INFINITY CROWN RING 4: GIRAFFEPIPE
PvP ACTIVE | Difficulty: Hardcore
Helpless, I feel gravity flip. I have the urge to vomit, but can’t. The Icebox won’t let me.
We slide down a giant tube that looks like the inside of a hollow rainbow-colored candy-cane wider than the Holland Tunnel. It spirals down like a Mario Kart half-pipe at the X-Games. We skid past a set of digital planks labeled Hyperboards. Hank jumps on one, it auto-straps to his boots, and suddenly we’re hoverboarding inside a giant Willy Wonka bendy straw.
Blinded by the pain, paralyzed, I wish I could scream. Or writhe. Even flinch. But the Icebox holds me like an iron maiden, a thousand needles in my flesh, rigid in blistering anguish.
The Night Shift catches boards and catches up as our speed increases to 200↑mph. Ahead, a giant yellow spring pops out of the wall. The top of the spring is a giraffe’s head holding a LootBox in its mouth. “Hi boys and girls!” The giraffe laughs. “Want some loot?”
I see the trap. My Goonies skill identifies it, flashes it in my HUD. But I can’t say anything. I’m just a frozen icicle on Hank’s shoulder.
Hang Ten ‘boards for the giraffe to grab the loot. The trap flashes Explodapotamus as a giant mouth hidden in the floor rears up and bares fangs of sizzling dynamite. The explosion blows Hang Ten across the pipe. She bounces against the ceiling, smoking. As she falls, she pops a California Roll in her mouth and sticks the landing, sliding on her board across the pipe to rejoin us. “Okay, can anybody but Dave spot traps?”
“GET THEM!” I can’t see the guy who yells, but I know Mockquaman’s voice. I hear the hooting and hollering of the RiftElite Vektors around him.
Bounty Active: Night Shift = 1M Gold
Spike-traps spring out of the tube. With me on his back, Hank barely manages to skid around them. Blaster fire erupts from the RiftElite bounty hunters. As they chase us down the pipe, another giraffe head boings into existence ahead, promising another deathtrap.
“Oh no!” Pepper squeals. “Dave! Wake up, Dave!”
I can barely hear her through the agony. I’ve felt pain in the game before. RiftBorn injuries are hardwired through the arcade token drilled into my skull. But there’s never been pain like this, ever. This isn’t game haptics or electrons firing into my brain. This is Tallahassee pain. Real-world pain. Somewhere in the basement of Mercy Health Hospital, they’re torturing me for real.
Maybe my body is being set on fire; maybe I’m being dunked in an ice bath. Or, more likely, some robot just dumped a healthy dose of Clorox into my IV drip. Whatever it is, the excruciating sensation makes chemotherapy feel like an ice-cream social.
“Dave!” Pepper yells. “Wake up! Please!”
EmpathyEngine?: Icebox Penalty Remaining [-21:45]
The care and well-being of our guests is important to us! We understand you may experience some discomfort during this procedure. Please enjoy some psychologically uplifting muzak while you wait.
? “Love Will Keep Us Together” – Captain & Tennille (1975) ?
Just when I thought it couldn’t get worse. Captain & Tenille serenade our Hyperboard chase down the Giraffepipe as RiftElites hunt us down.
“You worry about the Elites!” Matchstick yells at the wizards, “I’ve got the traps! We need that swag!” He bathes the pipe in fire, scouring the area ahead like a minesweeper. He triggers trap after trap, setting them off too early to hurt us. He snags a Legendary LootBox out of a giraffe’s mouth. He pops the top, and I see text flash Napalm Surge. His flames triple in intensity. “Yeaah!”
Rincewind and the others bullseye RiftElites as they close in from behind. A few get past their defenses. My frozen heart tries to quicken as I watch one take aim at Hank. I can’t warn him, I can’t do anything, I just watch the gun barrel turn toward him.
“No!” the gunman’s companion yells. “Don’t kill LivingLegends!”
“Why not?!” yells the other.
“I heard it’s bad luck!”
“There’s no Luck score in this game!”
“It’s a secret! Back-end code.”
“Oohh…”
The RiftElites get blasted by the wizards and careen into an exploding trap. Ka-Doom!
The Captain & Tenille song loops back to the beginning, enhancing my torture.
It’s chaos, pure, bloody chaos. Blap Blap screens pop up along the pipe, displaying the best bits of the madness. If I weren’t in such agony, I would enjoy watching my Hype score climb past 100k.
The Vektors and RiftElites weave through the trapfield, closing fast as the pipe narrows. Players hot-dog the Giraffepipe for the cameras, dodge the traps, snag giraffe bling, and snake each other’s loot. The RiftElites are nothing if not greedy.
The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.
Icebox Remaining [-12:25]
Halfway through the pain. Only halfway.
Every second I think I can’t take another second until another second starts. I want to jam my eyes shut, to think of Molly, to make it all stop, but I can’t. I’m forced to stay right in the middle of the fire, helpless and unable to scream.
The Giraffepipe splits into 2 tunnels. Fighting dirty, the Night Shift pivots right at the last moment; their pursuers slam into the tunnel-split like cars trying to get off the highway too late.
Hank shifts me on his shoulder, and I see Vektors close in behind us. Mockquaman is in the lead with his teammates following like a pack of hunting dogs. Far in the back, I see Doc Broadchurch struggle with her Hyperboard, trying to catch up.
“You’re dead, punks!” Mockquaman shouts. “Nobody f#cks with me!”
Tennille sings “I will!” over and over as the battle commences. The Vektors and the Night Shift go toe to toe at 300↑mph. They trade fire, but Matchstick keeps snagging LootBoxes and tossing them to the wizards. Hang Ten gets a tornado rune-spell named Baromurder that blows them aside. Queen WaWaq gets a Vitality suck called Hemogoblins that leech onto the Elites, drain their Vitality, and slow them down. Wahoo leverages the environment, using his Chaos magic to turn the pipeline into giant speed bumps. Anyone who gets too close gets an eyeful of Pepper’s Imaginagerie balloon animals and a mouthful of Rex’s Spinfinity Blade.
Our little team of wizards has come a long way in a short time, and even without my combat combos, they’re holding their own against the Elites, working as a team instead of a bunch of solo artists. As the Vektors get knocked back over and over, burning through healing potions like mad, I see Doc Broadchurch at the back, trying to catch up.
Tears cloud my eyes, but I can’t blink them away as I go nearly blind with pain.
“There it is!” Rincewind points. The next ring gate is ahead, a mouth at the end of the pipe. Rince blasts the Vektors with a sheet of ice that freezes them in place. We shoot through to the next level.
Infinity Crown Ring 5: Golden Geysers
PvP Active | Difficulty: Epic
Rex’s Hyperboard skids to a halt in front of a river valley made of gold.
The river is gold, the trees are gold, the hills are gold, hell, even the clouds are gold. It’s like Joel Osteen’s version of Heaven.
Below us, the earth cracks and fractures into big chunks. Beneath us, a river made of gold wells up and the land we’re standing on breaks up into floating golden islands. The wizards are pulled away on a hunk as big as a riverboat. Hank, Pepper, and I wind up on a separate chunk, but we’re all heading downstream, fast.
I feel sweat, real sweat, run into my eye. Somewhere in Tallahassee, the only way my body can express its torment is good old-fashioned pain sweats.
Mockquaman aims at me with an ion cannon.
He fires. The idiot misses me.
But he hits Hank.
We both go down as Hank drops me and eats dirt. Pepper shrieks.
“Ha!” Mockquaman shouts. “Got one!”
Hank is covered in blood, his Health bar barely registering, almost dead. And he’s out of California Rolls. So is Pepper. “No!” she shouts. “Hank!”
I can’t do anything but watch the eight-year-old kid bleed out.
Mockquaman points at us. “Finish those f#ckers off!”
Three Vektors bound across the little islands after us, followed by Doc Broadchurch in her monk robes. Fast and agile as Bruce Lee, she gets to us first.
“It’s okay, it’s okay…” The Doc bends immediately over Hank, fishing for something in her inventory. “I’ve got you. Stay with me.”
Pepper casts Goldfish Mode on the first Vektor. His frozen body drops into the gold river. She hits the next idiot with the same thing. Pep attempts to nail the last guy, but she fizzles out of Psi points.
The last Vektor fires at Hank’s head.
Doc Broadchurch spins on the Vektor. Her hands flash like Jackie Chan. Lightning fists deflect the first three shots, ricocheting them away from Hank. She catches the next shot and whips it right back at the Vektor. It punches through his helmet and kills him.
Icebox Remaining [0:59]
Broadchurch spins back to Hank and pours something called RegenJuice in his mouth. “This is all I’ve got left. It will take a few minutes to take effect, but it should stabilize you.”
Pepper hugs her. “Oh, thank you, miss!”
“Ha.” Broadchurch smiles. “It’s almost like being a real doctor again.”
“F#ck! F#ck a f#cking dog! You stupid b§tch!!” Mockquaman shrieks from the riverbank. “You’re supposed to be on MY team! MINE! Why are these LivingLegends so f#cking stupid!?”
I hear it. I hear him make the purchase. Hear the weapon appear in his hands. Hear the computer chime Killshot Activated.
I can’t stop it, can’t move, forced to watch.
He shoots Dr. Broadchurch dead center.
Her eyes go wide as the basketball-sized laser beam punches through her.
I watch her heart, her only heart, turn to an ?. Dr. Broadchurch, pediatrician from Santa Fe, collapses.
I’m frozen, unable to do anything but watch.
Her body slumps over Rex, still protecting him. I’m eye-to-eye with her as the light in Dr. Broadchurch’s eyes goes out.
Recommended Popular Novels
