Alexios

  Arun checks on me constantly through my haze of sickness, begging for me to eat something and drink what little water I can, even though my throat feels like it’s burnt raw. Every now and then, Je Suis visits too, carrying various vials of medicine and fussing over me as if I’m nothing more than a toddler. Truthfully, I just want to be left alone for longer than an hour.

  I’m grateful for them both, of course. But I am not foolish. This cannot be fixed by any “miracle” cure Je Suis brings or by the coolness of Arun’s hands gently trotting down my back.

  It is the queen. I know it is. I can feel her just at the edge of my mind, only being confirmed when a shadow flashes against the wall when neither Arun nor Je Suis are looking. For almost two months, I have been poisoned from the inside out with my strength deteriorating rapidly. She burns through my body, no doubt enjoying how the blood seeps from my nose and ears.

  If this is her way of making me choose between her and Arun… I’ll let her break me instead of touching him.

  The sheets are damp with sweat, my breath too shallow. When Arun peeks in to check on me, softly whispering my name to see if I’m asleep, I keep my eyes closed. If the queen won’t allow me to confess to Arun… I don’t want to be obedient to her anymore.

  Though I feel as if I’m on fire internally, a chill runs down my spine regardless. I know she’s here, watching me somehow, so I squeeze my eyes shut and turn my face into my pillow to see if it’s enough to take an edge of pain away.

  It isn’t. The pain is worse now than ever before.

  He wouldn’t harm you, I think to her. Arun would never tell a soul. He is innocent, you know this.

  He could never harm me, Alexios. This is no longer about your pretty devil.

  This is about you. This is about how you have failed me time and time again, refusing contracts… refusing me. Directing me as if I am bound to you.

  I cannot allow this to persist.

  My body seizes instantly as a searing pain flashes just behind my eyes. I choke my tears back as best as I can as the soft creak of Arun’s footsteps sound just beyond the bedroom, but I feel too heavy now to move when the door opens.

  “Alexios?” Arun says, voice cracking as he steps quietly towards the bed. “Je Suis and I are terrified. I know you’re tired, but please… talk to us.”

  That’s the thing, I want to. I’m so desperate to explain exactly what is happening and the pain being inflicted upon me, but as soon as my mouth opens to explain, it’s as if my throat is a door being locked with a key.

  He would understand. Even if he hated me for a while for what I’ve done, he would come back to me. I know he would. Arun’s thumb caresses my cheekbone and I feel a single tear fall from his eye onto my skin.

  From here, I see Je Suis leaning against the doorway, keeping her arms folded as she watches over us. Arun finally moves and folds himself gently beneath my arm. It’s as if I’m trapped in a cage with silence as my guard. Arun waits just outside of it, his willingness to wait and be patient with me even when I give him nothing breaks me even more.

  “He needs you, Alexios,” Je Suis breaks gently. “Hells, I need you. Arun is going to keep destroying himself until there’s nothing left of him either. Do you understand that?”

  Arun’s hand comes to rest on my waist, still just as gentle as ever.

  “Please… just one word.”

  They still believe I’m still strong enough to speak, but I can’t even let out the simple scream that begs to be set free and the kiss I place on Arun’s damp cheek is just as fucking pitiful as I am.

  “I’m begging you… please don’t let silence be the only thing you can give him right now,” Je Suis speaks.

  “Just one word,” Arun trembles against me.

  “… pain…”

  It’s the only word I can even get out without the queen sending what feels like a bolt of electricity through me. Arun’s sob comes out broken and weak as his tears fall onto my skin without any shame.

  “Let us help you, Alexios. Tell me how to help you.”

  I shut my eyes just as another hit of pain flares in my chest this time.

  “… trying…” I push out uncomfortably. “… forgive… me…”

  Arun’s lips dance along my collarbones and neck, hands clinging tightly to my body.

  “Always,” he breathes. “I just want to know you’re still here with me, okay?”

  Je Suis steps back into the hallway to give us the privacy we so desperately need right now, but I see her eyes shift in my direction.

  --

  Through the next few hopeless days, Arun clings to me with hope in his eyes. It’s enough to make me feel like I’m killing him with my silence alone. No matter what he does, no matter the medicine he tries giving me or the spells he thrusts into my chest… I’ve only grown worse. With my appetite completely gone, every bite of food that I’m forced to take turns to what feels like ash in my mouth. The taste isn’t any better either. The rest of the food he painstakingly makes for me is left untouched until he is given no choice but to toss it into the trash bin.

  Now my skin feels too tight, especially at night when all I can find is fits of restlessness, tossing and turning while Arun tries to soothe me. And worst of all…

  I can no longer meet Arun’s eyes.

  His patience and gentleness grates at me. I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve the way he brushes my hair when my hands twitch with pain. Not the way he leaves soft kisses on my neck. His kindness burns through me like I’ve flown too close to the sun and I still can’t give him what he deserves.

  Every time Je Suis checks on me, I know she sees how my hands tremble when I do something as simple as reach for the blanket. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I’ve apologized to the queen, pleading with her to spare me with promises of unwavering loyalty, obedience, sex… whatever task or need she could possibly throw at me. It’s no use either.

  Arun’s body gives out before his spirit does and he’s left with no choice but to come to bed much earlier tonight. I feel his lips wearily caress my cheek before he whispers how much he loves me. I can’t say it back.

  Before long, it seems as if he has fallen asleep, still carrying far more than he ever should have to. I take that as a sign to fall into my trance, but something feels… wrong. Even more so than it has in the last few months. It starts with a pressure behind the eyes, almost as if it’s eating away at my own brain. My limbs harden and it is then when I realize I’m moving without even deciding to.

  It’s only a dream, I tell myself. It has to be.

  But the chill of the hallway’s floorboards feels all too real. I want to go back. I want to climb back under the sheets and pull Arun as close as possible, but my body refuses to listen.

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  Come to me, Alexios.

  Let us see each other again.

  No.

  No, no, no, no, no.

  “… please… no,” I beg her but still, I descend the stairs and out into the courtyard.

  She has made me into nothing more than a puppet now, leaving me with no choice but to walk into the stables and saddle one of the horses. The horse twitches nervously. Can it see what I cannot?

  My hands, cold and unsteady, take the reins and then I’m riding through the plantation as the wind cuts against my cheeks. The horse’s hooves are much too fast, but I can’t slow him. I try, desperately I try. It doesn’t work. My mind screams at me to stop and turn around.

  Wake up, Alexios. Just wake up. NOW.

  The horse doesn’t stop its thunderous sprint until the outer gates of Richelor come into view, both of our breaths ragged with a panic that won’t seem to dissipate. The streets are empty, too empty for a night like this. Not even so much as a rat scampers through the street. I dismount, feet hitting the cobblestone roughly. To my disbelief, the horse doesn’t think to run away. Almost as though it’s being controlled by the same presence that gnaws at me. I look around, only to find windows with curtains drawn to block out any possible light that could pour out or wandering eyes from peering in.

  Richelor is a ghost town, with nothing stirring until my eyes are pulled towards movement next to the fountain in the town square, too fast to just be a gust of wind. Could it truly be her, finally awakening from her throne?

  A chill runs down my spine, muscles coiling as I follow. Right as I turn around a corner, I see the smallest bit of dark fabric against the shine of golden armor in the moonlight. I can only catch glimpses when I turn another corner, but I’m certain it’s her now. I can feel it the same way I feel like I’m nothing more than prey trying to catch its own predator. I pace after her faster now, down one street and across another empty alley, only to not see another glimpse of a gown or dark hair flowing through the breeze.

  But I know I’m still being watched in this very moment.

  “… show… yourself…” I whisper, throat still raw.

  The alleyway feels as if it’s swallowing my words whole. The only answer I get is the sound of dripping water somewhere in the distance. I consider turning and fleeing, but then I remember Arun and everything else she plans to steal from me.

  No. I’m done.

  If she wants to play this game, fine.

  I keep pressing forward into the maze of Richelor’s alleys, staying crouched as my heart hammers harder at every small movement.

  “… not… afraid… of you…” I say, swallowing harshly in hopes of getting the glass feeling out of my throat.

  Just as I turn into a new alleyway, I’m stopped. There she stands… tall silhouette outlined by the glow of a lantern in the alley. She waits, back turned to me. Through ragged breaths, I force my shaking hands to steady. If she thinks she can keep tormenting me, she’s wrong.

  This ends tonight.

  With a violent twist of my wrists, the air cracks as a sickly blast of electrified blood snaps forward, its crimson veins pulsing through the space between us. It lands directly into her back with a thunderous squelch. She jerks, gasping in pain as the blast pushes and hurls her further down the alleyway. A loud thump echoes as her body hits the ground.

  That’s… that’s it?

  No counterspell? Nothing at all? She’s… she’s fucking ancient. She should have torn me to shreds, but instead…

  She surrendered.

  I nearly fall forward, heart racing as relief finds me, but when I step closer to the body that lies crumpled on the ground like a marionette, I spot… oh gods…

  Curling through tangled dark hair are horns and lying still against the cobblestones is that familiar spade tipped tail of a tiefling.

  No. It can’t be. No, no, no.

  With a horror, I realize why it was so simple to kill her. Because what I killed… what lies dead on the ground now is not her.

  It’s Kayel.

  My legs give out right as I stumble a step closer, seeing his horns in the dim glow of the lantern, head twisted awkwardly against the cobblestone. His amber eyes, wide in shock, are utterly empty now while a steak of blood drips from his parted lips.

  Flung just feet away from Kayel’s body lies his sketchbook, fluttering in the night and open to a drawing.

  It’s Arun’s face, delicately sketched through fine lines and shading. No matter what I do, I can’t bring myself to reach out to Kayel’s lifeless body or to the sketch of Arun. If I do, I’ll have to accept what I’ve done. I can only stare at Kayel’s lifeless eyes and the sketchbook. Proof of his last moments.

  Consider this repayment for your behavior, Alexios.

  “No…” I beg, hands shaking violently as I tear at my own hair. “No, no, no, no…”

  The tears flood my vision and fall faster than I can wipe them away, her laughter echoing through the alleyway as I choke on my own sobs.

  I did this. I killed Arun’s best friend.

  I killed the boy who sketched with him and made him smile. He trusted me enough to sit at my own table… and I fucking killed him. I bury my face in my arms and scream, turning in on myself to rock like a pathetic child.

  “I didn’t… I didn’t mean… Arun… gods… forgive… forgive me… please.”

  I take one last glance at Kayel, hoping this is just a nightmare and he’s sitting there laughing, but his eyes are still just as wide as empty as they were. Kayel does not move. It’s then I realize that I cannot stay here.

  My legs give out repeatedly as I stumble through the alleyway, vision smeared with tears as I crash into a barrel. My hands shove it away as I snarl and nearly trip over my own damn feet.

  With my hands shaking so violently, it feels almost impossible to untie the horse’s reins, but somehow I’m on its back and we’re moving, flying down the road even as my body shakes so violently it feels like I might fall off when I round a corner too quickly.

  No matter how fast I ride, no amount of speed will ever be enough to outrun what I’ve done. By the time I make it to Webhollow, hands still trembling and cramped from the ride, I don’t even give the innkeeper the opportunity to question me before I’m throwing coins on the counter, voice still too hoarse when I command a room.

  I barely make it three steps inside before I collapse, knees slamming roughly on the floor as I crumble completely now. The sobs that pour out of me are ugly and uncontrollable as I keep my forehead pressed against the floor until it hurts. I can’t fucking breathe anymore so I begin clawing at my own hair, pulling until a few strands rip from my scalp.

  When I’m even a fraction brave enough to look up, the queen stands before me as smoke formed into the shape of a woman. She’s untouchable like this.

  “You see, Alexios?” she says, voice almost sounding like poisoned honey. “You were made to kill. When you let go, you are magnificent.”

  “Stop it!” I cry out, scrambling back against the wall.

  It only makes her smile grow.

  “You fucking bitch!” I scream as I slam my fist against the floor until I feel the slightest tingle of blood draw. “He’s dead now… because of you!”

  She only laughs in triumph. I press my palms hard, desperately hoping that it’ll be enough to make my skull crack, but her voice bleeds through anyway.

  “He is dead because of you,” she corrects, kneeling. “And I am so proud.”

  The sobs won’t stop, I can’t move and my body feels like it’s slowly and violently being ripped apart by her cruelty.

  “I don’t want this anymore. Please… I don’t want to be your fucking dog. Let me out… I’ll do anything.”

  “But you have done so well,” she says, drifting closer as her eyes glow brightly. “Even though you tried so hard to resist me… you still found your way back.”

  I hurl every foul word I can even think of at her, but she doesn’t stop. She just keeps whispering to me, almost as if she’s singing.

  “Mine. You will always be mine, pretty Alexios.”

  My voice finally gives out and I’m left weeping. But eventually, even that turns to silence. My insides feel as if they’ve been wrung out like a dirty towel, making it impossible for me to move.

  Exhaustion turns to darkness, but it’s not just some simple trancing. The queen made sure of it. I’m right back in that fucking alleyway, but this time… it looks almost endless. Every shadow is her, long gown drifting through the breeze as she steps around another corner while she taunts.

  “Did you truly believe you could ignore me?” her voice slithers through the streets.

  Stumbling around, I fall against the wall of an old building.

  “Please… just leave me alone,” I beg of her. “You’ve taken enough from me!”

  She steps into the dim lantern light with her fangs and crown seemingly flowing, her hand touching my face. I flinch, but the rest of my body won’t respond, arms too useless to fight back.

  With a violent shake, the cobblestones below my feet me crumble and I’m left with my boots drenched in red. Gods, please don’t let this be what I think it is. Please. I don’t want to lift my head.

  Please, please, please, please.

  The queen snatches the back of my hair, dragging me forward until I have no choice but to look at how Kayel is sprawled in the alleyway, his small chest ripped right open where my spell burned through.

  “No, no, no!” I choke out, hands clutching at my face as I stumble backwards again. “Bring him back! Please… Arun will never forgive me. I won’t be able to live with myself… gods… he will hate me.”

  “His death is just as I wanted,” she taunts, circling me slowly. “He was always meant to be yours to end.”

  “I… no!” I try, but the words fall apart. “I.. I thought… I thought it was you!”

  Her cold hand mockingly caresses Kayel’s hair.

  “Poor Alexios. Every mistake… every death… it has always been you and you will never wash this off.”

  I collapse into the blood pooling around us and no matter how hard I wipe my bloody hands, it only spreads and crawls even further up my arms, intent on claiming me now. Kayel’s poor body twitches, squelching as his head rolls to face me.

  “How could you, Alexios?” his corpse whispers to me.

  I burst back into consciousness with a scream, body trashing wildly against the floor as if I’m being held down by chains. My chest heaves, clothes soaked in sweat as if I’ve been drowning with no way out.

  The queen’s form may have dissipated, but I can’t convince myself I’m alone, especially when every damn shadow looks like her silhouette. I claw at my skin to scrape away the blood that isn’t even there, but I can feel it anyway.

  “It wasn’t me!” I sob. “I didn’t… I didn’t…”

  My voice falls apart, just as I have. There is nothing left now but for me to bury my face in my hands, and rock back and forth like an inconsolable child.

  But it was you, Alexios. You killed poor Kayel.

  Nothing silences her now. Not my palms pressed tightly against my ears. Not my head shaking until it aches.

  Nothing.