\|/ Turn 60

  I really thought it was her.

  After I finished writing last dark, I forced myself to get up as to not fall asleep again.

  Immediately as I did, my headache flared. Before I did anything else, I went over to the aid-kit and took a pill for it.

  Suns I missed having these. Would’ve helped so many times.

  I put it back and paced around, trying to think of a way to approach Vera and the other Scale.

  Mik was half-asleep as I did. Its eyes were closed, but it bobbed awake every time it heard my claws against the floor.

  I wasn’t much better, though. With my entire body aching and my mind scattered, the thing I wanted to do most in that moment was to huddle up next to it, knowing it’s warmer than the already warm ship, and just pass out.

  But… that would leave too much time between Vera and the other Scale seeing me and Mik. They would get paranoid, and I wouldn’t sleep soundly without talking to Vera, anyway.

  I imagined what their state was. I couldn’t properly think for turns after finding out Tau was alive and seeing Mik for the first time, so I could only imagine what adding a crazed Thornkin to that equation looked like.

  I shouldn’t have lunged at her. She doesn’t even know what enveloping means…

  Oh Suns, I’m a moron.

  I sighed deeply, which made Mik look up again. I was making it struggle even more.

  I have to do this.

  I started going towards the door but quickly realized I hadn’t told Mik anything. It panicking when the door opened wouldn’t help in the slightest, so I turned around and went to where it was sitting.

  Mik’s eyes were barely open when it looked up at me. I felt bad for keeping it up for so long.

  I wrote “Mik hurt?” gesturing to the cold-pad under its torn shirt.

  Mik managed to take a deep breath, forced itself to smile slightly and wrote “Good, thank”

  I’m glad it worked. I thought your warmth would just negate it.

  I wrote “Maya go talk with friends. Please, please, please Mik sleep. Friends no hurt Mik. Too scared.”

  Mik read the sentence aloud in its language, saying something under its breath as it rubbed its head and eyes.

  I know, I know, I’m sorry that I’m going right now, but I have to.

  Still sitting down, it slowly looked up and around us. It even nudged me to the side to see if there was anything behind me.

  “There aren’t any cameras, if you’re looking for that.” I hissed, “Rest. Please.”

  Not understanding me, Mik pushed itself to the corner furthest from the inner airlock door, which it wasn’t too far from in the first place. I stared at it in confusion.

  “Maya” it hissed, motioning for me to get closer.

  I did, crouching right over it.

  Mik took my shoulders and brought me even closer. I was basically pinning it against the walls.

  “Mik?” I hissed, feeling really unnerved.

  It took the journal from my hands and wrote “Mik trust Maya. Mik no trust no Maya. Hurt Maya.”

  “It was-“

  Mik covered my snout, quickly writing “No say please. No Maya hear”

  …Ok?

  It let go of my snout and gave me my journal back, still gripping my shoulder with its other hand.

  Slowly, Mik reached into its pocket and pulled my knife out.

  My eyes widened. Mik didn’t let me step back when I tried to.

  I wanted to break away, to overpower Mik’s weird position and back off, but I couldn’t do anything without hurting it more. In that split moment, I decided not to move.

  “Mik, st-“

  It hissed “shhh” sharply. Except this time, it wasn’t calming. It was an order.

  Damn it. Don’t do this to me.

  Mik carefully put the knife in my pocket.

  Afterwards, it brought itself closer to me and enveloped me tightly, its head pressed against my stomach.

  I didn’t know what to think.

  A part of me had been hoping Mik had thrown the knife away. That I could move on from what I almost did to the scavenger, to forgive what I did to myself in the process.

  But, in that moment, I felt her part of me liking that I had the knife again. Something to hurt with, something to blame. I hate that feeling more than I can describe.

  I silently enveloped Mik back.

  After a span, it let go.

  Without saying anything else, I turned and went back towards the airlock.

  It took me a few spans to partially get my thoughts back in order when I got to the console. I was staring at the corner next to the door for a while.

  I knew Mik was just trying to keep me safe. That’s all it ever did.

  But in the process, it made me even more scared of talking to them. It gave me the opportunity to do something horrible, and, at the very least, her the opportunity to make me think about it.

  I really didn’t need that. Suns know I didn’t need that.

  Still, I managed to calm myself down because I thought I knew who was behind the door. Never would I hurt Vera. That much of me remained.

  I took a few deep breaths.

  I should just… ignore that happened. You’ll ask for it back tomorrow, right after I fix things with them, and we’ll be fine.

  I looked up.

  Above me, in the middle of the door, stood the console.

  “I can do this.”

  I reached upwards and tapped it. A menu lit up:

  || Open Inner Airlock ||

  || Open Outer Airlock ||

  || Cycle Air – Disabled; equalized pressures ||

  I pressed the first option.

  “Nope.” SILT said.

  “Wha-?!” I blurted out, taking a step back in surprise.

  “Door’s locked.” SILT responded like it was obvious.

  “SILT!” I shouted out, quickly going back to the console, “SILT! How?!”

  No answer.

  “SILT?”

  Nothing.

  I tapped the screen and the first option again.

  A new text-to-speech voice answered, stating “Error, locked by crew.”

  “SILT?” I whispered.

  …

  “Fucking damn it!” I yelled, slamming my fist against the door.

  I was imagining it. Of course I was imagining it.

  Why do I keep doing this to myself?!

  “Why can’t I move on?!”

  Before I could do anything else, Mik’s hand grasped my shoulder, gently pulling me from the door.

  I turned around and looked at its face, about to yell something in rage. I barely managed to stop the words in my throat.

  Instead, I covered my eyes with my hands and whimpered to myself.

  “Just… just give me a moment.” I hissed. Mik didn’t understand me, but it didn’t force me to do anything.

  …

  After a span, I brought my head out. I was still frustrated, but I wasn’t about to yell at it for no reason.

  Mik took out its journal and wrote “What Maya happen?”

  I thought whether to tell it “See not there” or make up frustration about the door being locked.

  But both options would be stupid in their own ways. One would make Mik worry more, while the other would make me eat myself from the inside, right when I was supposed to do one of the most important things in my life.

  The one time I needed to function, I just couldn’t force myself to.

  No…

  “Come here.”

  I closed the journal Mik was holding and slowly brought it over to where it had been sitting. It didn’t resist sitting back down, nor did it did it press the question. I couldn’t ask for more.

  Afterwards, I went back to the console. I needed to get this done before I started hearing more than just SILT.

  ’Remember me?’ Of course it wouldn’t. Even if it was here, it wouldn’t be my SILT.

  SILT’s gone.

  I breathed in and tapped the first option again.

  The monotone voice repeated “Error. Reason; locked by crew.”

  “Identify.”

  “Multi-Crew Assistance Model, version-”

  “Please open the door.”

  “Error. Re-“

  “I am a part of the crew, and I’d like for you to open this door. Please.”

  “I apologize, but your voice does not correspond. Please identify.”

  “Maya Thornspike, VSEC, Arid Domain.”

  “Processing…”

  …

  I stared at the console. It just had that static text.

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  I turned around, leaning my back against the door and rubbing my head. The headache was mostly gone, at least, though my entire body still hurt. I already knew the next turn was going to be horrible.

  And then the door opened.

  “AH!” I yelped as I fell onto my back.

  Someone grunted, and a grey blur flew over my head. I scampered backwards in a panic.

  There was a male, grey-scaled Gatorid positioned next to the door. He lost balance from missing my sunsdamned skull, which made him stumble towards me. As soon as he got his foot on the ground, he leapt backwards.

  My back hit a wall. I quickly stood up, panting. Before I could say anything, the Gatorid yelled “CLOSE!” at the top of his lungs.

  The airlock slid shut. I heard Mik start banging on the door.

  The Gatorid turned his attention back to me, still holding the metal tray raised in case I came closer. His tail lashed behind him as he took another step away from me.

  “How did you get through?!” he screamed at me, his voice breaking.

  I went to say something, but I heard sprinting footsteps to my right before I could. I turned in time to see the Scalari.

  She stood at the entrance of a hallway, holding a scalpel. Her eyes were a dark teal, pupils thin and vertically slit. She had light blue scales with lines of green spanning from her head down her neck and body.

  My only thought was Not Vera.

  And, before I could stop myself, I pulled the knife out.

  The adrenaline in my body, the fear, felt like it doubled. I started shaking, and breathing became impossible.

  Mik banging on the door was deafening. The lights were blinding. The air stung.

  I tried to say ‘Stop!’, to tell them not to get closer, but all that came out was stuttering gibberish. My hands shook violently as I held the knife.

  She took a slow, careful step towards me. Gently, she bent down and put the scalpel on the floor.

  The Gatorid yelled “Lishla no!”

  Pressed in the corner, I glanced at him for a moment.

  And she used it.

  She lunged at me, grappling my hands.

  I tried to move my knife backwards, but she held on with an iron grip. She started twisting violently, causing my knuckles to pop. Her large tail hit me on the side, forcing out what little air I had left in my lungs.

  I moved my leg and pushed myself off the wall, spinning around so that she was fighting over my shoulders.

  Her scales scraped loudly against my thorns. I felt them grating her arms and chest.

  She grunted and let go of my hands, stumbling backwards.

  I turned back around, holding the knife out towards her. For less than a moment, I looked at the Gatorid; he hadn’t moved.

  She regained her balance a few lengths away and held her hands up, hissing something I couldn’t hear.

  But I was losing.

  I couldn’t stand from how dizzy I felt. I leaned against the corner again and my vision gave out.

  I desperately tried blinking, but everything was black. I was blind and, in a few moments, I would pass out.

  Suns help me.

  With my last remaining strength, I forced my hands to open.

  The knife fell to the ground. I didn’t hear it clatter.

  But I could finally breathe.

  A moment passed. I breathed in.

  Two moments. I breathed out and in again.

  Three moments. I could see.

  For some reason, while I was recovering, they hadn’t jumped me.

  The knife was between me and her. She hadn’t gotten closer, and the Gatorid was still hiding against the far wall.

  I brought my hands up.

  We all stood in silence for a span. Mik kept banging on the door.

  “I-I’m here… to talk.” I managed to wheeze out.

  “Your friend isn’t.” Lishla responded, looking at the door.

  In my peripheral vision, I saw her tail slinking towards the knife between us. Though I didn’t dare take my eyes off hers again.

  “A-A moment.” I begged, “Mik won’t hurt you. Just let… let me talk with it.”

  “Sure it won’t.” she laughed once. The Gatorid opened his mouth and closed it.

  I heard scraping as she swatted the knife towards herself. I was running out of options.

  I took a step towards the door, still facing them. Even if I couldn’t verbally order it to open over them, I was the closest to it.

  “Don’t.” She growled.

  “I promise it won’t come in after.”

  She stared at me. The Gatorid looked between me and her.

  …

  “Fine.” She sighed.

  “WhAt?!” The Gatorid screeched, “It’ll kill us!”

  “Like it wouldn’t when it got through.” She grumbled, bending down and picking both my knife and her scalpel up.

  She went over to him and grabbed him by the arm, pulling him towards the hallway where she had run in from. A moment later, the lights in there turned off.

  I unstuck myself from the wall, my legs shaking as I stepped towards the airlock door.

  An even louder bang made me flinch.

  That was the hatchet.

  I brought my arm up towards the console in the middle of the door, but I hesitated. If Mik swung as I opened it…

  Another thud. Mik screamed this time.

  I stepped to the side.

  “Open inner airlock.”

  Mik crashed through the now open door, almost falling over its hatchet. It had started trying to pry the door open.

  Mik looked around frantically, completely missing me as it did.

  “Mik!”

  It snapped towards me, half-raising its hatchet before it recognized me.

  Still, it didn’t calm down. Immediately after, Mik noticed the gaping, unlit hallway behind me.

  “No no no! Don’t go there!” I yelped as it took a step towards me, holding my arms out to block its path.

  Mik grabbed my arm and pulled me behind itself, still holding the hatchet raised. Spinning around, I almost fell down, but I managed to catch myself with a wall.

  I ran back to stand between it and the hallway.

  “No!” I yelled, “No!!”

  Mik didn’t push me away a second time, but it kept looking over me to see what was behind me. Knowing it could see in the dark way better than me, I knew I had to get Mik away from there.

  I pulled out my journal, accidentally dropping my pen in the process. I tried to pick it up but missed a few times.

  I finally got it and quickly scribbled “Mik no go!!! Friends just need talk!!!” over half of a random page.

  It didn’t look at me. I shoved the journal in its face.

  Mik finally read what I wrote. It didn’t like it. It breathed out sharply once through its teeth and took a fast step away from the hallway.

  I followed it, quickly writing “Friends scared. Very very scared. Like Maya scared when see Mik. Maya talk, friends not hurt Mik not hurt”

  Mik groaned, making an exasperated gesture towards the airlock.

  I wrote “Please, friends just need to talk. I promi-”

  Mik took the journal from me before I could finish my sentence, read it and wrote “Friends talk Mik.”

  As I stood there, trying to comprehend what Mik was about to do, it already started going towards the hallway.

  “Oh Suns no!!”

  I ran in front of it again, frantically scribbling “noNoNONO”

  Mik stopped, staring at the journal intensely.

  I wrote “Just Maya talk. Maya. PLEASE”

  Mik breathed in, saying something under its breath.

  It took out its journal and wrote “IF MAYA HURT, MIK HURT FRIENDS MORE” over an entire page in barely legible writing, almost tearing the page itself. It then shoved it in my hands, tossed the hatchet into the airlock and stomped inside.

  The hatchet clanged loudly a few times as it bounced. Mik turned around to face me, fully opening both arms with its palms towards the celling, before grunting and grabbing its right side from the movement.

  I went over to the door and said “Close”. The airlock slid shut.

  “Oh dear Suns” I muttered, leaning my head on the door. The fact that it didn’t reach the console made me feel tiny.

  …

  This can’t get any worse. It just can’t. Why couldn’t it-

  “You taught it to hiss?” asked a trembling voice behind me.

  I spun around, still full of adrenaline.

  The Gatorid was holding onto the doorframe to the hallway, with only his hand and the light reflecting off his eyes visible from the room I was in.

  I saw the shadow’s eyes in his. I had to look away.

  He muttered what I think was an apology, and repeated “You taught the alien how to talk?”

  …

  “no” I barely responded, looking at the ground.

  I shook my head and added “Mik only knows how to say ‘Maya’.”

  Before we could continue, Lishla’s feet stepped into the light where I was looking, about a length in front of the Gatorid. I brought my eyes up to hers.

  “It’s not coming back out?” she asked.

  “No, I told it we’d talk.” I hissed, focusing only on her.

  The shadow was behind her. Its eyes had replaced the Gatorid’s and his hand had become a wing.

  “…Talk.” She repeated, swinging her tail sarcastically, “So no stabbing?”

  “No, I-I” I stammered.

  “You promise?”

  “Don’t do this to me!” I screeched, my hand reaching for the console.

  “Stop!” the Gatorid yelled out.

  I flinched, bringing my head and hand back down.

  “Please… I-I don’t want to die.” He whimpered.

  …

  “I was… joking.” Lishla mumbled, breathing in deeply once, “We can talk, come over here.”

  She gestured with her tail and went back into the unlit hallway.

  I felt too many eyes staring at me from the dark. Only when the light turned on did the feeling go away.

  When I looked back up, I saw the Gatorid again, nervously looking at my hands.

  I took a step away from the console, telling him no with my tail.

  He hesitantly turned around and went to Lishla.

  A moment later, I was about to follow him, but a weird sight made me stop. I could swear that the Gatorid had two branching tailends that had just passed in front of me as he turned around.

  I need to pull myself together.

  Disregarding it, I went into the hallway. It was connected to one other room I heard Lishla and the Gatorid whispering in, and it had a ladder going to the second floor of the ship. I continued toward them.

  I was surprised to find a massive lab when I stepped inside. It had a lot of big tables attached to the walls, upon which there was lab equipment I could only have dreamt of having in Unity’s Hope.

  Lishla was a few lengths to my right, past the big table in the center of the room filled with even more stuff. She was holding onto a recessed ladder overlooking a bunch of cabinets that were carved into the walls. The Gatorid was under her, waiting for her to find something in one of the bigger cabinets. His snout snapped shut when he saw me.

  I waited silently. Being in the lab made me feel somber.

  “There!” Lishla exclaimed, snapping me out of my thoughts. She pulled out a folding chair and handed it down to the Gatorid.

  “It’s the spare.” She added.

  The Gatorid leaned over the central table and gave it to me.

  “Thank you.” I hissed quietly, folding it open and climbing on top of it. My legs barely touched the ground while on it.

  Lishla dropped down a moment later and dragged her own chair about a length left of me. The Gatorid picked up another one from the other side of the room and sat down to a bit further away to my right.

  …

  Everyone stayed silent for a few spans. Lishla was leaning her tail in her lap, and I had slumped in my own chair.

  At that point, I was beyond drained. Trying to remember what we talked about while writing this is next to impossible, especially since, unlike with Mik, I can’t reread from our journals. I’ll write the parts I do remember.

  Lishla was the first to say something.

  “So… You’re Maya, right?”

  “I am.” I hissed, feeling my tail twitch out of my control when I said that.

  “I’m Lishla, that’s Vas.”

  …

  “Why are you here?” Vas asked, half-looking at the ground.

  “I… I crashed. With Mik.” I breathed out, “I wanted to ask you the same thing.”

  Lishla looked at Vas for a moment, before, unsure of herself, saying “It’s… complicated.”

  I specifically remember her saying that word.

  “Complicated? How? Why and how did VSEC send another mission directly after mine?”

  …

  “They… didn’t.” Lishla mumbled.

  “We launched about 70 turns ago.” Vas finally announced.

  …

  The room stayed silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

  “I… How…?” I groaned, rubbing my eyes.

  “We have FTL now!” Lishla forced an excited tone, “Thanks to you!”

  We talked more after that, but I can’t recall what about. Lishla mentioned being a chemist or something along those lines, which still doesn’t explain how she got the sedative. I need to ask her.

  She also mentioned something called “godrock” once or twice. I think she was talking about CHD, but I can’t be sure.

  Vas was explaining FTL when I fell asleep in the chair right in front of them; I hadn’t been listening at all.

  Lishla tapped me on my shoulder with her claw, which jolted me awake.

  “You good?” she asked, her face uncomfortably close to mine.

  “I… I can’t… I need to sleep.” I rubbed my snout, “I’ll go back to Mik.”

  “That’s fair. You want a blanket?”

  I nodded, saying “Yeah…”

  Lishla stood up, looking at the cabinets for a moment.

  “We have a spare here…” She trailed off. A moment later, she perked up, “I’ll go get mine. Vas, if you would.”

  I got up to move out of the way. Immediately, I lost balance and stumbled backwards.

  Vas stood up, almost tipping his chair over.

  Lishla tried to grab me but didn’t reach me in time. I managed to catch myself against the wall to my left.

  “You okay??” Lishla asked, her hands hovering near me.

  “yeah” I breathed out, holding on. At least that woke me up a bit.

  “I’ll hurry up.” She hissed, disappearing into the hallway and going up the ladder.

  Vas stared at me. After I looked back at him, he quickly turned around and went to the cabinets, climbing the recessed ladder.

  That’s when I saw his tail again. There were still two tailends.

  Not again.

  I ignored them and looked at the lab equipment, dozing off again.

  …

  “Maya?” Vas hissed quietly next to me.

  I flinched away from him.

  He apologized and handed me a thick, green blanket that was full of pictures of leaves and flowers.

  “Thanks.” I said, taking it.

  Standing next to each other, we waited for Lishla to come back. It took her a while.

  …

  “I-I know it’s a bit of a bad time, but it’s an honour to meet you.”

  “Hm?” I asked, my eyes half-closed.

  “You… you did a lot for Scale. I mean… we’re here because of you.”

  “Not really...” I said, looking down at my feet.

  “It is.” He said with a bit more confidence, “That and the alien with an axe in our airlock.”

  “Mik.” I corrected him, laughing once.

  “Sorry, Mik with an axe in our airlock.” He responded, laughing slightly.

  …

  “Mik’s nice.” I said mid-yawn.

  …

  “Yeah, no, I-I believe you. It wouldn’t be here with you if it wasn’t.” He sighed, “It’s my fault. I heard you hit the door and I panicked. I thought you were…”

  “I was…?”

  He sighed deeply, looking down. I saw his tail coil around his leg in my peripheral vision.

  “Feral. I thought you went wild.”

  …

  “Maybe.”

  Vas looked at me. I smiled at him jokingly.

  He immediately took a step back.

  “No, Va-“

  “Here’s the blanket.” Lishla barged into the room, holding another big, Green Domain themed blanket. I hadn’t even heard her going down the ladder.

  I looked at Vas again. I was too damn tired to try and explain how baring my teeth at him was supposed to be nice, so I took the blankets and turned around.

  “I got you some food, too. You’re a bit… thin.” She added, running up to me and placing two wrapped ration bars onto the blankets I was holding.

  Vas stayed behind as we went towards the airlock.

  I tasted the air reflexively, realizing that the other blanket actually tasted like her. I stopped in the middle of the room that was connected to the airlock and turned around. Lishla almost walked into me.

  “This yours?”

  “Yeah?”

  “What about you?”

  “Oh, don’t worry, we have beds.”

  A moment later, she continued, “…If it’s cold I can turn up the ship’s heating? I know Thornkin like it warmer.”

  “It’s fine.”

  …

  “Alright, I’ll leave you to it.” She said, bumping my tail with hers and going into the hallway.

  At that point, I just accepted it and went to the door.

  My hands were full, and I couldn’t tap the console. I decided to try something I didn’t want to.

  “MCAM?”

  “Yes?” the voice immediately responded.

  Oh thanks the Suns it wasn’t SILT again.

  “Open the airlock.”

  The door slid open. I quickly peeked my head inside to see where Mik was.

  It had been sleeping, but the door opening must’ve woken it up, since it was looking at me with bleary eyes.

  “Heya” I hissed, quickly stepping in and telling the door to close.

  I put the wrapped bars on the ground, went over to the centre of the room and unrolled the blankets next to each other. Afterwards, I walked over to Mik and nudged it to get up from its corner.

  Mik groaned slightly and stood up, its back popping loudly as it did. It took two steps and lay down on a blanket.

  There.

  “Food?” I asked it as I went to pick up the bars.

  By the time I turned around to give Mik one, it was already sleeping.

  “Fair enough.” I said, laying down next to it.

  And I fell asleep in less than a moment.

  I woke up about a mark ago.

  Mik’s still out. I have no idea what time it is, and I hear rain tapping against the ship, which means I can’t check, either.

  Last turn was really bad.

  I kept hallucinating. It’s gotten worse.

  I have to keep writing, even if it means I remember what I saw, at least I remember.

  Suns, I have so many things to figure out.

  I’m not sure what to think on how they are here. If their trip was 70 turns, and they would be back on Varanth before I would have gotten back, why am I even here?

  Why did I have to lose myself on this damn planet?

  SILT’s message about Mik couldn’t have reached them, and sending a new ship to land somewhere that had already been surveyed doesn’t make any sense.

  There is some big reason, and I’m scared of finding out.

  But I can’t avoid it. Everything hurts, but I have to keep going.

  I won’t force Mik to wake up alone. Not now. I’ll wake it, we’ll eat, and I’ll tell it I’m going back to talk with them again.

  I need to know.