Accidental Summoner LVL 4 → LVL 5
New Passive Skill: “I Swear It’s Safe” – Summons Ignore Player Instructions 42% Less Often
New Active Skill: “Chaos Parade” – Summon 3 Random Creatures (Cooldown: Probably Catastrophic)
Mood: Somewhere Between “Please No” and “Why Did I Exist?”
I had survived two minor apocalypses, survived the infernal bureaucracy, and acquired what could loosely be called loot. Mostly it yelled at me.
Today’s challenge: acquire armour and weapons that wouldn’t actively argue with me.
The Armoury of Mildly Obnoxious Artifacts smelled faintly of old socks and despair.
Immediately, a breastplate levitated. Its voice was deep, echoing, and judgmental.
‘Do you seriously think you are worthy of me?’ it said.
‘Uh… maybe?’ I said.
‘I have standards,’ it growled. ‘I refuse to protect idiots.’
Before I could respond, a sword jumped into my hand.
‘I am Excaliblah,’ it declared. ‘Legendary. Fabulous. And also hungry for compliments.’
Bob clapped. ‘Finally! A weapon with personality!’
‘I… can’t do this,’ I muttered.
The armour, clearly offended, slumped. ‘Fine. Wear me. But don’t complain when I refuse to defend your dignity.’
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I sighed and equipped it anyway.
[NEW QUEST AVAILABLE]
Quest Name: Survive Office Olympics and Acquire Gear
Objective:
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Wear sentient armour without arguing for your resignation.
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Pick a weapon that won’t insult your ancestry.
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Survive “Mini-Apocalypse #4: Coffee Machine Edition.”
Reward: Slightly fewer panicked screams + 1 morale boost for Bob
Somewhere in Infernum-7, the Infernal Office Olympics had begun. Yes, it was exactly what it sounded like.
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Demons raced through hallways with flaming staplers.
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Gremlins competed in “Extreme Paper Filing.”
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Horned mini-bosses hurled coffee machines at each other.
A system alert flashed:
[WARNING: ROAMING MINI-BOSS #3 DETECTED]
Threat Level: Mildly Riled and Professionally Offended
Bob leapt onto my shoulder. ‘Do you want to try Chaos Parade?’
I swallowed. ‘Yes… probably.’
I tapped the screen. Glitter, smoke, and something that smelled like burnt toast erupted. Out poured:
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A jellyfish in a bowtie that zapped everything it touched.
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A tiny demon accountant with a clipboard (apparently self-replicating).
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A cat the size of a small horse, purring ominously.
The new mini-boss froze. It looked at my chaotic army. It looked at me.
‘…I resign,’ it said and fled.
Meanwhile, the sentient sword, Excaliblah, glared at me.
‘Congratulations,’ it said. ‘You’ve summoned chaos successfully. I am proud… ish.’
The armour groaned. ‘I hate you both,’ it muttered. ‘But I will protect you because apparently that’s my job.’
Bob leapt from my shoulder. ‘Next stop: Apocalypse #5. Optional chaos, mandatory fun.’
I groaned. Somewhere, a demon clerk sipped coffee. ‘They will break at least 23 rules today,’ it muttered. ‘Optimistic.’
[NEW PASSIVE SKILL UNLOCKED]
“Team Slightly Competent” – Summons argue 33% less, cat and armour occasionally cooperate, sword compliments you sarcastically
[NEW ACTIVE SKILL UNLOCKED]
“Apocalypse Parade” – Unleash Chaos, Summons + Sentient Loot Participate (Cooldown: Pray)”
I stared at my army of chaos, sentient loot, and Bob.
And for the first time in Infernum-7, I felt… slightly prepared.
Slightly.