Good day today. Yeah, I know the fact that I keep using that adjective kind of cheapens it and makes it seem like I’m just describing every day as pro-forma—a sort of inflation of contentedness—but what can I say? It was a good day. I’m just having a lot of good days. I guess we should just stop remarking on the day, then? Maybe only mention it if it was not a good day? Like if it were only OK, or worse? Then again, what about better? I’ve had great days in the past, haven’t I? No reason not to remark upon them should I chance to have one again.

  Or maybe I should just do away with this attempt at categorizing a 24-hour period in such broad terms? Sigh… I don’t know. I feel like with me being… I don’t know, mentally healthier, I guess? That the necessity (or, at the very least, the positive impact) of keeping the journal has decreased. And of course, there will come days when I can’t write here. Not least because I won’t be able to lug around a computer everywhere with me. So maybe I should just start to try and wean myself off now?

  Hey, look at that: I opened the fucking journal congratulating myself for having had a good day, and what I’ve done with that opener is turn it into brood-central. Let’s just leave the topic of what we’ll do with the journal in the future, to the future.

  For now, let’s just run a short recap of the day: Sleep was great. Yeah, I know. I just had the whole thing, but I still have to mention it, right? One year for every year I suffered through shitty sleep. Praying that it will hold, of course. Don’t know what I’ll do if I end up back in that state somehow. Fuck… I get heart palpitations just thinking about that.

  Anyway, sleep was great, woke up all energetic and ready to face the coming day. Then the usual stuff, you know, mediation, working out, breakfast. The mornings are pretty routine. Might as well stop mentioning them. Goddammit, stop fucking meta-criticizing the journal. You want to enjoy the fifty minutes you have left in the day, don’t you?

  Right, after breakfast, went with Yvessa and Felix to their magical combat class. Didn’t really put in a stronger showing than the last two times, but I’m getting better. Slowly but surely, right? And I’m finally starting to feel like the Sight is actually of some use when I’m fighting. It’s much more evident in the purely physical fights, though. Where the disparity between me and my opponent isn’t so big. Most of my opponents, I should probably say. Pat myself on the back some. Not that I think I’m actually better than anyone here. Just close to being as good as some of the people I’ve fought against.

  Whatever, after the combat class, we grabbed an early lunch, then me and Felix went to the lesson in artifacts usage. I don’t know… I feel like it’s… like I could do without it. But it is a mandatory lesson, I guess. And it’s only an hour a week. If Felix doesn’t complain, I guess I shouldn’t.

  Afterwards, me and Erianna met up and trained with threads while waiting for our lesson to start. She finally stopped needling me, trying to catch me understanding the lessons better than her. Or maybe she’s just biding her time. For what it’s worth, I don’t think we’re as far off as we were in dwarven patterns. The fact that she actually finds studying Epirak magic interesting probably helps.

  Even if she won’t admit it to herself, I think we can confidently say that enjoying her training or studying does help Erianna when it comes to her training or studying. But she just keeps putting everything into two camps: either she’s good at something, or she’s bad at something. It couldn’t possibly be that she’s good at most things because she works so damn hard, and better at some things because she also enjoys them. No… that would be crazy.

  Anyway, we’re still working on Brutes, of course. I know that they are what makes the Epiraks, Epiraks. Well… you know what I meant. But still, I wish we would’ve focused more on some other aspects. But maybe we just don’t know all that much. Or maybe what we do know is confidential and not to be taught to people who haven’t even seen a Brute or Martyr in the flesh.

  But I can’t help thinking that there’s some rigidity to the whole approach of studying the Epiraks. Like, most people—whether they be theoretical researchers or intelligence analysts—are happy to just write off most of the Epiraks’ magic as fully alien and of no practical interest to us.

  I know I’m exaggerating, but I just feel like we should’ve made more progress in studying the Epiraks. Sure, the Terrans have started applying themselves to studying their physiology and biology and all the other logys. But their magic?

  Besides those Navir’s tracings methods to counteract hostile Brute magic, there hasn’t been any major insight made into how Epirak magic works and how to better fight it. Is it really because we just can’t comprehend it? Surely it’s not a problem of a lack of resources, right? But if we can’t comprehend it, how can “converted” Martyrs? What, their brain changes so they’re suddenly able to understand it?

  And what about the conversion and transformation processes, anyway? Besides one being done willingly and one unwillingly, what’s the difference between the two? Is there a difference? Seems like there has to be, right? Who would voluntarily submit themselves to total brainwashing? And besides, the Martyrs are supposed to be as fully an individual as any of us.

  So why haven’t there been any Martyr turncoats? Why are we the only ones who can turn to the other side? If they were truly as free to choose as we are, then surely there would be some among them who would decide to switch sides, right? When the numbers get big enough, like in this war, pretty much everything that can possibly happen, ends up happening.

  But I haven’t heard of any Epirak who turned to our side. Of course, I haven’t heard of anyone on our side who turned (willingly at least—then again, I also haven’t heard of any specific non-willing individual) to the Epiraks. Might be that every instance is just kept secret at the highest levels. OK, so if that’s true, then do the Martyrs not have any magical component which makes them Martyrs? They’re just held together by shared ideology or self-interest? Doesn’t seem plausible. That would mean that the Epiraks are simply an enemy nation that can control zombies. Not an enemy which stands for literal evil because it fully wants to kill and destroy you in your entirety.

  Fuck, what the hell do I know about the Epiraks, really? All the Epirak studies courses I’ve taken should’ve really been called Brutes studies. And that’s what really irks me. We have this enemy, and we don’t really know anything about it. At least, nothing that reaches people so far down the ladder like me. Even the Harots, right? We know plenty of stuff about them. They’re supposed to be from outside of the Web or something. No one actually knows how that works or what that means, but we know that about them.

  And since I know that the Reshan were here before the Web, that must mean that there is something outside the Web. Be it a bigger Web (a Web of Webs) or just a void with other Webs in it. I don’t know. Doesn’t matter. But I do know more about the Harots—despite the fact that they literally only appear during integrations—than I know about the Epiraks, despite the fact that we’ve been at war with them for two-hundred years. We know the Harots’ motivations: they’re fucking parasites and they want to eat. The Epiraks? Wow, they want to destroy us… that’s an end result, not a motivation!

  Fuck, we also know how the Harots’ magic works on some level. I haven’t looked into it, but I’m willing to bet that it’s at least as detailed as what we know of the Epiraks’ magic, if not more. This, despite the fact that there is no actual practical incentive for any nation to research the Harots since the Harots are only the problems of new worlds (and were only really a problem for us).

  So what do we conclude from that? That either the Epirak magic is wholly divorced from anything we’re familiar with; completely alien so that we can’t even begin translating it. Or that the people on this side of the Web are so monumentally stupid as to not bother trying to learn anything about their enemy? Or maybe it’s just censored and kept in total secrecy? Which begs the question, why? To avoid people falling to the lure of Epirak temptations? Then how do the people in charge of keeping the knowledge secret police each other? Are all the Chosen in constant fear that one of their peers will flip to the enemy?

  Yep, just keeping going around in circles, that’s a productive use of your time… But still, I should be thinking about these kinds of things, right? Should I? What is actually expected of me? Am I supposed to just be “physically” strong? Winning the world and saving the Web with the power of my spear? That seems a little far-fetched. Unless there is something above Chosen; a rank that will allow you to truly dominant the war. But even if there is, who’s to say that will be enough (not to mention, whether it’s actually my destiny/necessity to reach it)?

  So, would I also need to play some sort of charismatic role? The young and enigmatic new Chosen that rallies the rest of the Web behind him as the war to end all wars reaches a climax? I mean… probably, right? At least to some extent. Hero-worship is pretty much unavoidable in an environment where personal power directly translates to military command.

  OK, so I need to become as strong as a Chosen at the very least—we knew that already—and that will also necessitate becoming (even by virtue of simply being a Chosen; i.e. with no further action) a vital part of the allied propaganda machine.

  So far so good, but, is this really all that is needed of me? We already have eight Chosen, one more isn’t going to turn the tide. And surely I’m not going to be the only one of my generation to become a Chosen; it’s not like we have had less than seven Chosen in the last couple of centuries. Someone will match up to the task, be it me, Erianna or whomever. So either I must be destined to become stronger than a Chosen (to the ratio that a Chosen is stronger than a Ruler?), which we don’t know if it’s even possible. Or… there’s something extra.

  Which would be… what? My unique perceptive due to being a Taken? Can’t be as I won’t be the first Taken Terran Ruler or first Taken Chosen—maybe it’s something about being the first Taken Terran Chosen? But what could it be? Earth’s strength didn’t lie in magic, and the Terran Republic’s comparative advantages don’t either.

  And I’m far from being well versed in the aspects that we Terrans have the edge over our contemporaries. So it doesn’t seem likely that a Terran Chosen (and we assume that I was chosen to be a Taken because I have the best chance to become a Chosen… yeah, that’s a mouthful) is what’s going to turn the tide.

  OK, so maybe it’s something about being the only Thread-Weaver Taken? Possibly… Web-Web did want me to use the Sight before I reached level 1 for some reason (I’m waiting to research what the possible reason could be until… probably well after Erianna leaves). Alright, so we assume that what Web-Web (or to be more exact, their previous form) needed was a Thread-Weaver Taken of any race, and Earth’s humanity was the only one at hand.

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  Which, of course, raises the question: why’d they wait so long? If Web-Web was omniscient enough to calculate that without me the Epiraks are going to win (and we assume that they aren’t lying to me—purposely, by omission, or even simply due to a current lack of knowledge—and it is possible for us to win if I follow their plan) and then calculate that I’m the best choice to prevent that from happening… How did the situation get so dire in the first place? A truly omniscient being wouldn’t have let the Epiraks rise in the first place—and if it was only omniscient and not omnipotent, why did it wait until we Terrans showed up on the scene (did it know about us before the Integration?)

  Yeah… not getting into that particular abyss. At least not when I’m in control of my emotions.

  So let’s just say that it’s possible that as a Thread-Weaver Taken, there is something unique about me that makes me… well, either able to become stronger than a Chosen (or a Chosen, assuming there is something special about me becoming one) or… something else. Something that doesn’t deal directly with pure strength.

  Which means that thinking about the Epiraks and their magic might not simply be a good use of my time, but also a necessary one. The problem is that I can sort of see how being a Thread-Weaver Taken could, somehow, lead to becoming stronger-than-a-Chosen ?. How does being one lead you to—I don’t know, come up with the nuclear bomb, I guess?—I have absolutely no idea.

  Unless it’s a combined-effort sort of deal. Web-Web needed a conduit of some sort from which to exert their influence on the physical world. And if you already need a conduit, oughtn’t you pick one that has the best chances of becoming strong? Well… yes and no. Yes, because, obviously it makes sense. But no, because—at least according to what Web-Web said—I cost a lot of potential Taken.

  And if you don’t care about the conduit you inhabit all that much, insofar as even it becoming a Chosen isn’t what’s going to win the war for you, wouldn’t it be better to have another… I don’t know, hundred Taken instead? I mean, a hundred extra Sarahs means a hundred extra Rulers. Surely a hundred Rulers are more than equal to a single Chosen… right? I mean, a hundred level 10s would absolutely decimate a Ruler so… I don’t think the Ruler-Chosen analogy is level 1-Ruler.

  It’d be really great if I could ask these kinds of questions. If a certain someone, or something, or someones, or who gives an actual fuck (they certainly don’t), would make their presence known and answer a few of those questions. Then again, who am I kidding? They probably wouldn’t, anyway. Either they’ll say there’s more important stuff to talk about, or, more likely, they’ll say (or claim) that they don’t know—having lost the knowledge or something like that.

  Which is just great. Really fucking great. Because where does that leave me? Without a clear goal besides becoming a Ruler in five four less than four years. Which isn’t going to happen, I think we all know that by now. Nor is level 10, or the much more important level 8, any likely. But since Web-Web seems content to let me go on as I am, I have to assume that either they misspoke (misthought?) when they told me about their five-year-plan, or that they have a plan for how to bridge the gap. Or that they’ve recovered some lost knowledge and have decided to give up as a result.

  Well, it’s no use crying over spilled lack of exposition. I have a potential future that I wish to avert. I have a duty to fulfill if said vision of the future is accurate. I have responsibilities to undertake as part of said duty if I wish to match up to it and prevent that possible future from coming to pass. And of those responsibilities, I am, at the very least, 100% on top of making sure I do all in my power (and all that is, to the best of my knowledge, currently required of me to do) in order to rise to the occasion strength-wise.

  And if that vision of the future is not accurate (from a positive perspective—if it turns out to be too hopeful I don’t think there’s anything I could actually do) then I’m already on the road that I wish to be on and doing what’s best suited for me. I may not have had a choice when I embarked upon this road, but I think it’s fair to say that I wouldn’t rather be anywhere else right now.

  Is it, though? Or am I still forcing myself to think that? To believe that because of Web-Web’s vision for the future? Probably. At least on some level. But I don’t know… I still feel like getting to live the life I live right now, and am going to live in the future is worth it even if it means not being able to fulfill my dream. Like Erianna says, I could get a cat and a dog, eventually. I don’t have to fully abandon my dream. Especially if it turns out Web-Web is wrong.

  Speaking of stuff that Erianna says—wow, we really went on a tangent there—after the lesson, she kept trying to trip me up and get me to admit my real grade in the dwarven patterns course. She claims that she went so far as to reach out to the other students in the academy in order to find out their grades and thus have a better picture of what my grade needs to be when taking the average into account. Don’t know if I believe her, but it’s only a matter of time until she wears me down and gets me to admit it.

  But I’m not going to simply stand there and take it. No no, she wants to play with fire, she’ll get fire. “Hey Erianna, before I actually tell you my real grade, can we go over again why you’re so sure that I’m lying? Oh, could it possibly be that you assume that I must have a higher grade than you because you’re actually ranked second in the class and ties are determined by first name? It couldn’t possibly be that, right? Not with your constant complaining and moaning about how hard the course was for you? There’s no way in hell that you’ll end up with the second best grade in the class after all of that… right? Right?”

  Yeah… that’ll show her. Of course… I could also let her discover my actual grade through subterfuge. Let’s see… I need someone who doesn’t have any protection-weaving around their threads. And it’s gotta be someone that Erianna is likely to see long enough—and during an occasion where she’ll use her Threadsight—to figure out that there is an interesting piece of knowledge to be gleaned from the thread connecting them to me. Ideally, it would also be someone who it makes sense for me to tell them my grade, so that I wouldn’t come off as a self-absorbed asshole, but some sacrifices are inevitable.

  Hm… I could tell her that I’ve already told her everything she needs to know in order to find out. That all the information she needs is—nah, she wouldn’t get that joke.

  Anyway, I have more pressing business than digging a trap for Erianna. Like making sure that I’ll get a higher grade than her in the Epirak magic course. No way in hell am I letting her get away with a symmetrical result. After all, I’m not complaining about taking the course. I’m outwardly enjoying it. She doesn’t deserve the satisfaction of having an equal mirror image to the dwarven patterns course.

  Anyway, we split up in Dan’s building. She went to a private lesson in… it’s not really a course but… command-oriented magic, I guess? I seem to remember it being something that’s only an elective in the academy but mandatory during Military Training…

  In any case, the lesson with Dan went fine, and is the actual main reason why I’m so satisfied with the day (remember that?). We focused solely on muddling, and I really feel like I’ve made some great progress with the practice. Like, all the little techniques and tips that Dan gave me today, I latched onto immediately, just like that.

  It didn’t get any easier than usual, but I’m certain that the process will be much more efficient going forward. I’ll try muddling tomorrow while I’m working out—with my new and improved passive gathering patterns, the small amount of energy I currently require to start muddling will be restored by the time I finish breakfast.

  Which reminds me, Sarah swore me not to tell anyone (because she doesn’t trust Felix or Yvessa not to tell Erianna) but she thinks that she’ll be able to make it to a malleable core before she finishes with Military Training. Seeing as she’s still one level lower than Erianna, that’d be a significant hit to the princess’ already crumbling (thanks to yours truly) self-confidence. Nah, she just doesn’t want Felix and Yvessa to poke fun at Erianna because of her. And they definitely would.

  Now, why she thought it was safe telling me about that… I mean, she’s right, I won’t tell, but still. Where in my track record did it make it seem like I’d be a safe candidate to share that with? Well, we only have about three more months before Sarah has to leave. And… five(?) or so months before Erianna does. So it’s not like I’ll have to rein myself back for that long.

  Damn… and now I made myself sad thinking about them leaving. I mean, I knew me and Sarah would have to part since the day I met her. I wasn’t delusional enough to think I’d be able to stretch six-and-a-half years to only a year-and-a-half (not to mention, that joining her would mean parting with Felix and Yvessa. Quite the dilemma, which, thankfully, I don’t need to be concerned with). But still… it’d be hard to say goodbye. I think I can count on two hands the number of days where we never physically met up. And no hands are required if you take out the physical part.

  And Erianna… well, saying goodbye to Sarah is one thing, right? At least with Sarah, we know that after those two years we’ll likely serve close enough to one another so that all four of us could meet up semi-regularly. Who knows what’s going to happen with Erianna? She’ll finish her year-and-a-half Muster while I’ll still have close to half-a-year left of Military Training.

  And afterwards? Sure, we’re both probably going to be serving on the same front (although that’s not a guarantee given what Erianna told me about the types of command she’ll be given first), but we’re going to be in different command structures, with very different roles and responsibilities. Probably won’t get to hang out like we currently do before we’re all Rulers or close to.

  Eh. I’m probably exaggerating. Overall, it won’t be that different from Sarah. Or even from Felix and Yvessa. Who knows where each of us will serve. We might all be stationed on different worlds. Might be assigned to one of the western attaches. I guess it just feels different because with Sarah it’s just about being a year behind her. We’re all going the same route, so it feels like we’ll meet back up again eventually. While Erianna is… yeah.

  Then again, I probably won’t get too much of a break from Erianna. As far as I know, Farris isn’t planning to decrease the frequency of our meetings due to taking part in the Muster. In fact, he alluded to seeing me more frequently due to that—which makes sense, right? If he’s already slotted to spend a greater amount of his time helping train other people, that means that he’ll be able to spend some of that increased amount on me.

  And I’m guessing he’ll get a kick from forcing Erianna to join some of the meetings. And let’s not kid ourselves, me and Erianna are good friends. I’ll probably be able to keep in better contact with her than with Sarah due to the lack of Web-Communications facilities on Traeva (as well as the greater lack of free-time and freedom). And it’s not like I have a deeper relationship with Erianna than Yvessa has. So if she was able to handle the separation (lol) just fine, so surely I’ll be able to. Great, and now I’m more worried about Sarah. Good job, mate.

  I guess I’m just overly-worried about all these goodbyes because I never actually had to part with a good friend (and let’s not get into the discussion of whether I actually had any as good as friends). So it’s a brand new experience for me not to be able to call someone I like and make a plan to hang out sometime next week/month. And God knows I’ve always hated goodbyes. They’ve always hit me so hard in fiction (and the less thought about saying goodbye to a fiction, the better) that I find it hard to imagine I’ll have a grand old time dealing with them in reality.

  Oh well, that’s still a worry for the distant future. And it’s a good worry to have. Means you have a great social life and an empathetic personality. For now, we can just relax and focus on each day as it arrives. And hope that each day will be as good as today was. And let’s actually finish with today, shall we? I don’t know how it happened, but I’ve spent way too much time writing today.

  So after Dan, I met up with the others for dinner, then we went to work out (sans Sarah since she had a lot of material she needed to read). Me and Erianna stayed around the field after we finished in order to train in threads some more. It makes more sense for her to go back to hers to have a shower than come all the way over to my room like she usually does. And the weather’s still nice enough for it to be comfortable.

  Anyway, we finished at around ten, then I came back and spent the rest of the evening cultivating. Then a shower. Then I spent the rest of the fucking evening writing this journal entry. Good day overall.

  Alright, that’s all from me for now, goodnight!!