RIFTVID: “MODZILLA MONTAGE”

  #BuildABeast #RiftCraft #BigLizardEnergy Hype: +?21500↑

  Our Hype score keeps climbing. This is the most money I’ve ever made in the game, and I have to admit, twenty thousand dollars is exciting. Pepper is loving the attention. “300 comments! They like it!” She starts typing replies; I can’t see her responses, but I get the sense she’s using a lot of heart emojis.

  Hang Ten logs off, so does Rincewind. Our only mandatory IRL Night Shift member is MatchstickMick, the pyromancer, who has a Cockney accent and is obsessed with weaponry.

  “Mate, I can bodge flamethrowers or rockets onto the ship’s arms—maybe lash some blinkin’ lasers outta its peepers—but we’re skint, innit? Can’t rustle up the bees and honey.” He jerks a thumb at Pepper’s chalkboard. “And I don’t fancy wastin’ me whole day on that numbers lark just to scrape a bit of dosh.”

  “What?” Pepper blinks.

  Next to Gen Alpha slang, Cockney is a breeze. “He can add more weapons, but we’re broke and he doesn’t want to play math games.” I glance at the RiftStorm spiraling up from the obliterated planet, closer than before.

  

  11 days, 10 hours until the RiftStorm destroys the galaxy.

  Mister Stampy is awesome, but I blew nearly half the season building it. “We need to find a quest.”

  “Too right!” Matchstick rubs his hands. “Time for a proper rumble!”

  I’ve already picked out our destination. My Copperpot-extended map has picked up sixteen planets as we’ve spun around the ice belt. The closest object, however, is a small destination marked with a star that reads Darkforge Hex.

  I don’t know what it is, but we’re going to find out.

  “That way.” I point into the stars.

  “Can I drive?” Hank stands at the controller, looking giddy. “Can I?”

  Matchstick grins. “Have at it, mate.”

  Hank fires up the engines. Twenty ramscoop drives flare electric blue. Sizzling thrusters ripple the void with a low roar as our football-stadium-sized kaiju accelerates through the ice belt, sunlight glinting off its red Ray-Bans.

  

  Mister Stampy

  Hull: 100% | O? Pressure: 100% | Speed: 250,000km/h↑

  “Yeah!” Hank hollers as we speed through the planetary ring. “Yeaaah!”

  Something hits us.

  One of the ice belt asteroids rockets past the control bridge and into Stampy’s side. I don’t see it hit, but I feel the wobble through the polyester.

  

  Contact Alert

  Mister Stampy Damage 1.2%

  “Oh no!” Pepper cries. “I hope we didn’t get a hole!”

  “Hell’s bells.” I throw a bunch of patch kits in my inventory. “We’re going to have to go fix it. Hank, Pep, come with me. Matchstick, stay here and steer the ship.”

  He looks at me like I’m an idiot. "Steer? We’re going to hit what, then? The dark?” He gestures at the vast nothingness of space. I have to admit, he’s got a point. “Only thing out ’ere is bugger all, innit? Come on then, off we pop.”

  I grab all three of them, fire the Yeetlejuice, and suddenly we’re swinging through space over the kaiju. Three arcs are all it takes to find the problem.

  Did you ever see Galaxy Quest? Tim Allen fights a big rock monster that he finds on some alien planet. The thing doesn’t have eyes or hands; it’s just a bunch of animated boulders that make a body. At the end of the movie, they teleport it into space.

  Apparently, it wound up here.

  

  Galaxy Golem lvl13 Construct

  A jagged brute made of asteroid rock and space-dust, this stone golem lumbers through the void swinging its fists like orbiting moons. Basically a space boulder with anger issues.

  The thirty-foot stone giant lumbers across our plastic kaiju’s hide toward one of the smaller bits of armor plating, grabs it, and rips it off.

  

  Mister Stampy Damage 1.5%

  “Hey!” Hank yells. “Stop hurting Mister Stampy!”

  “I just got this bucket of bolts together, I’m not letting a random encounter tear it apart!” I fire Yeetlejuice and retract the line so we land near the golem. From here, I realize exactly how big the damn thing is.

  “I’ve got it!” Pepper casts her psychic spell.

  

  Goldfish Mode: Construct immune to Psi

  She casts Mirror Mirror and gets the same result. “Stop.” I wave her off. “Don’t waste your Psi points.”

  “Yaaaa!” Hank charges at the Golem with his laser axe. He drives the blade deep into the thing’s leg. The rock monster tilts its head curiously, grunts, and backhands Hank in the face.

  

  You Are Under Attack!

  Hank flies off the ship into empty space, helpless.

  “Hell’s bells!” I run 21 steps, activate Parkour Pulse, and trampoline-bounce off the kaiju after him. I snatch his leg, fire the Yeetlejuice, and anchor us to the polyester hide before we spin off into the deep. “Gotcha!”

  It’s not like we’re wearing jet packs; our MagBoots are the only thing holding us to the ship. If we fly into the void, there’s no coming back. I feel a sudden surge of anger and yell at Hank. “Don’t put yourself in danger like that!”

  “But I’m the barbarian!” He argues. “That’s what I’m supposed to do!”

  I was okay with Hank being the tank when I thought he was a teenager, they’re old enough to have some sense of self-preservation, but I can’t use a child as a Meat Shield. “You need to be safe! You’re eight!”

  This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  Hank shouts back. “You can’t tell anyone about that!”

  

  Mister Stampy Damage 1.7%

  Below, the Galaxy Golem finishes ripping off the kaiju armor and straps it to its arm. A second piece fuses to its leg like a piece of plate mail.

  Great. An armored rock.

  Pepper waddles away as fast as she can, but the stone giant catches up to her in one step. It pounds the polyester hide with a fist. Kaiju skin ripples like a sinewave, and Pep is thrown into space as her MagBoots detach. “Sh§t!” I fire my Yeetline, swing through the air, and snatch her.

  “Oh!” Pepper grabs my shoulder. “Look at Mickey!”

  Azure infernos radiate from MatchstickMick’s hands, his neck, his eyes. “Oi! Gibraltar!” The pyromancer blazes fire before the rock monster. “Fancy a tan?”

  

  Dragon’s Breath: A 60’ cone of a blue dragon’s minty-fresh breath… if your idea of ‘fresh’ is third-degree burns.

  Blue fire jets out of Mick’s hands and charbroils the golem. It rears back, startled and burnt, but let’s face it, this thing is a living rock. The stones turn black, but the inferno isn’t hurting it. Ignoring Matchstick, the giant rips off another hunk of scrap metal and armors its chest.

  

  Galaxy Golem lvl21 Construct

  Oops. Did we mention this thing levels up as it gets more armor?

  Hell’s bells. It’s getting stronger. We need to figure this out fast.

  As we land on the rubbery hull, I see Matchstick getting frustrated. "I've 'ad it!” Three bladed jets of flame called Hellfire Shivs streak from his fingers and rip open the polyester hide of our kaiju, spewing oxygen. “Try this on for size, you great muppet!"

  “No, wait!” I yell, too late.

  His pyromaniacal flame hits the oxygen venting from the rips. A geyser of fire spews up between the Golem’s feet. The blue inferno arcs fifty feet into the air, so hot I can feel it through my Thumper spacesuit. The Golem disappears in the volcano, but I can see its silhouette, and it’s still moving.

  

  Mister Stampy Damage 4.7% | O? Pressure: 91↓%

  “Dammit, Matchstick!” I holler into the comms. “You’re doing more damage to us than the mob!”

  The Galaxy Golem, now level 31, strides out of the blue fire like a demon, bearing two hunks of metal as shields. It swings at Matchstick with one, misses, then nails him with the other. The pyromancer hits the hull and bounces like a crash test dummy.

  

  MatchstickMick

  Health: 1% | DEBUFF: Stunned

  As Mick curses into his microphone at home, I realize we’re in danger of losing the battle. I’ve got a barbarian I need to protect, a half-dead wizard, a psychic that’s no use, and my ship is on fire. Plus, I realize far too late, without the Kaboomerang, I’ve got no weapons.

  I grab one of Hank’s plasma rifles. “Stay here!” I run toward the Galaxy Golem and start blasting. My Parkour Pulse kicks in just in time for me to slide under its swing as I blast at its joints, trying to find a weak spot. Burning, it howls and swings at me. I flip over the fist, shooting at the thing’s neck. A flaming boulder smacks me out of the air, and I go flying into one of the kaiju's spines, dazed and injured. The Galaxy Golem roars, victorious.

  “Hi!” Pepper stands in front of the Golem. “Do you want to play a game?”

  It doesn’t. It makes to swing at Pepper, but she casts Imaginagerie. Two neon-blue pigs appear and run in oinking circles around the Golem’s legs. It bashes one, which bursts into blue party streamers. By the time it smashes the other, Pepper has her chalkboard up. “Do you like math?”

  PLEASE SOLVE THE PUZZLE:

  1 + 1 =

  “Pep!” I yell. “Get out of there!”

  The rock monster growls and moves to bash the chalkboard, but Pepper’s Head Fake creates something that sounds like an oinking pig behind the rock monster. While it’s distracted, Pepper talks. “No? Okay! How about Simon Says?” Confused, the Golem turns back to Pep, but another Head Fake distracts it. “You have to do what I say… but only if I say ‘Simon Says’ first! It’s fun!”

  The Golem may be immune to psionics, but Pep’s Draw Aggro spells are working just fine. It looks utterly befuddled. “Okay!” She chirps. “Let’s try it! Simon Says… put your hand on your head!”

  She puts a flipper on her head. The rock monster stares at her, flames shooting into the air around it, then slowly mirrors her and puts a rocky hand on its head. It utters one syllable. “Uh?”

  “Good!” She chirps. “Now stand on one foot!”

  The Golem just stares at her.

  “Good! I didn’t say Simon Says! Now… Simon Says lift one leg!” It follows her command. “Simon Says… beat your chest!” Again, it follows. “Now jump!” She jumps, but the giant stays where it is. “Good! I almost got you! Whee! You’re very good at this!”

  Unbelievably, the Golem smiles. “Uh!”

  Pepper giggles. “Okay! Simon Says… jump!”

  It jumps.

  But it doesn’t come back down.

  It floats in space, a foot above the ship.

  “Uh?” The rock monster tries to grab the kaiju, but with nothing to use as leverage, it can’t make it back. Slowly, it floats further away from the surface, arms and legs flailing. “Uh!”

  “Oops! You’re out!” Pepper smiles. “I hope you had fun! Be sure to teach your friends!”

  As the Galaxy Golem floats off into the inky blackness of space, an alert comes up.

  

  VICTORY!

  Homonculous Payday! +500XP

  No-Kill Solution +1

  Badge Unlocked!: Five-Alive

  You defeated an enemy more than 5 times your current level! +5% effectiveness against all mobs over 5xLvl!

  RiftVid: “UHHH?”

  Filter: AnimeEyes #SimonSays #PepperParty Hype: +?1000

  LEVEL UP!

  Congratulations! You reached a new level of excellence! You are now Parkour Pilgrim: Level 5

  Woah. Level 5 hit way sooner than I expected. I got Level 4 free from the Season 1 Finale, so maybe the XP I had before that counted toward my new level-up. Plus, all of us have been getting periodic XP bumps from the Ghost Grinder, my RiftBorn vending machine. Stacking quarters really does add up over time. Looks like I’m finally doing something right.

  Pepper waddles over to Matchstick and pops a California Roll in his mouth. “Are you okay, Mickey?”

  “Thanks love.” He eyes the Golem as it floats away into the ice ring. “You sorted him out.”

  “You damn near destroyed our ship!” I holler at Matchstick. “Put that fire out and patch this mess up!” Mick obeys quickly, embarrassed at the mess he’s made. As he uses his pyro-magic to kill the fire, I check on Pep. “You okay?”

  She gives me an okay sign. “Okie-dokie artichokey!”

  “Where did you learn Simon Says?”

  “Hang Ten taught me while we were farming gold! Isn’t it fun?”

  “Pretty smart, Pep.”

  “Why thank you, Dave!” She checks her HUD. “Yay! I think I got some new pew-pews for Mister Stampy!”

  Pew-pews? “Wait… what?”

  “I had a nice lady message me in the ModZilla Montage video. She likes how you build things so much that she wants to help us! I told her Mickey needs some pew-pew guns for Mister Stampy, and RiftBorn said it was okay, so she bought us some from the CoinRiver!”

  Two gigantic yellow-and-blue space-cannons appear on either side of the penguin, each the size of a city bus.

  

  Legendary Armament: Thor Mark 4 Lightning Gun

  Damage: Class XXII

  Brought to you by IKEA

  (Some Assembly Required)

  “What the everloving f#ck?” Before I can ask more, I see a second alert pop up.

  

  Commercial Sponsorship (VSC): Home Improvement Vertical

  Hype: +?50,000

  Fifty thousand dollars. For an IKEA sponsorship. “Pepper,” I smile. “You’re a genius.”

  “Yay!”

  “Matchstick!” I yell, and the Cockney wizard turns from patching up the holes he made to see the lightning howitzers for the first time. His eyes light up like gas flames. “Let’s get some guns on this kaiju.”