8 DAYS, 20 HOURS UNTIL RIFTSTORM DESTROYS THE WORLD.

  The Juggernutz sails across the open ocean, impenetrable, unsinkable as the US Navy. The Respawn Rangers don’t even bother talking to us; they’re too busy “fishing in the CoinRiver” for newly-released gear, weapons, and merch. Every once in a while, we get attacked by a sea serpent, but the Juggernutz blasts it with 20 cannons at the same time, leaving behind nothing but bloody soup and easy XP. The whole ocean’s boiling with monsters, and these kids treat it like an ATM with scales.

  The Ampersand Twins are… weird. I can’t understand half of what they’re saying, but it’s clear they have none of the caution or reticence Anna S or I have. These kids are digital-born, maybe thirteen years old, full Alphas, RiftBorn is their natural habitat. And they know what they’re doing. I check the LivingLegends Leaderboard and find them tied for 16th place with ?31,000 apiece. They’ve made thirty grand since they’ve been here, orchestrating clip-worthy moments like the staged quicksand rescue at every opportunity. These two little psychopaths are born for RiftBorn.

  Right now, they’re doing another dance party with Pepper, mugging the cameras in digital mouse ears, cat faces, monkey tails, and whatever else they can think of, all to 7-second music clips I’ve never heard before. Pepper’s having a good time, and I let her, but I’m not dancing for my supper.

  Juggernutz blows up another sea serpent, farming more XP for the Rangers, who aren’t even paying attention.

  Another alert flashes in my HUD.

  

  Big Kahuna Quest Begins in 5 minutes

  I get the feeling the boat isn’t even going anywhere specific and the Rangers are just killing time until the Big Kahuna Quest is available. But I have no clue what the Big Kahuna Quest is, I have no idea who my teammates are, and I’ve got questions about how this whole RiftElite thing works. It’s time to get some answers.

  I start to call out to the twins, but realize I don’t know what to call them. They won’t tell me where they’re from, why they’re in the hospital, or their real names. I’m certainly not calling them Ampersand and Ampersand. I figure they’re old enough to know Dr. Seuss.

  “Yo Thing 1! Thing 2!” I yell. “How are these Respawn Rangers all level 9? The highest I’ve seen is maybe 4th.”

  “EZ clap, Grandpa.” Thing 1 says. “All they do is swipe Mom’s Amex, buy OP swag, max out their DPS, purchase the XPdoublers, then use diamonds to buy a Golden Doubler to double the doubler. Boom—level 9 before second breakfast.”

  Pepper giggles. “Those are so many silly words!”

  Thing 2 clarifies. “Respawn Rangers don’t grind mobs, they grind credit cards.”

  Mobs. I’ve seen that word plenty in the monster descriptions, even when there’s just one monster. “What does ‘mob’ mean?”

  “Aww, Boomer just asked what a mob is,” Thing 1 cackles.

  He thinks a mob is like… thugs in suits shaking him down for protection money.”

  “Gee Mister Godfather, don’t break my knees, I’ll pay ya Tuesday!”

  Okay, it’s a little scary how right they are; that’s uncomfortably close to what I was thinking. “How about a straight answer?”

  “Mobs = Monsters! Boo!”

  “Now Dusty Fart’s gonna ask if “XP” means “Extra Prunes.”

  I’m beginning to regret engaging with these morons.

  “Wait,” Pepper waddles up to us with a concerned look. “The Respawn Rangers just buy experience points to level up? That seems… unfair.”

  Thing 2 spreads his hands. “Why fight rats in a basement when you can DPS dragons in all drip, full Tuaho, tres boutique?"

  “That’s a strat.”

  I didn’t understand half of those words, so I just pick the last one. “Strat?”

  “You ever watch YouTube like ever? Or are you just, like antenna network only? Rabbit ears?”

  “Strategy?” the other twin chimes in. “Strat = strategy, DDD. And we’ve got one.” He flicks his finger and displays +?700 from the latest dance vid with Pepper. “Engagement.”

  “Yeah, biting the hand that feeds you.” Since we’ve been on the ship, the Chaos Gremlins have produced eight videos with the Rangers, all of them pratfalls, usually at a Ranger’s expense. In less than a day, they’ve made ?2000 just shitposting about their employers.

  “Got a beef with that, Gru?”

  Oddly enough, I don’t. These Little Rich Boys in the Rangers aren’t good people. It’s guys like these, guys like Mockquaman, that killed Buck. And if turning those flaming donkey turds into HypePoints means another day above ground, I’m all for it. The Chaos Gremlins are lunatics, but their game is solid. “Not a bit.”

  The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  “No cap.”

  “No cap.”

  I don’t know what that means, but I get the gist. “No cap.”

  Thing 1 & Thing 2 frown at me. “Bro, don’t even.” “You can’t use our words!” “That’s racially insensitive!” They bust up laughing.

  

  Big Kahuna Quest Begins in 3 minutes

  I’m running out of time to get answers from these two. “Fine. Tell me what DPS is.”

  “Dave’s Prostate Scan,” snorts Thing 1.

  “Now, boys…” Pepper scolds.

  “Damage Per Second.” Thing 2 chimes in. “More DPS, more crits, more kills.” He turns to Thing 1. “This is fun, like teaching a baby to talk. Do another!”

  I scowl. “Explain RiftTok.”

  “It’s where losers go viral for dying crazy.”

  “Oh!” Pepper chirps. “Then Dave must be very popular already!”

  “Hey!” I eye Pepper, but realize she actually meant it as a compliment.

  Thing 1 laughs. “RiftTok is the church with merch.”

  “And explosions.” Thing 2 chimes in.

  They’re killing me with the way they talk; it’s like trying to play verbal racquetball. “It’s a gamer streaming site, right?”

  “Goated on.”

  “Goated on!” Pepper claps her hands. “What does that one mean?”

  “It means bingo, bullseye, deadeye dick Dave.”

  “On the nosey!” Pepper turns to me. “It means you got it right! RiftTok is a gamer streaming site! Oh, this is a fun game! Tell me more crazy words.”

  Thing 1 eyeballs her, curious. “You don’t know RiftTok and you post those sick memes?” Thing 2 leans in. “How do you do that?”

  “I don’t know!” smiles Pepper.

  “RiftTok.” I smack my hands together to get the Ampersand Twins’ attention. “This Blap Blap guy is the main one? With the biggest audience?”

  “One main one, there’s RiftX, FaceRift—

  “Se?or Beest, obvi, Snugglepuss, Doc Choke—”

  “I’m watching Doc Choke right now!” Thing 1 calls up his screen to show an AI Hot Chick With Stethoscope showing epic RiftBorn fails.

  “Oh she is so pretty!” Pepper leans in to watch. Thing 2 checks Hot Girl’s clevage. “Has she done Rank My Loadout yet?”

  As they all stare at the screen, I shake my head. “So you guys sit around on RiftTok and watch people play video games… or just watch AI talk about video games?”

  Thing 2 snorts. “Lag much?”

  “6-7, 6-7.”

  I spread my hands, exasperated. “Why not just play the games?” I snort. “Watching someone else play is like… buying nachos and watching another guy eat them.”

  The Chaos Gremlins turn to each other. “He doesn’t get the meta.”

  “I’m So Meta Even This Acronym.”

  “Is meta. SMH.”

  I feel a headache inbound. “Listening to you two idiots is killing me. I need a translator. Everything is an acronym, DPS, GG, FOMO, IRL… LMNOP.”

  “Boomer just alphabetted!”

  “Gru can’t keep up.”

  “I’m not chasing you.” I clench my teeth. “Talk straight, you infants.”

  “Chill, Boomer.”

  I stick a finger in his face. “Call me Boomer one more time and I’ll kick your ass.”

  “With what, those bombed-out kicks?” He jerks his chin at my Air Jordans.

  “My shoes have more history than your entire generation.”

  For once, they shut up. For about three seconds, then speak in unison. “Testes.”

  

  Big Kahuna Quest Begins in 59 seconds

  No time left. “So what is this Quest? Where are we going, anyway?”

  “Forward.”

  “Space is an illusion.”

  “So helpful.” I face off with them. “Look, if we’re going to work together, we should try to have each other’s backs. Maybe we should go through our skills together and come up with a pla—”

  “Got it! Stitched!” The Chaos Gremlins look at their HUDs and laugh. “Goat!”

  “What the hell is that?”

  They pop open their displays and I see myself in a RiftTok video titled #QOTDDDumb. I’m wearing cat ears, and all my questions are clipped together in quick cuts with my voice modulated to sound like an ancient gold prospector. “Strat? What is DPS? Strat? What does ‘mob’ mean? Strat? Explain RiftTok to me. Strat? Why not just play the games? Why not just play the games? Why not just play the games? Strat?” Text flashes above my head: #NPC AF.

  I want to punch them, but it’s hard to hit a kid when they’re holding up a mirror. “You little shi—”

  “Let’s go, pack mules!” Arrogorn strides onto the deck, decked out in a magic cloak and a golden crown. He grabs one of the twins and dumps his new CoinRiver gear in his inventory. “Big Kahuna. We gotta win this one. No Participation Trophy. You two!” He points at the Chaos Gremlins. “Keep the mobs off our backs and pull us out if we get in a tight spot.”

  “You’re the Sigma, Arrogorn!” Thing 1 grins.

  “We live to serve!” Thing 2 chimes in.

  “Bet.”

  “Bet.”

  Arrogorn turns to me. “New guy. Let’s check you out.” He hits my chest and checks my skill sheets. “What the hell is A-Team? Looks like some good combo buffs, though. OK, you’re up front with us. And you…” He turns to Pepper. “You make us famous.”

  Pepper salutes him. “Can do, captain!”

  “Slick. Let’s send it.” He plunges onward, all white teeth, mirrored armor and paid swagger.

  Great. The Respawn Rangers have a plan.

  

  Big Kahuna Quest Begins in 3… 2…1…

  If the Chaos Gremlins don’t screw it up for the LOLs.