own Inner Hatchling? Does he have his own Shadow?

  Endless layers, universe locked in personality… My head is splitting.

  headexplode.gif

  XD

  Yesterday's events pushed some ideas forward, some reasons to be satisfied, but the source of this state was…

  << 2.12.2021

  writing, writing, and more… thinking…

  Another dark moment, not the worst I know, but it awoke a very bad emotion, rage.

  I’m writing this to remember, but I’m missing a lot of things here.

  Again, my typing speed has dropped significantly, and my thinking speed has increased. A lot of ideas were pulled from the dark moment, like I was drawing power from ‘black magic’, bad power… but that was yesterday.

  >> I'm here again… 3.12.2021

  Today is another day, two days of "off" are ahead of me.

  The most satisfying ideas come from the darkest darkness, or when I have no way of writing them down! (At work). Being a driver gives a lot of time to think, but doesn't give me time to write… This is real hell for my philosophical confusions! XD

  How many thoughts have escaped, how many words are unwritten, and maybe they were very important?

  Today I really sat for 12 hours at work, with my own head only, I didn't even take my food with me, I didn't even feel hungry. I always have headphones on to drown out a bit of my thoughts. Today the music was too tiring and interfered with streams of understanding and philosophical nonsense that can be even funny at times…

  *

  # 4

  PatternShift - In the Dark of Winter

  >> 3,4,5,6…

  THE FIRST SNOWS!

  7.12.2021

  Snowflakes are like scales for the world's problems

  Winter is for me the time of the greatest extremes, the best and worst memories, the warmest and coldest moments. Contrast. Just black and white, physically and mentally. This December has caught up with me like no other before. - I mean the passage of time; I lost my sense of...

  It was snowing a few days ago. I think everyone knows how much joy it brings to children. A joy that has never been taken from me. A warm jacket, scarf, cap, I hide myself under it, but unlike other ‘boring adults’, I enjoy the snow like a child.

  I don’t complain about the fact that it’s slippery, I don’t complain about the need to scrape the windows in the car... I do it every morning on the bus when necessary, and the windows are bigger there. I don't show it externally, but my dragon dives in the snow and walks happily, looking at the cascades of falling snowflakes. And despite everything, he’s very happy to see the Christmas decorations.

  Snow has become an important part of my story, yes, winter will finally come there. In my world it's long and always full of snow; there’s nothing worse than a winter without snow! This is my canvas, my piece of paper, a void that I fill with my imagination. The whole world is covered with white; trees, roofs, caps and hoods of sad people, the forests are the most beautiful. It brings peace. It’s a symbol of the cycle. The world of imagination also goes through cycles of purification. Snow is like an eraser for a pencil. It's a time when all time and the whole world freezes and waits…

  Waiting for the colors of spring.

  I’ve found this kind of reference to snow, that's why Wilds’ stories were very positive for me. And despite everything, I’m… quite pleased to see the Christmas decorations.

  I just love snow, winter, always. White flakes falling from the sky. Actually, it's a sad time, a short day, everything is mostly gray, and as for falling, I think I have something to do with snow as well.

  The other side of the coin; Christmas. With my personality it has always been very difficult, but when I was little I waited impatiently for it, now I hardly believe that another year has passed… I'm not a believer (my other ‘difference’), actually I was never a believer, I denied it when I was little; since then, unlike my family, I haven't celebrated Christmas. For me it was meetings with my family, decorating the Christmas tree. Now everything is broken… Fortunately, I got long shifts at work for these ‘holy’ days, but please understand that I will meet dozens of people saying ‘happy Christmas’ and I will be going mad internally.

  *

  To be continued...