I have many beliefs about myself, most of which are warranted, but plenty aren’t. Of these beliefs, I, unfortunately, must acknowledge that one from the list must be removed: patience.

  About sixty seconds into the emo kids wails, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I mean, I wasn’t heartless or anything, but the level of blubbering was too much. Don’t get me wrong, I was never one of those guys that would stand there and say stupid things like men don’t cry, I have cried on countless occasions. Alone. In front of another? Sure, there were moments in my life, heartache, confusion, and loss can make you do things you aren’t prone to. This guy? He was a natural, it was the first time in my life that I could honestly say that I’d seen a practiced cry.

  The young man blubbered into my shirt, gasping between sobs, clinging onto me from one direction, releasing, then clinging from another like a distressed toddler. I let it happen for a full sixty seconds before my patience shattered.

  “Enough! Get a hold of yourself, man!” I didn’t mean to be so loud, but Jesus Christ.

  The young dude started nodding vigorously, as if I’d just snapped him out of a coma, tried to say something, then collapsed dramatically onto the stairs leading up to his ridiculous throne.

  I looked around, doing my best not to stare at him. My eyes caught the back of the chair, and—sweet mother of God—there were tiny fairy wings carved into it. I nearly lost it. Just barely held the laughter back. Just barely.

  It took an obnoxious amount of time to get him talking like a normal human, and I was beyond over it. I sat myself down on his throne, deciding that if I had to listen to whatever nonsense he had to say, I was at least going to be comfortable.

  And then, finally, his name popped up over his head in my UI.

  I blinked. "Dude, are you an NPC or something?"

  Noctis’s red-rimmed eyes widened in offense, his black eyeliner running down his pale face. "No! I’m a person, just like you!"

  I rubbed my temples. His voice sounded whiny, even if it wasn’t. I couldn’t help it.

  "Then I’m sorry for your parents," I said flatly. "And I guess I can’t blame you for being… you. But who the hell names their kid Noctis Bleakheart?"

  Noctis blinked. "Huh? No, that’s not my real name. It’s my stage name." He tossed his hair dramatically, as if that cleared everything up. "You don’t like it?"

  I sighed, long and slow. "Isn’t it a little… dramatic? How do you even get a name change in here?"

  "Oh, I didn’t change it. The AI used my stage name." He paused, as if waiting for me to be impressed. "I was on tour when I was abducted. Do you know anything about Drowning in December? We were about to make it big. Then, you know, aliens."

  I squinted at him. "I don’t even have a guess at what that is."

  Noctis looked mildly offended. "We toured last year. Though, I don’t know how long I’ve been with these twisted pixies..." He got this thousand-yard stare, like he was reliving a war crime. "It was ’06 when we toured."

  I sucked in a breath through my teeth. “Oof. Yeah. So, uh, bad news, buddy.”

  It took twenty minutes to calm him down after that. Twenty. Minutes. Of full-body sobbing. Absolute, practiced, theatrical weeping.

  Apparently, Noctis had made it past Floor One with two of his bandmates, where they ran into a situation that required ingredients. He never finished the dungeon because the pixies got to them first. They killed his friends—except Noctis, who was "spared." And by spared, I mean crowned their king.

  "Why didn’t they kill you?" I asked, eyeing him skeptically.

  He sniffled. "I… I told someone what to do."

  I frowned. "What?"

  Noctis sighed, as if it was obvious. "The pixies don’t do what I tell them. I told my friends to run. They killed them. Then they made me their king." I began rubbing my temples. "They obey me in only one way: by ignoring everything I say."

  I raised a hand to stop him from diving back into the sobbing spiral. "Right. Well. That sucks. But I can’t help but notice, you haven’t changed. At all. You’re probably wearing the same clothes you came in with."

  That was when I saw it. My brows furrowed.

  "By God, man. You haven’t tied your shoes this whole time?!"

  Noctis looked at me like I just insulted his dead grandmother. "Why would I?"

  This might not be obvious to most people, so I’ll just take a second here and explain. The absolute worst thing you can do when running for your life is lose a shoe. Well, that, or tripping like every single female victim in a slasher flick. Shoes are meant to stay on your feet, and as a former athlete, nothing peeved me more than seeing untied loose fitted skater shoes.

  You might be asking yourself, why should I care? To answer, I might be an ass at times, but I wasn’t going to leave this bunny rabbit of a man here to die. As much as I wanted to walk out and forget the last hour of this shitty place, I knew this guy was going to die if I left him here.

  I inhaled, long and slow. "I’m leaving this place in five minutes, and if you don’t tie those goddamn skater shoes, I will bundle you back up and put you back on that throne." I tilted my head slightly and gestured to his tragically untied shoes. "Get to it."

  Noctis sighed, rolled his eyes, then took a knee to tie his shoes.

  At that exact moment, the goddamn pixies arrived.

  They were all hovering there, towards the high ceiling. I wouldn’t have noticed them if not for the high pitched gasp they all sounded as they entered. One fluttered down, his high voice echoing off the walls of the chamber. “Our king yields to a new. All hail the new king!”

  The chorus from the chamber rang out, “hail!” or “long live the king!” They all flew around together and moved like a swarm. They descended as one, and like a wave, they took me over.

  They were everywhere. I kept telling them to stop or go away, but this only emboldened them. I was getting sick of it, so I said, “Noc is still your king, go to him damn it!”

  They all stopped in unison. One pixie, sounding very much like a member of the Lollipop Guild from the Wizard of Oz, called out, “he already understands us! He is our true king!” They all joyously flew around me, creating a blur in my vision. Some of them started popping out of existence and reappearing. When they popped back up, they had bulky upper torsos, almost all of them wearing some kind of combination of clothes that I would wear.

  I growled with frustration, which seemed to finally get their attention. They grew still, some of them popping out and back into existence as they waited. I took a breath, figuring that if they wanted me to be their king, I’d just tell them to leave. Right?

  “So, uh, my first order as your king is to go live happy lives somewhere else.” I nodded once, turned and sat on the throne, doing my best to strike a pose. I mean, I was here, no sense in not having fun with it.

  One of the creatures spoke, one that still looked like Noc. “We understand, sire.” Then, the goddamn thing just burst into dust. Then another, then another. Then there was this broken look on each of their faces as they burst, absolute disappointment and hurt.

  As I said before, I’m not heartless. For all it was worth, these critters were man-eating death dealing creatures from an alien dungeon designed to test mankind’s worthiness, but they were still creatures. Each time I heard a pop, and another one burst, a little part of my heart broke. I don’t know why, but these creatures somehow found a spot of empathy where Noc clearly didn’t. As the sound of the pops echoed through the room, it finally hit me.

  “Keep the first decree, and loudly go away.” All of them stopped, seeming to stand at attention. Mofo, I knew it!

  Taking a breath, I tried to think this out. Noc was saying things to me, and I nodded as he spoke, but in truth I wasn’t listening to a damn thing he was saying.

  “Let all future decrees from my person hold untrue to my intentions” The pixies all started giggling to each other and I smirked. “Who was the last king to give such an order?”

  “It wasn’t the king, but the queen!” Several other pixies started reiterating the first pixie’s statement. “Yes, the queen!” and “her majesty!” echoed in my ears. I sighed, glad that I could speak plainly.

  “Where is the queen?”

  “Her eyes are everywhere!” One called out. Another said, “she hears all!” After what seemed to be twenty seconds of reverential banter, one finally spoke up that wasn’t speaking just to hear himself. “She’s a few floors up.”

  My head turned to the voice. The creature itself was one that had come back looking like me. He wore jeans with a v-neck, his chest and shoulders popping out a bit, the little dude was kind of jacked. When I turned to look at him, he put a chin down as he flew in front of the throne. He took a knee. I was impressed. Now that I could speak directly rather than in riddles, I said aloud, “this,” I paused as I gestured, “is a good pixie, all present, hear these words, and indelibly engrain them onto your hearts. This is the one to emulate, this one shall be my advisor.” Like a key in a lock, all the riotous creatures flocked down, landing on the steps, and took a knee with their heads bowed.

  “Fuck you, dude.” Noctis said as the room grew quiet.

  I smirked, “Don’t hate, it’s not your fault you never took public speaking.” I didn’t say the things I wanted to say, there was a time and a place, and in a room full of dungeon monsters, well, that wasn’t the place. A few more pixies popped in and out of existence, a few of them even came back wearing my old uniform, before I started working in the office. Those ones made me smirk a little.

  “Uh, why are they wearing uniforms?”

  “I used to work delivery.” I said, feeling a little abashed.

  The little emo bastard started to laugh at me. “That, good sir, was a mistake.” I said, the evil smirk on my face growing into a full grin.

  Five minutes later, Noc was in a new chair but much the same as I had found him. One might think I was being cruel, but if I was being honest, this guy was going to be burden and I had every intention of ditching him at the next safe house. Being polite to someone that was as dangerous as he was, well, it served no purpose.

  And I know what you’re thinking, dangerous? This guy?

  Yes. Dangerous. He brought his friends back here to grind simple mobs for ingredients, got them all killed, and spent two decades not understanding that the pixies listen, they just do the opposite of your intent. It was dumb, and if this guy got his closest friends killed over his own dumb mistakes, well, I wasn’t going to be next on that list. Perhaps I was being a bit mean, perhaps my youth spent as a mortal enemy against his type influenced my actions, perhaps seeing this person put me back in 2006 myself. I don’t know, and really, I had more important things to do than justify my means. Now, the ends, on the other hand…

  “Now, subjects, I would have one of you speak. Your king has need of knowledge.”

  I spent maybe three hours on that chair. At first I had inquired about the local area, what monsters and resources were in the area, where those things spawned, how to harvest and utilize the resources that were there. I then began asking bigger questions, but much of what they told me didn’t help as much as I had hoped. I tried to gleam more information on certain things like trades, crafting, weapons, etcetera. These creatures didn’t use those things, nor did they understand the first things about them. They did have an ability to make an extremely strong silk-like substance that weighed next to nothing. It was strong, but fire basically turned it to wicking. They also made a glue the same way, which I was gifted a few bottles of shortly thereafter. I pocketed them and continued to ask questions.

  After learning the most practical things, I spent time figuring out more details about the dungeon. These creatures, for example, didn’t actually need sustenance. They had a mana bar, which refilled by itself over time and when they ate. If they ate living flesh, they gained a “euphoria” buff.

  They also had this interesting skill, some kind of trap making ability that allowed them to manifest lures. It was how they had fed their old king, who at one point in time had told the pixies to only make him food he would love. That poor, poor fool. I had a delicious steak with mashed potatoes and gravy, asparagus on the side with a water and a whiskey. As much as I wanted the whiskey, I refused, instead pulling out one of my diet cherry cokes. It was the little things in life.

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  After I finished eating and extracting information, I had the pixies let Noc out of his confinement and feed him. A popup came, one that I wasn’t too surprised to see. An achievement flashed with it, but I had been ignoring them to open later. The popup, however, showed in bold red text, “Sedentary Warning!”

  When I clicked it, a message appeared explaining something I assumed would happen eventually. It, more or less, explained that I hadn’t moved in some time, and if I didn’t move a decent distance away within a half hour, I would summon a floor boss level opponent. I balked, but wasn’t going to spend too much time stewing over it.

  I didn’t have time to ponder it long, Noc was pissed with me over being confined again, but since I had no intention of furthering my relationship with the fellow, I really didn’t care. Though, he did eventually push the situation by saying, “I can’t believe you. I’ve been locked up for more than twenty years and you had them lock me up all over again. I- I might be scarred.”

  I snorted in response, “sounds like the title of your next big hit.” Noc wasn’t laughing, though, which made me laugh a little more.

  I turned back to the waiting pixies, gave my thanks, and explained that I would be doing what I could to leave the floor. The response I received was a bit much.

  “Our King departs, we must follow!” All the pixies seemed to come alive, they all grew overly animated and it gave me a bad feeling.

  “It’s okay, I’ll come back and get you before I go to the next floor!” I called out, but a few shook their heads. One finally spoke, explaining that monsters couldn’t go through the floors, at least not like that.

  “Well, then you can all just wait here, I can come back later.” I tried to console them, but it wasn’t working.

  The one I had praised earlier started speaking, which made the others finally shut up.

  “We shall perform… the ritual!”

  I sighed, of course there’s a ritual.

  The pixies began chanting, flying around him in a circle. One of the pixies came up to me, cast some kind of spell, and a small ornate chest appeared. It was entirely over the top, encrusted with gaudy jewels and lined with a golden exterior. When the chest opened, the insides were lined with silk and another material I expected was some kind of ivory.

  The pixie that had manifested the box said, “the King’s blessing must be stored within the Vessel of Eternity!” It raised its little arm, and though this one was female, she still wore a black shirt and had oversized arms. I sighed as I watched, finally saying, “for the love of- it’s just a box, isn’t it?”

  They all stopped circling and stared at the box. In unison, they whispered, “The Box.” It was fucking creepy.

  One by one, they leaped inside the box, but instead of climbing in, they turned to dust. As each one did, a little experience counter came up. Over and over again, each and every one of them swooped in, finally leaving just one behind. It mumbled on, giving some kind of speech about sacrifice like he was from some Shakespearian play. Finally, it said, “Farewell, my liege, may the winds carry us to glory. All we need to be revived is a drop of blood.” He wiped a tear away as he whispered, “the blood of our king.” Then, poof. The dust settled, the box snapped shut, and I said a silent prayer to the AI that it was finally over.

  A shit ton of achievements flared in the corner of my UI, I had been ignoring them since my run-in with the werewolf, and when I checked, I had a massive number of them. At a glance, most of them were mundane. When I pulled up my UI’s page of achievements, they appeared much like emails. I got a small descriptions for each, but if I mentally selected them, they would open to a new pane and I would get my floor tokens. Just as I was scrolling through the list of achievements, a sound chimed behind me. As I looked, the pixie throne had opened in such a way that the wings on the back folded out, leaving a hallow within the chair.

  Noc beat me there and was already handling something much like the looted chest I received from the werewolf. He scowled, then got a little irrational. “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Two decades. Two! And all I get is this stupid costume?! The pixies got more out of this than I did!”

  “Well, I mean… they did commit to the bit more than you.” I said, half smiling.

  Noc began sputtering, “I- You- That’s- FUCK YOU!” He slammed the loot box down onto his old throne, likely as hard as he could. I smirked, thinking I could watch this all day.

  “Mmm-hmm, you get it all out of your system, bud. Let me have a see.” I went over, noting that on top of the loot box it said, “looting rights to Kevin LXII.” I hadn’t seen that before, but suspected I would always see it now that I had met another contender.

  I inspected the loot box, noting Noc as he dropped an item. It was a tiny diced-sized square, upon which was a symbol, much like the wings on the back of the throne. I picked it up before inspecting the loot in my hand.

  The description on the item was read by PAI:

  Pixie Wings of the Forsaken King- This is a costume item. Unique Item. Costume items typically do not enhance any aspect of the wearer, with aesthetic exception. Be advised, unique costume items have an 80% chance of permanently binding to the user. If a costume item is permanently bound to a player, the user is given an additional costume slot. The wearer of this item is given the following benefits if bound: Level 1 Glide skill, Level 1 Remove Curse skill, +5x Spell Power to all healing spells.

  I lost it, I physically had to take a second to lay on the floor before I literally rolled on the floor laughing. I laughed so hard it hurt, my sides aching. I repeatedly tried saying, “I can’t believe the game is coming at you like that,” but stammered and stuttered all over myself as I fought, and failed, to hold back my shuttering laughter.

  “Oh, yeah, well laugh it up. Can we go now, please? I just want to get back to the city.”

  “City?” I asked, curious, but still catching my breath. As I got up, I looted the ornate box from the pixies, placing it into my inventory.

  “It will open up when you get to the second floor. You’ll probably have to fight a boss.”

  I nodded while I inspected the contents of my own loot box, taking the two items into my inventory to inspect them later. It had been a pretty lazy afternoon, and I was beginning to grow worried as to what time it was. I was getting a touch tired, not physically, but I felt like I needed to move. “Do you know how far the next safe room is? I’m sure there had to be one between here and where the floor entrance is.” The pixies had basically drawn a map for me, and I put rough markers throughout my own when they had. The problem was, I had no idea what was currently occupying the areas ahead.

  “Yeah, It’s the one to the north.” The guy said as he flicked his head to get his hair out of his eyes. His voice had a nasal quality to it sometimes that made me snarl inside. I noted the strange intensity of the emotion but let it go. I didn’t need to make any more problems, what I needed to do was get this guy to a safe zone and get to work. If I had to fight a boss, I wanted to be sure before going in.

  We passed the time silently through the burrowed halls. It was rough in some spots, almost how you’d envision a mine. Eventually, we broke through to an open area, a small biome all to itself was illuminated by a river of magma. The ceiling had some kind of reflective crystalline structures that refracted against the deep veined river. From where I stood, I could see the light emanating from the river, and a bright blur of deep reds that rode over it. It took a moment and I had to turn my head several times before I saw it. It was an entire bridge made of whatever crystal was above. It reflected the river’s glow making it, and the connecting structures, shimmer ominously. There was strange vegetation nearby, the plants growing despite the ashy soil. It was almost soil, not quite muddy but moist, making the footing unexpectantly tiring. We eventually found a road paved in stone, relieving much of the additional effort we had been exerting before.

  We weren’t on the road long, heading towards the bridge, when I heard something. It was a deep chewing noise. I hushed Noc, listening intently.

  The sound wasn’t chewing, but emulated it. It sounded like some kind of prerecorded chewing noise from a 16-bit video game. It was growing louder.

  Noc looked to me, eyes growing wider as he looked around frantically. “The safe room is just across the bridge. Nothing can get in there, maybe we should run.”

  “Do you know what this thing is?” I said, looking around.

  “No, but I’m not gonna be here to find out.” Noc said just before he took off dashing down the road. I pursed my lips at his back, following, but doing so with caution.

  For about fifteen seconds, I thought Noc would make it. From the side, I spotted some kind of brownish blur, the chomping noise coincided with the thing’s movements. I watched it for a moment or two when a little window popped up above the creature’s head. “Were-Pac” showed clear with a backdrop of green.

  My body started working before my brain caught up. I was already running when it did, and despite its protests, I couldn’t leave Noctis to die. The little dude was running headlong, holding his arms back, looking like an absolute dweeb. I let the wheels out and threw myself into a full sprint.

  It very quickly reminded me that I was in my upper thirties. I had been on a steady bulk for a while now, enjoying the freedom of food while I had kept up with my exercises. Though I had muscle to spare, carrying my extra bulk was exhausting. I was moving at a rate that most people would consider surprising, considering how much I was hauling, but I was already gasping for air when I caught up to Noctis. Unfortunately for him, I didn’t make it in time.

  I punched out just as the Were-Pac-Man rent a piece of flesh clean off the back of Noc’s calf. My arm snapped out and with it came the ghostly projection. My fist collided with the creature and it let out a noise before it deflated and an experience counter pinged. It sounded like the iconic Pacman noise when he gets met by a ghost, but played through a filter that made it sound like cats hissing. It unnerved something in me, like the noise was playing at something in my DNA. My heart roared for a moment as I looked around. Noc was limping and whining, a small symbol had appeared over his head. It was a red moon with clouds around it. I wasn’t the smartest guy around, but I already knew what it meant.

  In the distance, the same chomping noise started up. I looked back to Noc and walked towards him. “Hey bud, lets get you to the safe space, yeah?”

  He had been hobbling, shrieking every time he looked back at his leg. It was pretty grisly, bits of his flesh were hanging openly, which I noted then moved on. At first, I put an arm around Noc, helping him and pulling him in equal measure. The chomping noise was growing louder, and at a much faster rate than it had last time. As I looked, the next one was already visible, and it was coming on fast.

  “Hey, we gotta go!” I yelled, despite the nearness of Noc.

  “Okay,” he said before he let out a long moan, increasing his pace significantly. It was a little weird.

  I looked back, and the goddamn Pacman thing was already nearly on us. I was tired of playing games, so I scooped Noc up like he was a sack of potatoes. I started moving, gasping, heart pounding in my chest like a jackhammer. I snuck a glance as we approached the bridge, it was going to be a near thing.

  “Don’t look, just run!” Noc shouted as the skinny bastard started slapping my back. Despite myself, it made me just angry enough to let me push a little harder. I dived to the bridge, knowing that it was the entrance to the safe zone.

  Strangely, as I leaped, it leveled Noc out, allowing him to land on his feet. He stumbled when he tried to balance, called out in pain, then fell on his ass. I saw that the bits of open flesh on his leg dangled out for a moment just before the hard crystal and I met face-to-face.

  I rolled as best I could, but nothing makes eating hard floor a pleasant experience. My momentum was still going, I lifted myself up, and ripped Noctis off the ground by his shirt and good leg. I looked back for a moment, inspecting the little creature as I place Noctis back over my shoulder. It was freaky looking, a floating creature covered in fur. Its eyes were dark but glinted red from time to time. Its mouth moved up and down against an invisible barrier, making my guts twist to see the visage. I turned, moving away last second before Noc’s head was exposed to the creature. This was, of course, unintentional, but Noc spared no time in ensuring he told me exactly how he felt about it. I didn’t say anything else, I simply carried him to the crystalline building nearby that had a red cross upon the front. I was just about free of this headache.