Money can’t buy happiness. That’s a saying that is so prevalent that everyone has heard it at least once. And most have the sense to know that it is bullshit the first time.

  It’s true, there’s not exactly a store that just sells happiness. Or if they do, it’s in the form of drugs. But in a capitalist society, money can pay for stuff that makes attaining happiness easier. Housing, food, going out to social activities, entertainment products such as books and video games. And drugs, if that’s your kind of thing.

  The analogy I like to use: Imagine a racetrack. Everyone gets a car, and doing a lap around the track brings you a measure of happiness. The track is littered with obstacles, representing the hurdles of daily life. Gas needs to be paid for, and if you can afford it, you can also pay to have the obstacles removed from in front of you. Those with a lot of money can get around the track many times with ease, while the most broke among us need to push the car after they’ve run out of gas. Though rich people are sometimes more concerned with making sure their car is made out of gold and also is much bigger than the other cars that they sometimes forget to drive it … you know, I think I might have lost track of the analogy somewhere along the way. Just pretend it went somewhere poignant.

  I, for one, would not be required to serve as Derek’s building manager if I had the money to pay my rent. For me, the lack of money translated to a sacrifice in time and energy. For the most part, it hadn’t been too bad so far, though I’d certainly been put in more awkward situations in my first month than I expected when I accepted the position. But there had been one duty I knew was coming that I had been dreading.

  A text from Derek told me it was time.

  Hey Kit. It’s the beginning of the month. Most of the tenants have already sent their rent, but there’s a few I need you to go check with and collect their checks. Or cash. Or whatever they got, you know. Use your best judgement. Thanks, man!

  A list of names and apartment numbers followed. It was mostly people I already knew. It didn’t surprise me that those eccentric personalities would forget to pay their rent, but I wasn’t exactly thrilled to have to be dealing with them again. There were also a couple of new names. Maybe I would actually make a good first impression today.

  Unlikely.

  No point putting it off. I did a quick sniff test to make sure I wasn’t in violation of rule four (minimum personal hygiene), then set out.

  My first stop was my next-door neighbor in 2C. I had barely raised my hand to knock on the door when it suddenly swung open, revealing a stone-faced Allison.

  I flinched and put my arm in front of my eyes as the memory of my experience with pepper spray flashed through my mind. “A-Allison! How are you?”

  Without responding, she reached for me and started patting me down, starting with my chest and moving to my sides.

  “Raise your arms,” she demanded.

  “Uh … what are you doing?” I asked.

  “I saw you on my camera, heading towards my door like a man on a mission. Like someone who had just received orders from his government handlers to wear a wire and get me talking.”

  “Talking?” I was very confused, and her running her hands up my body was not making it easier for me to think. “Wait, it this about Maddy’s imaginary friend? Gorbby?”

  She looked around, as if expecting to see a man in a suit and sunglasses crouched just behind the railing. “Gorbby? What are you talking about? I’ve never heard of such a thing,” she said in a dramatically unconvincing voice. “Now, why don’t you raise your arms? I think you have a stain.”

  Rule two was ‘just let it happen.’ I figured this would get done quicker if I humored her, so I raised my arms and allowed her to finish her pat down. She checked under my arms, my back, my legs. I yelped in surprise as her hands ventured into dangerous territory, then backed away, figuring I had indulged her enough.

  “Hm, I guess you’re clean,” she admitted. “But you can never be too cautious.”

  “I think you can, and you crossed that line fifteen seconds ago,” I retorted. “Look, I’m just here for the rent. It’s the beginning of the month and you haven’t sent it to Derek yet.”

  She looked at me cross-eyed. “Yes, I did. I sent it through the app. Did he check it?”

  I sighed. “Probably not. Give me a second.”

  A quick text message to Derek later to get him to check the app and I was able to confirm that he had indeed received Allison’s rent payment. He also confirmed that she was the only one to pay via the app this month, so the rest of the list should still be accurate.

  “He got it,” I told Allison. “Sorry for the inconvenience.”

  “it’s fine. Just maybe next time, don’t walk so suspiciously when you’re approaching my door.”

  “Walking suspiciously?”

  “I’d show you on my footage, but then you’d be able to figure out where all my cameras are hidden.” She glanced around again. “Maybe in the future, when you’ve proven yourself more trustworthy. Just try to walk more casual. But not so casual that it’s like you’re trying hard to hide something.”

  “Uh…” I had no idea what she was talking about. All I could think about was the implication that she had multiple cameras hidden around here. “I will do my best.”

  “Good.” Then she smiled, and suddenly was all sweet. “Oh, and do stop by again to see Maddy when you can. She really appreciated your help with her math homework the other day. I’ll be sure to have some cookies ready for you next time as a show of appreciation.”

  The whiplash was real. “Yeah. I will.”

  She gave me a goodbye and then retreated back into her apartment. I remained there for a moment, looking around, feeling awkward that I might currently be on camera. Multiple cameras. I wondered if this was something I should bring up with Derek. Trying my best to walk casually – but not too casually – I made my way to the stairs.

  Downstairs, I passed 1A, Derek’s apartment, and 1B, which belonged to Francis. Not that I wanted additional work, but I did find it a bit of a shame that Francis wasn’t on my list. That French cowboy was one of the few tenants here who I actually liked talking to. And he was always hospitable when I showed up, sharing with me either some French pastries or his take on western grub.

  Instead, I made myself to 1D, which belonged to Vincent and Tommy. After I knocked, I heard some thuds, steadily getting louder as they approached the door. I knew who was coming and what to expect.

  Tommy slammed open the door. “Who do you think you are, knocking on my door! I told you to never show your ugly face around here again! Do I need to beat the lesson into you?”

  I politely clapped my hands. “That was pretty good, Tommy. I believed that one. You’re really improving your acting skills.”

  The big guy beamed. “Thanks, sensei. I owe it all to your guidance. Ever since I stopped cheating myself with those steroids, I’ve been thinking a lot clearer. Really lets me focus on my method. Anyway, what can I do for you today, sensei?”

  I still wasn’t comfortable with being called ‘sensei’, but I had no idea how to untangle myself from that at this point. “It’s the beginning of the month and Derek hasn’t received your rent.”

  “Huh, that’s weird. Vincent should have sent that by now. Let me figure out what’s going on. Come on in.”

  Vincent was seated in front of a laptop on a table on his side of the living room. He had dark circles under his eyes and his whole posture seemed to be drooping. I had pulled enough all-nighters in my life to recognize the telltale signs.

  He tiredly looked up from the screen. “Oh, sensei. How’s it going? If you’ve come to watch anime together, I’m afraid I’m a little busy today.”

  Tommy stood across the table from Vincent. “Sensei says you didn’t pay the rent.”

  “What? It’s not …” Vincent paused. “Shit, it’s already the beginning of the month? I’m even more behind than I thought. Sorry, sensei. Time has – well, it’s been slipping away lately. I’ll write a check right now.”

  “It’s not that big of a deal,” I replied.

  I knew I shouldn’t get more involved. That I should just take the check and go. But seeing someone so close to breaking from overwork hit a sore spot for me, so I had to ask, “Everything alright? You seem exhausted.”

  “Yeah. Long hours and all that,” Vincent replied. “I joined a new animation studio. A startup. It’s been rough.”

  Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

  “You’re an animator?”

  “Did I never mention that? Yeah, I work in 3D animation and character rigging. Up until recently, I was working at a big studio. Pay was shit, but I was getting good experience. Then I got an invitation to join this startup, and I couldn’t resist. Pay’s even worse, unless you count all the currently worthless stock they’re giving me, but I’m getting to work on projects I’m much more passionate about. It’s pretty exciting.” He let out a loud yawn. “Unfortunately, the team is much smaller, so that means I got to handle a lot more of the work myself. It’s been a struggle to keep up.”

  “He’s been working himself too hard,” Tommy added. “He leaves for the studio first thing in the morning, comes back late, and then works on his laptop all night. I’m not sure when he sleeps.”

  “I sleep sometimes.” Vincent stared off into space as he thought. “I think I took a nap yesterday? I’m pretty sure I did.”

  That could have been me had I not figured out the secret to life was to just not make the effort. But I doubted I could convince Vincent to abandon something he was so passionate about.

  “You should be sure to get proper rest,” I said instead. “Your work will suffer if you can’t think clearly. If you take the time to properly sleep, you might work less hours, but the hours you do work will be more efficient, and the quality of the work will be better.” A lesson I myself had learned the hard way during the first year of college.

  “Listen to sensei,” Tommy said. “Nobody knows how the mind and body work like a master martial artist.”

  Vincent closed his laptop. “I know you’re right, sensei. I’ll try to get some rest, but it’s hard for me when I’m struggling with a problem. My brain will keep going through it over and over again until I come up with a solution. And the animations for this one character just don’t seem right, no matter what I do. It’s set me behind, and I still don’t have a good answer – Wait, sensei! You could help me with it!”

  “I can?”

  “The character’s a martial artist!” Vincent exclaimed, his excitement momentarily washing away his exhaustion. “If I could see some of your bo-shinto skills in person, I could get a better idea of how the body moves during those actions. I could definitely make the animations smooth and believable after that!”

  And this is why I should have listened to my instincts and not gotten involved. Not even five minutes in, and I was at risk of exposing myself as a fraud.

  “I really can’t …” I protested weakly. “I’ve got more rent to collect today, and, uh, then a bunch more responsibilities this week.” Those princesses weren’t going to save themselves.

  “It wouldn’t have to be right away,” Vincent replied. “I’ve got plenty of other work I could switch to in the meantime. Just knowing that I have a solution for this character coming in the future would help me sleep easy.”

  There was no way I could put on a martial arts demonstration without looking like a fool and a liar. But I’d also feel guilty if I rejected Vincent and let him continue stressing and working himself to death.

  “Yeah, I guess I can help, the moment I have free time.” Lie for now, find a way to weasel out of it later.

  “Thank you, sensei. I won’t forget it.” Vincent seemed so grateful, I felt I had made the right decision. “Here’s the check for the rent. Now, I think I’m going to pass out in my bed for a bit. See you around, sensei.”

  Tommy thanked me as well as he walked me to the door. He’d been very concerned about Vincent’s health and didn’t know how to help him. Hopefully the two of them wouldn’t be too upset with me when I gave them whatever excuse I would have to make to go back on that promise.

  I walked past the pool to get to the other side of the L-shaped apartment building. The next renter on my list was someone I had yet to meet, the tenant in apartment 4C. Apparently their name was Cody.

  There was no response when I knocked. Maybe no one was home. That would be unfortunate. I’d much rather just get this over with, like pulling off a Band-Aid, rather than have to try and stalk this guy until I was able to extract his rent. I knocked again, louder this time.

  Just as I was about to give up, the door opened. The man who answered was tall and gangly, with long strands of greasy blond hair plastered to the front of his face. He looked like he had just gotten out of bed with his sweat-stained white t-shirt and sweatpants. For a moment, I thought I had found a like-minded individual.

  “What do you want?” Cody growled. “You’re interrupting important work.”

  Not someone I could relate to, then. “Hey, I’m Kit, the building manager. Sorry to bother you, but the rent’s due and Derek hasn’t received it yet.”

  Cody was blank faced. “And?”

  “And – uh – you need to pay it,” I replied, not really sure what the proper response to his indifference was. “Are you able to write a check right now?”

  “Only an idiot would keep their money in a bank these days.” His voice made it clear that he thought I was one of those idiots.

  I scratched my head. “Yeah, you’re probably right about that. Fees and all that. But you still have to pay your rent. How do you usually give to Derek?”

  “Cash. I’ve tried to give him crypto -that’s the only really secure way to send funds without the government poking into your business – but Derek doesn’t really seem to understand what crypto is. His loss – he’d have made a killing on the Frogbio Coins I tried to send him. Hey, if you’re up for it, I could send you the payment in Goober Coins. Hold on to it a few days, cash out, then take whatever is extra after Derek gets his.”

  Like Derek, I also didn’t really understand the deal with crypto. I knew a couple of my old classmates had made fortunes on the digital currency, which had prompted me to figure out just enough to make a few investments on one of the online exchanges. Which promptly went to zero. I then decided it was probably more akin to gambling than actual investing, so I’d chosen to stay clear of any further involvement with that market. But again, I’m no expert.

  I did know that I didn’t want to be on the hook if his coin lost all its value in the time it took me to sell it, and these coins could lose their value fast. Derek had told me to use my best judgement when it came to what forms the rent could take, and my judgement said crypto was a bad idea.

  “Sorry, I don’t really have the ability to take crypto either,” I replied. “But cash is fine. Do you have it on you?”

  “Probably.”

  “Well … can I have it?”

  Cody let out a long, dramatic sigh. “Fine. Come in for sec while I get it.”

  As I stepped inside, I heard several voices all talking at once, as if they were competing with each other for attention. When I got to the living room, I learned that these voices were coming from numerous TV’s. A dozen of them in various sizes, some of them mounted on the walls, some of them on stands, and some of them just on the floor. And they were all tuned to different news programs. I honed in on the closest.

  Mayor Adams revealed a bold new plan today to pull the city’s struggling budget from the edge of bankruptcy. During a press conference, Adams explained his idea to take the remaining funds from the treasury to a casino and put it all on black at the roulette table. “I’ll wait for the wheel to land on red three times in a row, then place the bet. We’re basically guaranteed to double up.” His opponent in the upcoming election, Councilman Earheart, has criticized the plan, arguing the funds should instead be bet at the blackjack table. “I have a system,” Earheart insisted…

  It had been a while since I had turned off the notifications for my morning news app. There didn’t seem to be much point in continuing to follow so closely with things I didn’t have any control over. Plus, I hated those notifications waking me up. Based on my brief survey of the stories currently being covered, it did not seem like the state of the world had gotten any better in the interim. I wouldn’t exactly say that was relieving, but there was something to be said about consistency.

  “You, uh, are really a fan of the news,” I said, feeling both awkward and a little disturbed by the display.

  “It’s research,” Cody said. “I’m a podcaster. I have to keep up to date with all the latest current events so I can give my opinions on them. That way, my followers know what to think.”

  “You mean, so you can help inform their opinions?” I asked, thinking he had just phrased it weird.

  “No. So I can correct them. That’s the power wielded by a podcast. It’s not a debate – it’s an education.”

  I decided I did not like this guy. While the other tenants in the building might be a bit weird, and some of them I’d prefer to avoid, I thought they were mostly decent people. But this guy’s ego really rubbed me the wrong way.

  Not wanting to engage any further, I just stood in silence while Cody counted out some cash. When he finished, he shoved the stacks into my hands, aggressively.

  “There!” he exclaimed. “You happy now? You extracted your blood money from a small business owner.”

  “Sorry, I was just doing my job,” I replied, already starting to back towards the door.

  “Oh, yeah, just following orders. You know who else ‘just followed orders?’ The nazis!”

  This stunned me enough that I stopped moving. “Are … are you comparing collecting the rent to being a nazi?”

  He held his hands up. “Woah, you’re the one bringing nazis into this.”

  “But you just –“

  “Why don’t you just get out of here,” he interrupted. “I don’t want to be associated with that kind of shit.”

  I was confused and frustrated, but ultimately was eager to do as he said and left. Wonder how that guy ever passed Derek’s vibe check. I naively hoped I would not have to interact with him much in the near future – not realizing that my brief interaction with him was already going to lead to trouble in a few days’ time. But that’s me getting a little ahead of myself.

  Up the stairs I went to continue my list. I passed 3D, which belonged to Julliard. I was grateful he wasn’t on the list. I’d not heard from him since that mysteriously threatening note he had slipped under my door, but I had not been murdered yet. And I was hoping to keep it that way.

  I knocked on 3C. The door opened, and a furry missile launched towards me. My vision became full of white fuzz and pain. I tried to pull the obstruction from me, but sharp claws dug into the side of my face, and the more I attempted to pull it off, the more they scratched me. The best I could manage without completely tearing apart my face was moving it away from my eyes.

  “Aww, he likes you.” Ms. Dorris stood in the doorway. She had one cat cradled in her arms, and two more clinging to her robe. “It’s so unusual for Pretty to take to someone so quickly. You must have very gentle energy.”

  Lucky me. “That’s very nice. Do you mind getting him off me?”

  “Oh, okay. Come on, Pretty. The nice man isn’t in the mood to play today.”

  Ms. Dorris must literally be able to talk to cats, cause that’s all she needed to say to get the furry devil to leap off me.

  I rubbed at the stinging scratches on my face. “Ms. Dorris, the reason I’m here is that it’s the beginning of the month and you haven’t paid your rent yet.”

  “Oh, silly me. I wrote the check, but I must have forgotten to send it. Peanut was coughing up a lot of hairballs, so I had to take her to the vet to get checked out. She’s fine, by the way. Between that and Lolisa’s mewing as she goes into her heat, well, I got a little scattered.” She reached into a pocket on her robe and pulled out a check. “Oh, yes, here it is. I had it on me to give to Derek, but I just never went over there. Would you mind delivering it for me?”

  I took the check, which naturally had pictures of cats on it. “Of course.”

  “Thank you, dear. You’re a big help. Now, say goodbye to the nice man, Pretty.”

  The white-furred demon just looked at me and licked his lips.

  “Uh, goodbye, Pretty,” I nervously said, wary of another scratch-attack.

  Fortunately, I was able to slip away without sustaining any more damage. The scratches continued to sting, but when I rubbed them there wasn’t any blood, so they couldn’t be too deep. I’d have to take a look in the mirror when I got back to my apartment. Maybe apply some disinfectant to be safe. But first, I had one more tenant to collect rent from.

  This last tenant lived in 3A, and Derek had him listed as Terrance. Another person I hadn’t met yet. I knocked on the door, not sure what kind of eccentric I’d find Derek had rented this place out to.

  The person who answered the door was not a Terrance. In fact, it was someone whose name I knew well, though I hadn’t seen her in some time. Not since the embarrassing incident that caused me to hasten my departure from my hometown.

  “Kit?” she asked, her eyes widening in recognition.

  Victoria. A classmate of mine from high school. Editor in chief of the yearbook and the school newspaper.

  And my first (and thus far only) girlfriend.