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  My eyes they dart in boredom through the night. This feels like a sick joke sometimes, I end up missing those days I got to release all this pent up aggression, one day changes a man I thought and yet I in my core still blame as I lash out in anger. It almost feels like everybody's in on the joke, how everybody's an actor wearing masks that cover head to toe, when I notice those masks I notice how I will never change. Even as I sit in this dark room, sit on this sofa I notice the lying adults. Sometimes I ask the skies above me if I am not the skies why was I able to do so much that even the laws of the world can't understand.

  I look up in hopes of an answer, but really I knew it would never answer me back, I didn't wanna be questioned I just wanted my question to stay in the air unquestioned and accepted. I looked at the furniture around me, and as I reminice the black guy I met who I still hadn't known the name of... the last I remembered he had gone to Pa'eper because it was more technologically advanced there. I hadn't shared that much time with him really if anything we were neighbors... but I hoped to stumble across him one day as a reminder that there was someone out there who I didn't fully hate the guts of.

  But then I stumble across the question of what is purpose in the grandness of it all? Purpose was a human made construct, it would cease to exist if all of society holding people down were to one day break down into nothing, rolls we offer society only exist in the grander narrative to pay our wallet. As I pondered the concept of rolls I failed to notice Manny who sneaked behind me as I pondered away... because this war showed there are some rolls that exist outside the restraint of the government, such as that cafe I visit from time to time, they offer charity. The conclusion I came across is that rolls are a reactionary concept, we don't do unless we don't get back something of the value we hold. To some that value is money, to others it can be as simple as charity... to Manny it was a Boo and a startle coming from me.

  I wanted to say something but I couldn't and so I looked up at the ceiling as if it would open up and show me the skies. Manny sat right next to me as he explained he can't sleep, asking me in the few words he could mumble why I been distant. I asked him if the whole world blew up what would he do, kids being kids he answered how he'd become an astronaut and fly away while saving everybody on this planet. I asked him again but this time what if he could only go through tomorrow, what would he do then, I had to add fun unicorn land after or I would catch Manny contemplating death and crying my ears out.

  I zoomed out not paying attention to his answer as he talked himself to sleep, I slowly began to ask myself again but this time what was I hoping to gain out of the conversation. It felt like I was going backwards all the way to the ooga booga time, I wanted to label myself as a human in short is what I came across. Humans label anything they come across, but a part of me hated it, a part of me hated how I hate people, hated how I love others as I pet Manny to sleep. I CAN*T LOVE ME, my skin feels like it has insects inside of it and I wanna scratch it out so bad, wear someone elses skin.

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  As I wash my drooling face with my left hand just as I find myself looking down on the wooden ground I notice it all has a role, it fits and it's structured. Was I given this to test myself, to show the world of my humanity as a character developing journey I take, I then catch myself missing those years of me working in the theater like the persona of someone I never was and the crowd loving me, I then notice I never fit in. I always walk on the ground I stood on, maybe that's the role I offer.

  All this thinking it felt like it got me nowhere, I wanted to live in illusion land I didn't want answers I just wanted to seem like I was asking the right questions. I was a coward, I took the cowards way out.

  The night passes me by and as I catch the people looking at me, watching me I catch myself going deeper and deeper into what made me feel whole. I sit there, begging for money, not food I didn't need it, just hard cash I just wanted to feel something. I grab people by the leg if I had too, the first cash someone dropped either out of pity or fear... I noticed how I felt nothing. I felt none of that drive, as I came home battered in dirt the kids would collectively ask me to play with them, the kids never lied how they felt on the inside but the nanny looked me in disgust. I didn't question it, I was just paranoid.

  They judged me and as more eyes darted their gazes, I felt humanized not as the embodiment of their fear but as the embodiment of their disgust too, if I was human they were ants simple as that, they could walk all over me and I'd still trample them. But after so many days of questions I didn't want answering I finally asked a question worth wondering over. Why did I feel so fullfilled?

  Was it a label a prancing of "I AM HUMAN", yet they disgusted me, was it the role I gave myself that finally got those eyes on me hating me for all my past deeds, I couldn't tell you.

  Maybe I wanted to know that my dead heart still beat boom boom boom.

  I was sick, I was unstable, I was unwell and I threw more dirt on me both with my actions and literally. The poorer I looked the more disgusting and frail I looked, I learned how I could never hate myself this was love... this was truth. This is what doesn't hate me, this is what started giving me pleasure again, I feel rich hoarding both inside and out. When they throw sticks and stones I feel nothing even when I see my cash crumble as they are split into small shattered pieces unable to placed together anymore. They look at me in pity, I feel humanized even after all I did, this this is what humanizes me...

  My mind kept yelling I hate you from the depths of my core, and if you stripped away all of me I would still be a hating being. Why must I be a persona of a man when ants walk among me thinking they are humans. I didn't let anyone beat me up, I did this to be someone I used to be, but I felt hollow waiting for the day something would happen, the day disgust turned to decision. I grew to hate me, but I hated everyone. Fin.