Ollie smashed his maul through the crumbling remains of the third pillar, which had proven more resistant to attack than the first two. The initial damage Pete and the others had caused had badly cracked the column and broken a significant portion of it into pieces, but it took Ollie's hammer blow to finish the job.
"Yes!" Ollie shouted, hefting his maul up into the air and holding it two-handed. "Bow before me, mortals! I am your god!"
Sam chuckled at that. "A strong wind could have finished the job on that one."
"It still counts!" the rangy Australian insisted.
A black stone statue was revealed at the center of the pillar's remains. It showed what looked like a calculator at the top of a pedestal with the word ERROR written in block text on its display screen.
>> NEW DEBUFF: Rounding Error!
All healing and damage is reduced to the nearest whole percentage.
"Fuck!" Ollie barked.
"Good one, Ollie," Sam said. "See what you did?!"
"I didn't do shit!" he insisted.
"Never mind, Ollie," Pete joined in with a smirk. "Perhaps next time you'll be luckier."
"IT WASN'T ME!" Ollie repeated.
"Well, Ollie's screwed us on this one," Pete confirmed. "But this debuff doesn't look so bad."
Sam shook her head. "It might not make a huge difference in a single fight, but it'll count over time. And we're early on in this challenge too."
"Perhaps the next pillar will contain a boon?" Craig reasoned.
"Or," Sam countered, "maybe there aren't any boons at all. It's just debuffs all the way to the end."
[Nero] As I have already stated, Sam, the rules of this challenge are quite clear. The dispersal of boons and debuffs throughout this car park is random. The challenge is not rigged, as you seem to suggest.
"How do you know? You can't tell what's in each pillar beforehand, can you?"
[Nero] I cannot. But I have served the System for many years, and it consistently operates under a certain logic. Challenges such as this can be difficult, but there needs to be a clear path to victory, and that victory must be attainable for players. If this were not the case, Dominion citizens would have no incentive to watch the contest on the feeds and bet on the outcome.
Sam pointed to the next pillar, unconvinced.
"Okay, let's go to the next one. And try not to screw us again, Ollie."
The rangy Australian frowned heavily and stomped over to the pillar. Sam summoned chains once more, wrapping them around the column as Pete drew another arrow from his quiver, and the others likewise prepared to fire.
"Fingers crossed, we get lucky," Pete said as he held the bow at full stretch.
He fired, and the others all did likewise. The pillar shattered under the resulting power, sending chunks and splinters of rock in all directions like gunfire and forcing Torgo and Craig to hunker down behind Grizzle's shield.
Pete found that his high evasion took care of the projectiles for the most part, and the odd cut or bruise healed quickly enough given the existing buffs the team possessed. That might not be the case for long, however, if they kept picking up debuffs, so he made a note to stand a little further back with the next pillar.
The dark stone statue that was revealed at the center of the destroyed pillar showed a hand in motion holding several coins, as though it was delivering them to someone.
>> NEW DEBUFF: Late Payment Notice!
All cooldowns are increased by 5%.
"Come on!" Ollie roared.
"See!" Sam said, rounding on Pete, as though this was his fault. "I told you this whole thing is rigged. The System is trying to bury us."
[Nero] That is simply not the case, Sam.
"Sure as fuck seems like it is," Ollie countered. "We're blind after thirty feet, and we've got increased cooldown times and reduced healing and damage."
"Those are still pretty minor debuffs, though," Pete said. "They're not great, but it's not like our hit chance has dropped to zero or anything like that."
Sam's eyes went wide. "Don't give it any ideas!" she hissed. "Damned System is probably taking suggestions right now!"
Pete ignored her comment, drew an arrow, and aimed for the next pillar. Craig and Torgo likewise took aim, and Ollie reluctantly ran to the pillar and triggered an area of effect ability. Sighing, Sam eventually turned her own strength to the task, wrapping the column in ethereal chains and sending a burst of power toward the pillar.
Pete fired and, once more, the pillar was destroyed as the combined power of each of their attacks did its work.
>> ACHIEVEMENT: Load-Bearing Menace!
Congratulations! You've just "killed" five inanimate objects and sent a ripple of fear throughout architectural firms and construction sites all over the cosmos. Civil engineers wake in cold sweats whispering your name. Safety margins tremble. Pillars beware! The Vault Breaker is coming for you!
ACHIEVEMENT REWARD: +5% Pillar Weakness
>> ARCHERY PROFICIENCY +1
Pete chuckled as the dust began to clear.
"What is it?" Sam asked.
"Just picked up a 5% damage bonus against pillars."
She nodded. "I think we all did. That might actually come in handy if we keep picking up debuffs."
Ollie cleared away the last pieces of stone that surrounded a newly revealed statue. Instead of a carved black stone object, a holographic logo floated in the air, showing what looked like a small tub with a picture of noodles on its surface in front of a cosmic background. Music started up a short while later, an annoying advertising jingle that reminded Pete of the kinds of ads that were made in the forties and fifties. The music was joined by an over-the-top announcer whose voice emanated from the hologram and echoed out into the surrounding space.
>> ZLORP NEBULA NOODLES!
Now with 5% more zlorp!
Tired of meals that obey the laws of physics?
Sick of noodles that stay in your mouth dimension?
Then slurp up a bowlful of Zlorp Nebula Noodles today and get your zlorp on! Every bucket of Zlorp Nebula Noodles contains 25% undiluted zlorp, guaranteed to get your mind mouth fizzing and to unlock the inner potential of your taste buds.
>> ZLORP NEBULA NOODLES! BECAUSE NORMAL NOODLES SUCK!
WARNING: If left unrefrigerated for more than 12 hours after initial preparation, noodles may achieve sentience.
Pete stood staring at the holographic logo. "Okay, so that just happened."
Ollie chuckled. "I kind of feel like a bowl of noodles now."
"You would not say that if you'd ever tried them," Craig said, grimacing. "Zlorp Noodles are among the most common food items sold on my home world. They are relatively cheap compared to other foods, and they taste quite nice."
"What's the problem then?" Ollie asked.
The little goblin put a hand on his stomach. "Repeated consumption of Zlorp Noodles causes great intestinal distress. They do not inform you of this when you begin eating them, but over time your digestive system begins to respond to the noodles in terrifying ways."
If you encounter this narrative on Amazon, note that it's taken without the author's consent. Report it.
"Like how?" Ollie said, suddenly interested.
Craig turned to him, a look of disgust on his face. "It feels as though your intestines are alive, as though dozens of serpents are writhing in your belly. The sensation can be quite unsettling, and it lasts for days, sometimes weeks. Some of my kin learn to grow used to the sensation and simply carry on regardless, but many are driven to madness or forced to take unpaid leave in order to recover, which can prove financially crippling."
[Nero] I will point out that The Zlorp Nebula Noodle Company denies any and all reports of alleged "Sentient Noodle Belly Syndrome."
Craig barked with laughter. "You can deny it as you please, Nero, but my people are keenly aware of the problem. I myself have suffered from Noodle Belly on several occasions."
Torgo put a hand up, pressing his other hand against his belly.
"Torgo too, by the looks of it," Pete added. "Plus, if it happens so often that they've got a name for it, there must be something to it."
[Nero] I merely point out that no cases of this phenomenon have ever been proven in a Dominion court of law.
"Dominion courts are owned by the Tongsly Belch Corporation," Craig countered. "And Zlorp Nebula Noodles are distributed by the Company, sold in every Vend-o-matic machine on my home world. The courts will not prosecute Zlorp with any force because they produce a significant amount of funds for the Tongsly Belch Company."
"Conflict of interest, anyone?" Sam said.
[Nero] I am simply clarifying that, from a legal standpoint, the Zlorp Nebula Noodle Corporation is blameless.
"Consider your ass covered," Ollie said. "Now, more importantly, what the fuck is this zlorp stuff?"
Pete took Ollie by the arm and pushed him gently toward the next pillar. "More importantly, we need to keep moving," he corrected. "Time's ticking, remember."
Reluctantly, the paladin moved on, and the group approached the next pillar. As they walked past the Zlorp advertisement, however, each member of the group was gifted a free item.
>> NEW ITEM:
1 x Bucket of Zlorp Nebula Noodles, Garbosh and Lime flavor.
The inventory item was a small tub that looked just like the hologram, but there was a cartoon version of a creature with too many tentacles and too many eyes on the front, joyfully slurping noodles from a bowl.
"Okay," Ollie said. "What the fuck is Garbosh?"
[Nero] A species of cephalopod found primarily on a world called Guleen Prime. Prized for both their intelligence and utility as workers in various water-based farming and manufacturing activities, the Garbosh produce a gelatinous substance that coats their eggs during mating season. That substance is harvested, dehydrated, and turned into a powder that is commonly used to flavor a large range of food products throughout the Dominion. In fact, while the Garbosh species was originally used primarily as forced labor, they are now mostly employed to produce as much of the gelatinous egg-bonding gel as possible, given the high demand for the substance.
"Egg juice?!" Ollie said. "They dehydrate egg juice?!"
[Nero] A gelatinous bonding agent used to hold eggs together in an underwater environment and provide nourishment for their young. The taste of powdered Garbosh is quite delicious. It is something akin to your chicken, I believe, though slightly more addictive.
"It is the most popular flavor by far," Craig added, holding the small tub of noodles in his hands and grimacing. "But just the sight of this turns my stomach."
"Well, give it here, if you don't want it," Ollie said. "You too, Torgo."
The two goblins gladly handed their noodles over to Ollie. When the goblins turned to Grizzle, however, the female goblin simply shrugged.
"I have never suffered ill effects from the noodles myself, and I ate it regularly before joining the Path. Perhaps it is worthwhile keeping it, just in case I require food at some stage in the future?"
The look Craig and Torgo shared wasn't quite disgust, but it wasn't far off the mark.
"We should keep going," Pete said, stowing his own noodles in his inventory and drawing an arrow as the group turned their attention to the next pillar.
They destroyed the column without difficulty, proving that the debuffs they'd received thus far hadn't negatively affected their offensive abilities to any great extent. This time, the dark stone statue inside was shaped like a single Belch Buck sitting on its side.
>> NEW BOON: Expense Reimbursement!
1% of the total cost of any ability that uses Belch Bucks is refunded.
"Finally!" Sam said. "Something positive."
[Nero] There. As I told you. This challenge is not rigged; the distribution of boons and debuffs is random.
"Okay, I get it," Sam replied. "I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I guess you're right; it's not technically rigged."
[Nero] Your apology is accepted.
Sam snorted. "It wasn't an apology."
[Nero] Then your acknowledgment that you spoke incorrectly is accepted.
"I didn't speak incorrectly; I was just suggesting that this whole thing is rigged. And the more you keep banging on about it, the more I'm starting to suspect you're covering something up."
[Nero] Admission accepted.
Sam rolled her eyes as the group turned their attention to the next pillar.
>> TOTAL DEPRECIATION: 12.5%
"Five down," Pete said. "Three more, and we face our first enemy."
As he drew his bow once more, Pete thought he could hear something in the distance. Beyond the thirty-foot mark, of course, there was nothing but darkness due to the debuff they'd all been afflicted with, but Pete swore he could hear something moving in the darkness. It wasn't quite a growl, but there was something animalistic about the sound.
"You hear that?" he asked, receiving shakes of the head in response.
"Can't hear shit," Ollie said. "Except for the sound of that damned Noodle advertising jingle banging around in my head."
Sam closed her eyes, listening. "There is something, but...no, it's gone."
Pete concentrated, focusing on the faint growling, or was it movement? Perhaps something was pulling itself across the floor? He thought about the three enemies that had been revealed with the initial totem: shopping cart thugs, a parking enforcement officer, and a retro car. There was no way of knowing exactly which enemy they'd be facing first or how many enemies would attack at once.
"We should be ready," Pete said. "When we hit the eighth pillar, we should get into a defensive formation or something, circle together, I guess."
"Or are we better off staying apart?" Sam suggested. "If we get hit all at once, we could be done, but if we're separated, an enemy might only be able to take out one or two of us, and the others can help."
At the casual mention of being 'taken out,' Pete's mind flashed back to a memory of Coop, standing in the middle of a crater on the lobby floor as rockets flew toward her. Something had definitely shifted with the group since that moment. Death wasn't just something that they were running from, a possibility that they spent all their energy avoiding. It was a painful reality.
In a way, death had now become the seventh member of their group. It stalked them, threatened them, but also accompanied the party wherever they went. As a result, the members of his little band of survivors were beginning to think realistically about who would die next and what the remaining members of the group would need to do to go on.
"Craig," Pete said, "you've got some healing abilities that can help your group, right? Plus, Grizzle's defensive options."
The goblin nodded. "We have sufficient means to defend ourselves and heal a little, yes."
"Right," Pete went on. "So maybe we split loosely into two groups, with you three together and Ollie, Sam, and I in the second group."
Sam grinned, patting Wolfy as the hellhound strode beside her. "Or we go with three groups. Wolfy and I can handle damage and healing for ourselves."
"Or we just wait and see what comes at us?" Ollie offered. "Instead of trying to plan for something unknown. Just play it by ear."
Pete shook his head. "That's easy to say when you're a paladin, but we've already seen that even tanks can get wiped out pretty easily in this game."
"That was different," Ollie insisted. "We were attacked by a crazed Overseer who screwed with the game parameters. If it wasn't for him, we would have aced that level and Coop would still be here with us."
"Well, my vote is that we break into two groups," Pete said. "We can change the approach if we need to when the fighting starts."
Sam shook her head. "You don't get a vote, Pete. You decide. You're our leader, after all."
Pete nodded. "Alright then. We go with two groups."
The next three pillars proved to be something of a mixed bag, with one debuff, a boon, and an ad. First, they picked up the Accounting Lag debuff, which meant that all triggered abilities were engaged 2% later than usual. Then they picked up a boon that increased the effectiveness of all boons by 1%.
The last pillar revealed a holographic log of a painting showing three dog-like creatures smiling and standing next to one another wearing knitted sweaters and was accompanied by a string quartet playing classical music as a voiceover spoke.
>> PINGUING'S PORTRAIT PALACE
Sick and tired of your friends, colleagues, and neighbors boasting about their latest family portrait? Tired of staring at that gap on the mantlepiece or the blank spaces on your hallway walls?
Then head on down to Pinguing's Portrait Palace, the Dominion's most trusted name in lifelike portraiture!
Pete ignored the advertisement, looking left and right for some sign of attack. He stood beside Ollie and Sam, with Wolfy nearby, panting contentedly, spiral demon eyes glowing with crimson light. Craig and his two fellow goblins stood huddled together a short distance away, rifle and fire staff respectively aimed outward, while Grizzle stood with her sword and shield ready.
>> Let Pinguing's Portrait Palace bring your loved ones back to life or transform your wrinkled, aged visage back into its former glory, restoring your youth in the form of an interactive portrait that looks and sounds just like you did in your heyday!
"I don't get it," Ollie said, maul slung over his shoulder. "Where's this enemy?"
"Maybe it'll turn up after the ad?" Sam reasoned.
>> Inject some life into your pet rock, reenvisage that sentient boil in a more pleasing light, or commission a likeness of what you should be rather than what you currently are. Pinguing's Portrait Palace can do it all! For the right price, you can even request a bespoke piece painted by Mistress Pinguing herself.
Note: Bespoke portraits will incur an additional handling and administration fee and may be subject to certain licensing restrictions that prohibit showing in public, capturing by photographic or videographic means, discussing in specific detail to other entities, or thinking too hard about.
They all waited for the ad to finish, standing ready to fight as the voiceover gave its final plea.
>> Pinguing's Portrait Palace, the last word in fine portraiture.
"Okay, we're done," Ollie said. "So, where the hell is this enemy?"
"We must be missing something," Sam suggested. "Maybe we got the count wrong, or enemies appear after depreciation reaches twenty percent? Like, maybe we won't see the enemy until we start attacking the next pillar?"
>> NEW ITEM:
Coupon for one portrait painted in acrylic on canvas.
Additional costs will be incurred for adding flourishes or additional figures to the portrait. This painting is for personal, non-commercial use only and cannot be sold or traded without first paying a commercial fee starting at 10,000 Belch Bucks.
Pete noted the coupon dropping into his inventory but didn't pay it any attention. He and the others looked around, still waiting for something to happen. He could hear that sound again, in the distance, just beyond the blacked-out area thirty feet away.
>> TOTAL DEPRECIATION: 20%
"This has to be it," Sam said. "The System said twenty percent, right, Nero?"
[Nero] Correct. By the terms laid out previously, you should be encountering a new enemy at this present moment.
"Maybe we get a freebie for the first round?" Ollie suggested.
Pete shook his head. "Nah, there's something out there. I can hear it."
He closed his eyes for a moment, straining to hear the faint growling sound he'd detected before. It was there, just beyond his hearing, a rumbling sound that he had originally taken to be animal in nature, but which he now realized was mechanical—automotive, to be exact.
>> PERCEPTION PROFICIENCY +1
"Car!" Pete shouted, spinning around and opening his eyes as engines began to roar and the sound of tires squealing bounced off the floor and ceiling.