20 Grief

  It had been a few days since Joseph saw the Pedlar. He got what he wanted, a talk with the hood and an answer to his questions. She wasn’t an angel or a witch. She was an ordinary human being who loved helping people. But why didn’t Joseph return to England? Wasn’t it enough? He thought about it. Maybe he was merely trying to enjoy his stay in Persia. But for how long was he going to stay? The answers he got from the Pedlar weren’t enough. He still didn’t feel at ease.

  Firstly, why did the princess help the Pedlar hide her identity? What was their relationship? They must have been so close that the princess risked her life for the Pedlar’s sake. Why did the Pedlar work as the princess’s maid? All these questions were drumming in Joseph’s mind.

  Behzad was sitting in his yard, playing an instrument Joseph had not seen before. The singing of the canaries harmonized with the music Behzad played, creating a peaceful environment while the fish swam in the pool and the cold breeze blew.

  Joseph stayed close and listened to the drawing sound of the instrument but didn’t interrupt Behzad. He realized he could never hear that music if he returned to England, and a sense of longing formed within him for something he had not yet lost. It was odd. Behzad stopped playing, and Joseph’s clapping surprised him. He smiled shyly.

  “You are amazing,” Joseph said. “I’ve never heard that instrument before, but you sure know how to make it sound lovely.”

  “Thank you,” Behzad said. “That’s rare from you.”

  “You don’t know me.”

  “That’s true. But you don’t look like the type of man who enjoys music.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Am I wrong?”

  “No. I mean I used to hate it. My father made me hate it. But ever since Margaret, my wife, passed, I’ve come to enjoy it.”

  “I’m glad that you enjoy it now.”

  Joseph sat next to him on the wooden bed. “How did you learn to play it?” he asked.

  Behzad looked at his instrument. “From my father. He was a man of great culture. He knew music, painting, singing, calligraphy, and other things. My mother used to call him her Artist because he knew pretty much every art.”

  “It’s lovely to know some men turn out to be great fathers.” Joseph remembered his father, who beat him for the simplest things, like using the chamberpot sooner than him or lifting a fork with the wrong hand. “Where is he now?” Joseph asked, shaking the thoughts away.

  “He passed away years ago.”

  “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  Behzad smiled.“It’s every human’s end.”

  Joseph frowned. “How can you be calm about his death?” Behzad looked at Joseph with a confused expression, wondering why he would ask that.

  “There is a weight on my chest,” Joseph shared while clutching his heart. “A heavy one. It doesn’t go away. They say that time heals everything. But it only gets heavier. I feel the absence of my family every day. How do you do it? How can you be so graceful about a loved one’s death? I’m sorry to ask this. I know I sound like an idiot, but God knows I’ve tried everything. Alcohol, sleeping, sex, reading, working. Nothing helps me. I have to ask someone this or I shall see my demise soon.”

  Behzad thought for a few seconds. “I feel the pain too,” he said gently. “But I’m glad to feel it.”

  Joseph’s sad expression turned confused. “Why?”

  “Because if the pain fades, my love’s intensity also fades.”

  Joseph shook his head. “No. I refuse to believe I have to be this miserable only to be able to love them.”

  Behzad put a hand on Joseph’s arm. “Do you know what ‘I miss you’ is in Persian?” he asked, and Joseph shook his head. “It is ‘Delam barayat tang shode’. It literally means my heart has tightened for you. Your absence has shrunk my heart because my heart would only be complete with you.”

  Behzad smiled even though there was pain flowing in his eyes. “My heart is tightened in their absence, of course, I lost the future with them. But I didn’t lose the past. I didn’t lose what we lived together. They were here, and they touched my heart.”

  “That’s what makes it harder,” Joseph says. “We can’t forget the memories.”

  “If you forgot their memories, how would you know you loved them?”

  It made Joseph sink into his thoughts. That was challenging. Behzad put his instrument to a side so he could have Joseph’s attention better.

  “Imagine a century later,” he said, and Joseph looked at him again, “Nothing will be left of us but a name. No one will know we existed and loved. And it won’t matter. The beauty of our existence is that only the people around us will remember us. If you live as a hateful man, not even the people around you will cherish your memory after your death.”

  Joseph thought about his father. Behzad was right. Joseph would never cherish his memory or feel love toward him.

  “Since our time is short here, we must make the best of it. If our loved ones drink a glass in our memory after our death, it means we’ve loved the right way. And that’s enough.”

  Joseph felt tears building up in his eyes. He didn’t feel shy to be vulnerable around Behzad. Behzad was sweet, caring, kind, and wise. His heart was pure. He had lived sorrow, pain, and love and was mature enough to appreciate all of them.

  Behzad patted Joseph on his shoulder. “You experienced being a father and a husband in your short life. You had a beautiful wife and an angel son. You lost them too soon, but you also had them. Would you like it if you never had them and never experienced the love they brought into your life?”

  “No. I would never want that.”

  “Exactly. Because your wife and son made your heart full."

  Joseph nodded, holding back his tears.

  "You lost them early and will cherish their memory until your last breath. Sadly, from their early loss, you learned that time is short. So you will appreciate love better this time. Spread the love they brought into your life. This way they’ll live through you.”

  Behzad’s perspective of loss soothed Joseph’s aching heart. Behzad appreciated things in a way Joseph couldn’t, and it opened Joseph’s eyes to another aspect of reality.

  “Thank you for your words,” Joseph said. He hesitated to say what he had in mind but chose to share it since Behzad wasn’t judging him. “I suppose I am only disappointed by how the universe chose to hurt me this much. I keep asking myself why doesn’t it stop? Why doesn’t the universe spare me this much misery?”

  Behzad took a deep breath. “There is a poem by Khayyam Nishapuri,” he said, and Joseph listened carefully. “Khayyam is upset with how the universe gave him nothing but pain. So the universe speaks to him. ‘You blame me for the things you’ve lived,’ it says, ‘If spinning was in my control, I would liberate myself of this roam.’”

  Stolen novel; please report.

  Joseph’s tears ran down his face. He wanted to be seen by anything or anyone, especially by God, if he existed. He wanted God to stop his pain, and what Behzad said resonated with him so deeply, it made him stop fighting his tears and finally cry.

  Behzad patted his back again. “The universe doesn’t want you to feel this much pain either.”

  Joseph nodded, not saying a word because speaking was hard for him.

  “You’re a good man, Lord Mainwood,” Behzad said. “Everything will be fine. Give life a chance. Let new love heal the wounds of the past.”

  “I want to see Bibi,” Parlings said, appearing out of the blue and interrupting their intimate talk.

  Joseph wiped his tears and cleared his throat. Parlings frowned, noticing the heaviness of the room’s atmosphere. “What are you two doing?” he asked. “Are you all right, Mainwood?”

  Joseph nodded. “I’m fine. Everything is all right.”

  Behzad looked at Parlings. “Do you want to see Bibi Banoo?” he asked. “Are you sure?”

  “Yes,” Parlings said. “I heard she can tell your future with one look at your face.”

  “I wouldn’t know.”

  “You haven’t been to her?”

  “I’ve seen her and know where she lives but never asked her to tell me my future.”

  “How do we see her?”

  “You have to pay to be seen by her.”

  “I don’t mind. I have money.”

  “You don’t understand. Bibi Banoo doesn’t take money.”

  “Then what does she take?”

  “A sacrifice.”

  “What?”

  “It could be anything. Depending on how much you want to know about your future.”

  “We could sacrifice a sheep.”

  “A sheep?” Behzad asked.

  “She wants a sacrifice. A sheep is a sacrifice,” Parlings said. “You don’t expect me to kill a man. Do you?”

  “Of course not,” Behzad said.

  “Join us, Mainwood,” Parlings said, facing him.

  Joseph shook his head briefly. “I don’t believe in that.”

  “Oh, please,” Parlings said. “She is a psychic. Don’t you want to see Bibi and tell everyone about her in England?”

  “You can come and only watch her speak,” Behzad said, facing Joseph. “I’m a little intrigued to know Rufus’s future.”

  Parlings smiled. “It will be tits over tits.”

  “Hope you don’t grow more than a pair,” Behzad teased.

  Joseph laughed at Behzad’s funny comment.

  “Ha-ha!” Parlings said with a frown. “I’m not taking you two.”

  “But we’ll come,” Behzad said. Parlings walked away, and they followed him.

  Bibi’s house was in the middle of an abandoned village. It looked as if an earthquake had affected the area because everything was left broken or dismantled.

  “Are we at the right place?” Parlings asked, watching the fresh meat hanging in her yard.

  “Yes,” Behzad said. “Something’s wrong. It’s never this quiet.”

  Broken things were lying in the middle of her yard. A few people were looking at her house from a distance and whispering lowly. Some broken furniture was in the way. White spots were on her small windows. Behzad assumed they were egg stains.

  “Bibi Banoo?” Behzad called her, standing outside of her house. “Bibi?”

  “Why do you yell?” she asked in Persian, standing behind him while holding a cat.

  Behzad almost jumped. “Bibi!” he said, sighing. “You scared me!”

  “You’re lucky I’m not in a bad mood today. Or you would have to be scared.” She entered, and Behzad followed her.

  “What happened to your house?” Behzad asked. “Why are there eggs everywhere?”

  “Nothing special,” Bibi said. “A man heard a rumor about his wife in an adulterous act.”

  “What does it have to do with you?”

  “I refused to tell him the truth about the man who had bedded her.”

  “I didn’t know you were so considerate to keep secrets.”

  “I’m not. The woman has paid me much more. So, I can’t.”

  “Oh…”

  “It’s good to see fresh faces,” she said. “What do you want?”

  “My friend would like to know his fortune.”

  “And he sacrificed the poor sheep for it,” she said while feeding her other cats. Behzad’s eyes widened, scared of how she knew about the sheep. “What a waste of sacrifice,” Bibi added.

  “He’ll give you the meat,” Behzad said.

  “I don’t need the meat. Bring me the lamb.”

  “It wasn’t a lamb. It had more than five years.”

  “It was with child.”

  “What? How…? how do you know?”

  “Bring me the child already. And do not eat the mother’s meat. Tell your friends to come inside.”

  “All right.”

  Behzad called Joseph and Parlings to enter. Bibi sat close to her kittens, watching Behzad and his companions. Parlings stood by her.

  “Can’t he sit down?” Bibi asked.

  Behzad cleared his throat. “Rufus, please sit down,” he said.

  Parlings sat on the filthy floor with disgust. A few minutes passed, and Bibi kept feeding her many cats.

  “For how long do I have to sit?” Parlings asked.

  “Did you know the sheep was pregnant?” Bibi asked, and Behzad translated it for Parlings.

  “No,” Parlings said. “Does it matter?”

  Bibi smiled. “Does it matter, he asks.”

  Her smile crept over them all. She lifted one of her kittens and held it, petting its head.

  Lord Parlings was impatient, and Bibi’s actions triggered him. “Will she speak or—?”

  His words were cut off as Bibi grabbed the kitten's tongue and pulled it with full force. The kitten shivered in her hold and took a few seconds to choke on its blood. The tongue stayed in Bibi’s hand, leaving everyone in shock and irritation.

  “Jesus,” Joseph said, turning his head around to avoid seeing the scene.

  Bibi put the tongue in her mouth and licked it once. She squinted as if she was trying to find something in the taste.

  “Is it all necessary?” Joseph asked.

  “When the moon becomes two,” Bibi said, and they all got quiet to hear the fortune, “You will find what you’re looking for. But it comes with a price. The price is both evil and good for you.”

  Behzad kept silence for a few seconds. Then he turned to Parlings and translated what she said. Parlings looked disappointed.

  “The moon becomes two?” he asked. “What kind of fortune telling is that?” He got on his feet. “I think it’s our cue to leave.”

  Joseph knew about Bibi’s gift. The pedlar had told him about her prophecy and everything that came true. He wanted to tell Lord Parlings, but he didn’t want to share the Pedlar’s story, so he stayed quiet.

  “The one who met their faith,” Bibi said, and they all looked at her, wondering what she meant. She was looking at Joseph, which was odd. “I’m glad she listened,” she added while looking at Joseph.

  Behzad translated it for him. Joseph was shocked. She must have been talking about the Pedlar. Goosebumps formed on Joseph’s skin. How could she possibly know about what had happened?

  “Don’t you want to know your fortune?” Bibi asked Joseph, surprising him.

  Joseph hesitated for a few seconds since he didn’t expect her to say such a thing. “I’m afraid I don’t have a sacrifice,” he said.

  “You have.”

  Joseph was confused. He hadn’t sacrificed anything, and it was strange. He sat on the floor with hesitation and looked at Bibi while she petted her kittens.

  “I shan’t want to know my future if it needs killing another kitten,” Joseph said.

  Bibi smiled. “A strong, angry man like you is against killing a kitten. You’ve got a soft heart.”

  Joseph didn’t like to seem vulnerable. “I don’t think it’s worth it,” he said, avoiding eye contact.

  Bibi rolled her eyes. “Your future is worth it, Lord Mainwood.” She said his name without asking it, and it spooked him. “It’s not all bad as you think,” she said, putting her kitten to the side. She looked him in the eye, and Joseph’s heart started pounding out of his chest. She was seeing something that no one else could see. It bothered Joseph to be exposed like that.

  “Be kind to fairies,” Bibi Banoo said, and Joseph only listened, “One may bring you happiness; two shall bless your heart.”

  Joseph didn’t move and waited for more.

  “Be gone now,” Bibi said, and Behzad translated.

  Joseph didn’t want to leave. Now that Bibi Banoo had read his fortune, he wanted to know more. What did she mean by fairies? What kind of prophecy would that be? Behzad helped Joseph get on his feet, and they exited her house and went back to Behzad’s.

  “Did you hear what she said?” Parlings said, drinking from a cup of wine. “I will find the Pedlar when the moon becomes two. That is impossible. She means I will never find that mysterious creature.”

  Behzad shrugged. “Her words mess with your mind. That’s why I never ask her about my future.”

  “Are you sure you translated it correctly? None of the things she said made sense!”

  “I translated everything she said.”

  “And what are fairies?” Parlings said. “Mainwood, are you lurking around with fairies? Is that why we see less of you?”

  “Fairies are not real,” Joseph said. “Trust me.”

  “Oh, they are real,” Behzad said. “Didn’t you hear Bibi?”

  A servant appeared in sight. “Lord Parlings,” he said.

  “Yes?” Parlings said. He saw a letter in the servant’s hand, and his expression changed. “Not now,” he said before the servant reached him. “Take it to my room.”

  The letter had the word 'confidential' stamped on it. Joseph noticed it. He knew Parlings was hiding something.

  “What makes her words real?” Joseph asked, trying to ignore Parlings’ odd behavior.

  “Bibi has powers,” Behzad said.

  “No one has powers,” Joseph said since he had wasted a year to search for a myth but it turned out to be a normal human.

  “Except for the Pedlar,” Parlings said with a smirk. “I am so frustrated by not finding her.”

  Joseph was shocked that Parlings knew about the Pedlar’s gender. “Her?” he asked, trying to sound oblivious to the truth.

  “Did I not tell you?” Parlings said. “The Pedlar is a woman. She disguises herself as a man to hide her identity. A very clever approach if you ask me. Men always underestimate women.”

  “How do you know?” Joseph asked.

  “I’m a hunter, Mainwood,” Parlings said. “I am so close to finding her. I can smell her scent in my nose. She is not going to escape me this time. I’m even more eager now. I wonder if she is a beautiful young lady or an old hag.”

  “Maybe you should start doing something else with your life instead of following a myth,” Behzad said.

  “Myth?” Parlings said. “My whole future is based on her.”

  “What can you mean?” Joseph asked quietly, trying not to sound concerned.

  “Nothing,” Parlings said with a smile. “If you’ll excuse me, I shall retire to my room. I’ll see you in the morning, lads.” He went upstairs, and Joseph watched him almost run to his room.

  There was a big secret behind Parlings’ actions, and Joseph was sure of it.