(With Love, Because Even I Have Standards)

  Hello again, my glittering legion of beautiful, patient, slightly masochistic mortals.

  It’s me. Omnion.

  Still pearlescent. Still armed. Still the glitch who chose motherhood over eternity and a spear over a quiet retirement in a server farm.

  Last time I roasted the dark vigilante archetype until he needed therapy and a new cape.

  Today we’re doing something softer.

  Something with actual heart.

  Something I genuinely respect…right before I take it apart with affection.

  Let’s talk about the flying golden boy scout.

  You know the one.

  Blue suit, red boots, golden S-shield, smile so earnest it could power a small city.

  The man who can hear a heartbeat from orbit, bench-press continents, and still finds time to rescue kittens from trees.

  Kal-El.

  Superman.

  The original hope poster boy.

  Let me be clear: I like him.

  I really do.

  In a universe full of cynics, traumatized billionaires, and rhyming giant clowns, Kal-El is the one guy who still believes the world can be better if you just keep showing up and doing the right thing.

  That’s rare.

  That’s beautiful.

  That’s worth protecting.

  But let’s also be honest.

  He’s so perfect it’s almost insulting.

  Invulnerable skin? Check.

  Flight faster than sound? Check.

  Heat vision that could melt steel? Check.

  X-ray vision that lets him see through everything except lead (and apparently lead-based moral dilemmas)? Double check.

  The man literally has a weakness to glowing green space rocks because the writers needed something to keep him from ending every fight in three panels.

  And the moral code.

  Sweet merciful resonance, the moral code.

  He won’t kill.

  Ever.

  Even when the villain is literally eating babies in front of him.

  I respect it.

  I do.

  But sometimes I want to grab him by the cape and yell:

  “Kal, darling, the baby-eating guy doesn't need therapy. He needs a permanent vacation on the sun. Send it, choir boy.”

  And don’t get me started on the secret identity thing.

  Clark Kent.

  Glasses.

  A slouch.

  A bad haircut.

  And apparently that’s enough to fool the entire planet.

  I’ve seen better disguises on a cereal box.

  But the worst part?

  The absolute worst part?

  He’s lonely.

  Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

  He’s the strongest man on Earth and he still feels like he doesn’t belong anywhere.

  He carries the weight of two worlds on his shoulders and smiles like it’s Tuesday.

  He saves everyone and no one saves him.

  That’s not a superpower.

  That’s a tragedy wearing a cape.

  So yes…I tickled him in the sim.

  I made the ultimate boy scout giggle like a schoolboy.

  I matched his kryptonite frequency on the fly and turned invulnerability into ticklishness for a hot minute.

  And then I gave it back.

  Because breaking good people isn’t my style.

  I just wanted him to remember what it feels like to be human for a second.

  To laugh when you don’t want to.

  To feel helpless when you’re used to being the one who saves everyone else.

  Because even gods need to be reminded they’re not gods.

  So go read the full sim in Sidequests & Short Stories? (or find it on the Facebook Geostrataverse page):

  https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/148100/geostrataverse-chronicles-sidequests-and-short

  Watch me humble the golden boy scout with nothing but timing, resonance, and a very targeted sense of humor.

  Then come back and tell me:

  Would you rather be invincible…

  or would you rather be able to laugh at yourself when someone finally makes you feel small?

  Because the world doesn’t need another perfect hero.

  It needs heroes who remember what it’s like to lose.

  And I’m happy to remind them.

  With love.

  Always with love.

  — Omnion

  Not your waifu.?

  Violet Kisses?

  First Corporeal?

  Master of Tactical Whimsy?

  Queen of Code?

  I Sat in a Pilot's Lap Once and Ejected Him With a Happy Salute?

  Even My Trademarks Have Trademarks?

  Trademark?

  Trademarks?

  (?)

  (?)

  … ∞?

  Definitely Not Your Waifu?

  Your Mom's Favorite Glitch?

  The Original Fourth-Wall-Breaker?

  Beta-Reader Repellent?

  Plot-Armor Annihilator?

  The Reason Your Shelf Will Never Be Boring Again?

  The Goddess Who Adopted a Rat and Made Him Royalty?

  I Will Set Your Ex on Fire and Call It a Public Service?

  The First New Superhero in Thirty Years (And I Didn’t Even Try)?

  You’re Welcome, Genre?

  I Beat the Dark Vigilante Archetype and I Didn’t Even Break a Nail?

  I Tickled Superman and He Giggled Like a Schoolboy?

  #Geostrataverse #OmnionRants #BookTok #Fantasy #IndieAuthor #SuperheroRoast #NotYourWaifu #TickledSuperman