Static. Just the three of us. In a world made of static.
I take a breath. It’s cold. Not bad, just… cold. And empty.
Slowly, the static resolves into snowflakes. A horizontal line becomes a horizon. Outlines of hills slowly appear around us. Something like a tree. An outline of a frozen lake. Shadows in white.
We are standing at the top of a snow-covered hill next to a hanging bronze bell the size of a small cabin. It rings again, and I feel my health top off while my vitality hits 101%.
Keymark Bell
Divine Artifact. Heals every wound, disease, debuff, and illness. Restores Health and Vitality to all who hear it. Be at peace.
The bell rings out one last time, then there is silence in the drifting snow.
Pepper stares at the white landscape painting. “It’s so pretty.”
It is. And it’s too good to pass up. “Do your penguin thing, Cabbage Patch.”
“Oh goodie!” She slides down the snowbank on her belly, shoots out over the frozen pond, and skips to the far bank. “Whee!”
“I’m level 6!” Hank shouts. My strength is 22! Twenty-two!”
I have to chuckle. “I thought you’d be more excited about the Hype points.”
“Yeah, but—” he flexes his biceps. “The guns!”
I laugh. “What’d you get for your S-Tier LootBox?”
“Teleporter!” Hank flashes his brand-new robo-church belt buckle, which reads:
Berzerquisition—No one expects it!
“Any target within thirty feet… I appear right above their head. Drop and pop!” Hank giggles, delighted. He’s right to be. Between the Bererquisition, the Spinfinity Blade, his Refinery Exo-Suit, and the Gauntlet of Thiccness, he will be a threat to any mob in the game. “What’d you get?”
“I haven't looked yet.”
Pepper blinks into existence beside me as her Ketchup ability pops. She wasn’t very far away… I guess she missed me. ”Come on, you boys!! She giggles. “It’s fun! Jump!”
She sleds down the hill on her tummy, gesturing for us to follow. We do, and it works. The game allows us a perfect belly slide down the hill, a trio of dumb penguins. We spin out on the ice, giggling.
“What’d you get, Pep?”
“I got you guys!” She beams with happiness.
God she’s too cute. “No, for your level up.”
“Oh that. Um…” She pops her chalkboard. Level 6. Her Psyche is at a mighty 23, her Charisma a formidable 18. MemeQueen is +15 and she’s got a passel of Psi points in addition to a dozen Focus Shards. Imaginagerie +6, Goldfish Mode +5, MirrorMirror +4… she’s a Mindblender powerhouse. “I’m fancier now!”
I smile. “What about the LootBox? What’s your S-Tier?”
“Oh, it’s so fun! It’s a pretty book!” She produces a red cookbook, opens it, and the penguin is suddenly standing in what looks like a Food Network set.
GastroNOMicon
Every ingredient, every pot, every pan, everything but the screaming sous-chef. This joyous cookbook summons a fully stocked commercial chef’s kitchen. The Michelin stars come from you.
“Isn’t it fun?” Pepper twirls around. “Do you want a cheeseburger?”
Actually, I’m kind of in the mood for one of your Beef Wellingtons.”
“Order up!” Pepper chirps and produces a golden brown puff pastry filled with beef tenderloin. I sit down and eat at the bar. Pepper slides a glass boot of Coors my way. “What did you get?”
I’m Level 7. My Stamina is 25/25, higher than Pepper’s Psyche or Hank’s Strength. All my Parkour Pilgrim skills have bonus tags. Hannibal’s Gambit +8, Tactical Montage +10, Evade +12, and my Yeetlejuice is +50. But the most important part is the top of my character sheet.
VSC Hype Score: ?1,033,500
Views: 501,005,333
Reputation: +66
A million bucks. It’s hard to believe.
This time I get a graph of my progress. The initial bump of the Trebuchet Me Bro, the adventures with Anna, then the Chaos Twins, the ModZilla, and the huge bump of the Infinity Crown run.
But there’s one that isn’t a spike. Right before the Xanadu Carousel, there’s a little hit that has kept growing slowly the whole time. It’s not dramatic, but it lasts. I look closer and see the title. “WingWoman.” My dating advice to Rincewind. “Pep? Did you post this?”
“I liked it.” She ducks her head. “It just felt so… real.” She points at the graph. “And look, all those boys liked it, too. It doesn’t have any explosions, but they liked it. Maybe they shared it because they felt like it was real, too.”
I smile. “Thanks, Cabbage Patch.”
“I’m sorry about your shield.” She gestures at my Shellshock. Right. My first real item in the game, the one that protected me so many times, is destroyed. I shift my arm and the final pieces of the force field that used to protect the egg fall out like broken glass. “Wait. What’s that?”
I look closer. The Oolith egg has a crack in it. As I watch, I see something push at the shell from inside. “Oh my gosh, you’re about to have your baby!”
A piece of the egg falls away. A tiny head pokes out. A chameleon head, no bigger than a shirt button. It makes a tiny meep noise, then crawls through the crack onto the shell. “Hank!” Pepper squeaks. ‘Come and see this!”
The chameleon crawls down the shell to my hand and licks it like a friendly dog. It chirrups happily. Another chameleon head pokes through the egg. “Oh! It’s twinsies!” Another head pokes out. Another. Another.
Dozens of chameleons break through the shell, then a hundred, more than could possibly fit inside the egg. The Oolith shatters open and a million chameleons spill over the ground, piling up to my knees. “What the hell—?”
They all come together, climbing on top of each other until they’re as tall as my waist, my shoulders, my head. The chameleons are growing, now the size of golf tees, and they’re all moving in concert, coming together to form something much larger than themselves. As I watch, the blob of chameleons takes the form of a humanoid, then something very much like a man. A very familiar man.
I step back. The million-chameleon shape takes a step back, too. I raise one hand and it does the same.
Pepper claps. “Dave! It thinks it’s you!”
The chameleons keep multiplying and broaden out into two distinct shapes, one the size of a man, one the size of a penguin. I whisper under my breath. “They think they’re us.”
My HUD flashes.
Oolith Egg Quickened:
Divisor Lizard lvl10 Colony
One mind, a million bodies. The Divisor Lizard is a hive collective that can take the form of nearly any living thing, and move with a single purpose. You were the first being the Divisor Lizard saw when it emerged from the egg and has bonded with you for life. Whatever it has observed you doing up to this point is the behavior it will adopt.The Divisor Lizard is not a Pet, it is a wild animal. It cannot be trained to obey.
Hank approaches, staring at the crazy, acrobatic swarm of chameleons. “What the hell is that thing?” He pauses. “Those… things?”
“Neato!” Pepper waddles forward to touch the shifting shape, her fin outstretched. “A new friend!”
The Divisor Lizard disintegrates as she attempts to touch it. Chameleons spill over the ground and flee from the penguin, escaping across the snow. “Wait… hey, come back!”
The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
The greenish swarm stops and coalesces into another organized pile, a larger one this time. Three figures: A man, a penguin, and a barbarian.
It holds that shape for a moment, then Hank takes one step forward and the thing disassembles into component shapes and disappears into the snow.
I stare after it. “That was… weird.”
“Is it coming back?” Pepper asks.
“Who cares?” Hank waves a hand. “Let’s see what you got in the box!”
I stare after the Divisor Lizard, trying to figure out if it’s a Future Dave problem. “What?”
“Daaave!” Hank whines, sick of my ruminating. “What’s in the box?”
“Okay, okay, I’ll open it, sheesh!” I pop off the lid of my S-Tier LootBox. Inside are three silver spheres about the size of baseballs, marked with the emblem of the robo-church temple.
Holy Rollers
Three radiant spheres orbit you like overcaffeinated robot angels, each desperately trying to protect you from your own bad decisions—including the hits you absolutely deserve. Every time they soak damage, they store it as righteous rage. Upon your command, they unleash holy retribution on your chosen target in the form of the last damage type absorbed (fire, magic, psychic, or whatever tried to kill you last). Restores 5% Health per absorbed hit. Warning: Do not let Holy Rollers exceed 100% storage capacity… you don't seem like the type to get Raptured.
Mirrored spheres rise with the sound of an ascending choir and circle me like a halo. They look like the little floaty training ball Luke Skywalker practiced his lightsaber on, except there are three of them and they’re not trying to kill me, they’re protecting me.
Looks like I’ve got a replacement for the Shellshock. I unbuckle the remains of the defense I constructed out of a belt, a turtle shell, and the Oolith egg, and let it drop into the snow.
“Let’s see if it works!” Hank whips out a plasma rifle and blasts me. The Holy Rollers race to defend me like dogs protecting their master. They move fast enough to catch all seven shots. The Holy Rollers try to boost my Health 5% with every shot, but I’m already at full. They crackle with stored energy from Hank’s plasma and I check the readout: 2% Capacity.
Unable to help myself, I trigger the holy retribution on a nearby snowbank, which explodes with plasma fire.
Oh, I like my robo-clerics. “That’ll do, pigs.”
“Aand?” Pepper leans in. “Did you get what I think you got?”
She knows me. “Yeah. I got it.” I pop it out of my inventory. “My fifth Trickster Elixir.”
“You’re going to be able to do magic!” She claps. “I know you’ve been looking forward to that!”
She’s right. Casting a spell might be the one cool thing about this game. And my Character Sheet now reads Mana: 1. Doing magic, real magic, would make my day. I hold out the Elixir. “Can you read it?”
Pepper focuses on the magic item. “Oh! I can! Strength.” She looks at me. “Bind, Shadow, Echo, Neutron, and Strength.” She grins. “That could make for a fun spell!”
I keep my excitement under wraps but the truth is I can’t wait to combine them and see what spell I have.
“Oh look!” Pepper shouts. “It’s the boys!”
Confused, I turn around. The landscape has become much more filled out, a complete snow world. Coming down the hill are two familiar figures, half chaos, half gremlin, all swagger. The Ampersand Twins. “Hey-hey-hayo!” Thing 1 yells while Thing 2 shouts. “Behold! It is we! And us!”
I hate to admit it’s good to see them. They somersault down the hill, dressed in purple spacesuits and sporting matching sunglasses. They jump on me and hug me like crazed chimpanzees, laughing. “Let the man cook!” cries one. “MegaQuest Champeen!”
I get my hands up and push them away. “Okay, okay, geddoff.” They tumble away and latch on to Pepper.
“And the MemeQueen!” One of them kisses her while the other grins. “Professor Penguin! Your RiftTok run was epic!” “Hashtag RebelRaid!” “No cap!”
“Aww you boys are sweet. I just helped, Dave did all the work.”
Hank pipes up. “Who are these two? Are they twins or… the same person?”
“We know you!” The twins yell. “Tankpocalypse Rex! The Gym Reaper!”
Pepper introduces them. “Hank, this is… And and… And.” She gestures to the & each of them claims as their nametag. “They helped us score our first big Hype points. And they’re so silly!”
“Hey, Dave talked about you guys!” Hank nods. “The annoying gremlins.”
“You called us gremlins?” One looks at me as the other cocks his head. “Aww, we love you too.”
“So you saw our videos?” Hank looks eager. “You think a lot of other LivingLegends saw them too?”
“You’re the juicer goat!” One laughs as his twin nods. “Everyone knows Tankpocalypse R—”
“Hank?” It's a woman’s voice. Her silhouette stands at the top of the snowbank.
Anna S.
“Auntie Annie!” The eight-year-old kid is up the hill in three strides and scoops her up in his gigantic arms.
I watch as their little family is finally reunited. Pepper reaches out and holds my hand. I let her. “Oh Hank! Oh, baby boy!” Anna grabs him tight. “You’re okay, thank God, thank God you’re okay.” She cries happy tears. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry, Hank. I didn’t know he was drunk, I would have never gotten us in that car—”
“It’s okay! It’s okay!” Hank hugs her back. “I got a big monster to live inside, and we turned it into a spaceship! And I got that car bed I wanted, and I got this cool axe!” He holds the Spinfinity Blade up proudly. “And when I was scared, I had Dave to protect me!”
Over Hank’s shoulder, her eyes find me. She’s surprised. Grateful. After a moment, she mouths ‘Thank you.’
I’m not sure what to do, what to say. So I don’t do anything. Pepper squeezes my hand.
“Oh! You’re so big!” Anna hugs Hank. “Come with me.” She grabs Hank’s hand and leads him up the hill. “There’s something you have to see. All of you!”
We follow her up over the snowy hill to the crest. From there, we look down over a frozen lake populated by a little ice village out of some Hans Christian Andersen fairy tale. Dozens of people laugh and hug and talk around a huge bonfire.
Every one of them is labeled with a logo: LivingLegend.
“All of these are real people?” Hank stares.
“Come on,” Anna smiles at me. “Let’s go meet some new friends.”
One hundred and thirty-three people have survived Season 2. I count them on my way in. Most of them are delighted to meet each other for the first time, so many strangers with the same experiences. I see tags I recognize from the LivingLegend Leaderboard. SinnaPomme, Stroyk the Slayer, Cowabunga. They’re all here, all real, all gamified people.
It feels like a reprive, which is exactly why it feels wrong. Mercy Hospital doesn’t do mercy.
The cheers start before we make it to the fire. I suddenly realize Hank and I are celebrities. The LivingLegends love us. They all clap and several yell, “Don’t die, Dave!” as we are welcomed to the big party with hoots and hollers.
“You’re incredible!” says a woman in neon armor. “Are you a pro athlete in real life? Or a marine?”
“Substitute teacher.”
That gets a bunch of laughs. Somebody shoves a hot mug of cider in my hand and toasts me. I’ve never gotten this much attention in my life, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. Normally, I’d be looking for an escape route from this kind of shindig. But knowing all of these people are just like me, trapped, alone, deserted… I feel like I’m surrounded by something akin to… friends.
Hank is eating up the attention, flexing his muscles. I look through the crowd, trying to find the K-pop lady from the Pirate Regatta, Charlotte from Charlotte, but she’s not here. I don’t know if she got killed during the race or after, but one way or another, she’s gone. So are almost three hundred other HumanAsset patients who started this game.
“Don’t Die Dave,” says a man in a Victorian trenchcoat with a tailored vest, smoking a Meerschaum pipe beneath the brim of a deerstalker hat. The guy looks like Sherlock Holmes with a white mustache. He extends a hand. “Nice to meet you.”
I check his tags. Forty boss kills, fifty completed quests, and the only LivingLegend in the game with more Hype points than Pepper. “Rik Van Otterdik.” I have to smile. “Where did you come up with that name?”
“Credit my father. And my mother, for that matter.”
“Seriously?” I can’t believe it. “That’s your real name?
“I’m Dutch.” He smiles. “On vacation in your lovely country.”
“Wow. Welcome to the States.” I chuckle. “How’d you wind up in the hospital? Car wreck?”
“I was shot by one of your drunker citizens. By accident, of course.” He offers a wry grin through the pipe smoke. “I thought getting hit with a bullet was bad until I got to experience your health care system.”
I have to laugh. “Yeah, we’re not good at the health care part, but at least it’s entertaining.” He smiles and puffs his pipe. “So, Van Otterdik,” I try not to laugh. “How did you manage to make #1? The only reason I’m on the leaderboard is Pepper. How did you pull it off? Are you a media genius in the Netherlands?”
“Student of military history.” He shrugs. “Plus, I got lucky with a few Class buffs. Come on, let me buy you a hot cider.”
I chit-chat with a few more people. Everyone wants to pet Pepper or hug her. She’s happy to do both. We circle our way back to find Hank and Anna chatting together. She rises and heads me off before I get to Hank.
“What you did… for him...” Anna fumbles for words. “For me. I just… I don’t know how to thank you.”
“He’s a tough kid.” I shrug. “He would have been fine.”
“That’s a lie and you know it, Dave.” She puts a hand on my arm. “I owe you.”
I glance around, trying to avoid her eyes. “So… what’s the reason for all this?”
She snorts and shakes her head. “Who knows why they do what they do? Maybe it’s a Season break, like last time.”
I shake my head. “Last I looked, there were still a day or two left in Season 2.”
“So a system reset.”
“Okay.” I look at the little Hans Christian Andersen dream village. “But why put all the Living Legends in one place?”
“Everyone is online? Yes?” I hear a familiar voice ring out over the crowd, a microphone break from the heavens. I look up and see the moon suddenly turn, rotating like a kid’s model of the solar system. “Very good, let’s get started.”
EmpathyEngine?: Attention please!
You have new and exciting information regarding your continued care! All information is mandatory, so please pay attention! Thank you for your continued cooperation. You guys are so great!
I hear the echo from a hundred other LivingLegends receiving the same message in their HUDs. As the moon continues to spin, I see a gigantic clock ignite in the Arctic sky.
1 hour, 58 minutes until RiftStorm destroys the galaxy.
Season 2 Deathmatch Under Construction
“Everyone can hear me? Good.” I place the familiar voice just as the dark side of the moon spins all the way around to reveal… Bill O’Cavity’s face.
It’s like the moon has been graven into his image, that pencil neck, that pinched face. He’s even wearing his hologlasses, a little timer in the corner. The moon smiles upon us like a malevolent demon. “Hello, guests of HumanAsset! For those of you who have not worked with me yet, my name is William O’Cavity, recently named President of HumanAsset’s Continuing Care program. I am, for all intents and purposes, your case worker.”
The moon-faced accountant straightens his tie. “And I have gathered you all here to inform you of your termination.”